I have to write this while the pain is still raw and fresh. I was awoken by a dream, a bad bad dream. Awoken by my own shuddering sobs.

I dreamt of a man who was pursuing me, he was handsome and I was attracted to this married man. He sent text after text and although I flirted a little I never truly pursued him back. Then his wife came into the picture and she was an acquaintance to me and she confronted me. I felt if I told her the truth her loyalty in me and womankind would be restored. I told her, “Yes he had come on to me, but it was him, not me, I would never mess with a married man. I am a woman and I respect you and could never do that to any woman who was married.”

This is when everything took the turn for the worse. She was horrified at me because he came onto me!! Her face turned beet red, like fire. She was a Polynesian woman, short, stout and one glass eye. Close to tears but even closer to beating my face as she said, “Who do I think I am, just because you are pretty and thin and I’m not! You have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes!”

I stopped her, partly scared because she WAS big and because she was wrong, in my dreams I broke down into tears and I disclosed what it used to be like for me, I told her I wasn’t always a size 7 and I didn’t always fix myself up, I used to be a size 16 and I was married to a man who cheated on me with everyone, I found underwear in my couch at my house when I was pregnant, I found condoms in my car, then beaten when I confronted him … I had my ear drum busted, that’s when I woke up not being able to breathe because I was crying so hard. I sat up in bed wide awake sobbing and sobbing not able to stop myself from crying.

There were so memories that I choose to block out, the broken rib, black eyes, fat lips, lipstick stains, phone numbers, disappearing on me and the kids for weeks…I am not going to sit here and say what the fuck is wrong with me, why didn’t I get this sooner and get the Hell out sooner…I am going to say…Thank You God for releasing me from the emotional bond I had with this man. Thank you for this dream that reminds me that I don’t have to live with that ugliness anymore…

I barfed my emotions out and tears on my laptop, I will now venture for my exciting wonderful awesome day because now I choose to love my new life…at 48 God has given me a new life. I have my Sponge Bob Square Pants Jammