SINGLE WOMANS FIRST NIGHT IN BED!!!

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MY FIRST NIGHT IN MY NEW BED!!!

Setting: Recently divorced, I have been sleeping on the floor for 4 months because I can’t afford to buy a bed. I have finally been able to get a bed. After all this time ,I have a bed now! I put my sheets on it and my comfy comforter and pulled the comforter back in an inviting way and took pictures of it and put it all over Facebook.

Now all my friends could see that I have accomplished my first big step as an “independent woman”, I bought a bed!

Bed: (softly) Hey.

Me: (looking around quickly) Who said that!

Bed: (still in a sultry deep manly voice, sounding just like Barry White!!!) It’s me, your bed.

Me: Say what! Beds don’t talk!

Bed: That’s besides the point. How long has it been for you?

Me: Excuse me?

Bed: Been separated for several months, no?

Me: Maybe, but I don’t think that is any of your business. I was doing fine, my blow up mattress was comfortable!

Bed: Ha! That thing was still wet behind the ears. Didn’t know anything about making a real woman comfortable at night. I can make all your dreams come true. That’s what I’m here for.

Me: Theres is no need to throw stones, it did just fine.

Bed: Did it now? I’m here because of you, so that tells me something.

Me: (turning a crimson red) uhm…

Bed: No need to be embarrassed baby, but I like you when you’re shy. (Voice turns husky) Close the door behind you…you look very uncomfortable in your work clothes…they need to come off … all off … come to bed baby …

Me: (Looking up quickly) On one condition, (then slowly looks down, wringing hands nervously) door stays open and bra and panties stay on…I don’t want you to think I’m too fast.

Bed: So be it. Come. I’m waiting.

Scene quickly goes to the following day as the sun has arisen and I am sitting up hair tosseled, smoking a cigarette, a small smirk on my face.

Bed: Someone looks well rested.

Me: (Biting my lower lip) You can say that.

Bed: I take it you are ….pleased…

Me: (turning out my cigarette then coyly running my finger across the sheets) you can say that too.

Bed: (Voice get a little lower and a little huskier) Aren’t you going to be late for work?

Out of the corner of my eye I see that my closet is a little open and a corner of my blow up mattress is peeking out…is that a tear I see running down the side of it. I walk over and slowly close the closet door.

Me: (quietly to the blow up mattress I whisper) I’m sorry.

Me: (I jump back into bed and throw the blankets over me) I’m ready for another nap!

Bed: Oh Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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WOMAN YOU THINK TOO MUCH!!

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WOMAN…YOU THINK TOO MUCH!!!

Something happened to me today and I didn’t know how to take it. I was very flattered when she asked if she could do a portal to lead her people to my article. The link was attached to her Facebook. HER PICTURE HAD MY PICTURE OF WHEN I WAS A LITTLE WHALE! And do you know what the name of their page was…come on do you know???? Women who think too much!!! Ha! And there is a picture of me a fat little porky pig right under that phrase!!

Continue reading “WOMAN YOU THINK TOO MUCH!!”

THAT WAS ME…THIS IS ME NOW!!!

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THAT WAS ME…THIS IS ME NOW!!!

I have discovered it doesn’t matter what you look like, a man will cheat on you or will leave you. I wanted to share my pictures of what I looked like in my marriage when I was depressed. This was what my life was destined to be like. Loving a man that could not love me back was what life was all about, it is no wonder that I shoved everything I could in to my face and found solace in food. And the second picture is me now. I am happy now.

IT’S OK HE DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE!!!

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ITS OK THAT HE DON’T LOVE ME!

I spoke to him this morning. There are things that still need to be communicated. I still have items of mine at his home. I still need to communicate with him because I need my stuff. It was cordial and “while” the conversation was going on I wasn’t thinking anything. When I picked up the phone to call him, I wasn’t thinking anything, I just called him. No big deal. I have went through my pain already…right?. I have healed…right?. I am happy…right?. I have my own place…right?. I pay my own bills…right?. I can pick myself up…right?. NO BIG DEAL!…RIGHT!

As I push “end call” I look at the phone and my eyes well up with tears. Why, WHY DAMN IT! He is family, he is what I know, he is my kids dad, I had loved this man for 30 years, he is the first person I loved since I was actually a child of 17. So innocent. Ironically the phone rings and it is him to tell me something unrelated to how I am feeling and I tell him, you know I have something to tell you, I don’t care how you never felt for me, I don’t care, I loved you, but I will never ever go back to you. He says uh uh we will talk later and hangs up. Ha! I think to myself, he probably doesn’t even want me back. I don’t care. This isn’t about wanting him back. This is about the fact that he never made me happy and I need to be awakened to that fact. I was in this same predicament years ago. In the divorce proceedings. In a relationship with a very very good man but I ended that relationship and went back to my husband because I thought I should make it work. The man I rejected was very heartbroken and left the state. I made a horrible decision. I will not make that decision again!

Divorce hurts, separation hurts. Sometime down the line you come to the realization that you deserve someone that wants you back, you deserve someone that feels for you the way you feel for them. I deserve that. My husband is a fool and I don’t know if he even knows how to love. I feel sorry for him and I will pray for him instead of be angry at him cause I have a wonderful life now and ahead of myself. I am wide awake now!

A SINGLE WOMANS BED!

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Single Woman’s Bed!

Now where do I sleep! Want to know a secret! I had a sleep number when I was living with my husband. You know those fancy beds where Lyndsey Wagner asks what number are you and talks about how you can fill up your side with just the right amount of air to keep it as firm as you want for a good nights sleep. Yup I had one. Well the day the man I am married to said those magic words, “I want a divorce”. I took an ice pick and popped it! Poooof!!! Take that and that and that!!! I thought I was the Bionic Woman! So the joke was on me. I have been sleeping on the floor for 4 months, 2 of it on a blow up mattress which I swear I have dreams that I am in an ocean floating in the Pacific Ocean on a lifesaver!

So yesterday Catalina made her first big purchase as a single independent woman. SHE BOUGHT A BED! Yeah that’s right! Give me some skin!! Whoop Whoop!
I have not been able to afford it, but I finally got my taxes and I told myself hold on and soon as those taxes come that is the first thing on my list. I am moving up in this world.

This may be a small thing to your average person. But to Catalina, the person who thought she could not even be able to afford a candy bar alone without the help of her husband…this is huge and I am doing this on my own. I had to sleep on the floor and that was ok. I did it people…I survived the storm and tonight will be my first night on a real bed!!!

I ACCEPT MY LIFE WITHOUT MY HUSBAND!!!

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I ACCEPT MY LIFE WITHOUT MY HUSBAND

My separation was hard, I can’t say divorce, because I can’t divorce, I can’t afford it. So I stay bound to a man that I wish I could pull away from so I could get closure but I can’t. As I sit here in loneliness of my apartment I listen to a song by the Dixie Chicks and the song speaks to me. Who put this song on…was it God…it cannot be a coincidence.

I have built my life around you…My whole life was built around this man. My friends were put on hold. If they put together a day of girlie girl time together, I did not include myself because maybe, just maybe, my husband would plan a day that would include me. This was never the case. What was to happen was me alone at home with the kids while he was out with his friends… or probably much worse. I followed him wherever he went, I dropped everything to follow him to Santa Cruz where I knew nobody, promises of a new life…so I thought. All it was more of him being gone for hours and hours but now I was isolated in a town far away from anyone I knew. If he would have said let’s move to the jungles of Kenya, I would have packed my bags and followed him, because in my head I never wanted to stop trying to have “that” marriage with him. He was the first man I loved at innocent age of 17 and he was the man I wanted to raise my grandchildren with. I would continue to do whatever it took. But he was done.

And so I look around my apartment and I open my eyes to reality. My children ARE grown now. I AM getting older. It is time to stop playing games with him. My life consisted of chasing a man that didn’t want to be caught. That game has died, I am much wiser and realize I have dignity now. Why would I want anyone that doesn’t want me. After a while your heart hardens when someone rejects you so much…luckily it was just towards him, thank you God for this gift. It stings, but I think that is my ego and pride because who wouldn’t hurt realizing that truth. But we grow, don’t we, we move on, don’t we, can I handle these changes? My marriage is over. Can I handle that my marriage is over? I have woken up to the same man year after year…I have been afraid of changing. But it’s time! Its time!

It is all about acceptance of what is. I accept that my marriage is over. I accept that it has been over. I am ready to change me, all of me if that is what it takes. Yes I am afraid but like a bad tooth, pull it, just pull it hard and fast and get it over with cause I just want that decayed part out of me so I can heal now. I am now ready to build my life for me, not for him anymore, not even for my children, this second chance of life I have been given is a gift and I am ready to give it a whirl!

FEELING VOID WITHOUT A MAN!!!

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Friends Fill a Man Void!!

I admit I have been feeling a void lately. Some sort of emptiness in my gut.
Symptoms?
• Maybe a little, not so much sad, I’m past that stage. More like blah!
Know what I mean? Don’t get me wrong, I can still get up in the morning
and bounce around to my happy tunes, and be happy happy joy joy! But a
blahness cloud hovers over me like a helicopter. If you are feeling it you
know what I mean. Cause it is hard to explain and if you don’t understand
you are giving me a headache trying to explain it to you cause there is no
dictionary word for it!!
• Been munching on the Snickers, Big Macs, Oreos.…Little snack here, little
snack there, here a snack, there a snack, everywhere a snack snack!!…get
the picture…
• I wake up in the morning super, super early and a friend actually asked me
if I am worrying over something. I know I have a lot to worry about, but
no I don’t feel anxious about anything, yet I can’t keep my butt in bed
past 3 a.m. and I am going to sleep late. So I am not resting well.
• Biggest of all. I have this feeling like something is lacking. I am
pacing. I feel something is missing. I can’t explain it but I can’t fill
something that is missing if I don’t know what is missing.

I AM FEELING VOID!!!!

Now I have been given a second chance in life. I call my life without my husband my second life and so far…AHHH! When the cloud lifts, ladies let me tell you, oh my God the view from up here is b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l!!!

Now there is always going to be a smart aleck that is going to say, if it is so great why you feeling so void! Always a critic, huh! I DON’T KNOW WHY OR ELSE I WOULDN’T BE ASKING THIS MYSELF!!! I am not Gandi, I am a human being, remember! Jeez!

So let’s get back on track! This void I am feeling, I have to do something about it. For one thing this snack snack here and there, well let me tell you something thing, I already gained 6 pounds and it doesn’t look like it is going to stop itself! So if I don’t want to find myself a little porker again, I better stop IT! And FAST! I should send my before and after so you gals could see what I am talking about…Snack snack here and there can do a lot of damage!

What we do with that void varies from woman to woman, some do like me…snack snack. Some do man man. Let us focus on that.

That feeling of void, I have come a far far way since I have found my independence and there is one thing I will not do again. I will not ever ever depend on no man to fill that void. My happiness will never be dependent on no man. My identity will never be dependent on no man. If I am feeling discontent the last thing I want to do is get in the habit of calling any male that I am seeing because I get dependent on him to fix how I am feeling and that is how I got myself so fixated on a man to fix me and make me feel pretty, make me feel happy, make me feel whole, make me feel like I am important, make me feel needed. All hogwash! I will definitely take myself back to the caveman days if I start doing that again.

So I go to myself to fill that void. It is all about making myself feel happier than I am feeling. It is all about getting busier than I am. Something is happening and I am being too idle. I am forgetting my spirituality. I need to look at what I am forgetting to do. Am I forgetting to be grateful in the morning? Am I forgetting to pray? Am I forgetting to dance and laugh and say affirmations that I deserve all the happiness in the world to be mine.

And what about this idle time. I do not what to call a man and expect him to fill my neediness. Yeah it is nice to spend some extra time with a male companion when I want to have fun, but there is a difference. I am feeling needy and void. This is the last time I want to call a man and ask him to spend time with him, do you know who you call to spend time with you? YOUR FRIENDS!!

THAT’S RIGHT… Your soul sisters! Through thick and thin..and you best believe that if they are ever in need of your time, you are going to do the same for them. Make some girlie girl time. My friends and I are a bit on the “tight budget” side. So I sent out an email and said, let’s do a gathering in the park, picnic style, everyone pack a brown bag and make a sandwich of your liking. The weather is getting nice. I explained my feeling of “void” and I miss them and let’s have some “girlie girl time”. Unless they rather go spend it with their “Hawty Tawty Friends” and some fancy restaurant. Everyone was keen on the idea!

Suddenly that void in the pit of my tummy started to go away. Ah ha! No man needed after all!! In the past I would run to a man to define me, redeem me, approve of me, save me, and worse of all, tell me I was ok…and when they didn’t and they didn’t…guess what…I wasn’t any of the above. So my job now is to not repeat the cycle. This is not any man’s job anymore! I take that away from him! Thank God!!! Whew…cause if I end up with some jerk again and give him that power, jeez I end up pretty screwed up! No my sisters…first we love ourselves…and we give that power to ourselves!!!

Ahhhh!! My belly is feeling pretty damn good right about now!!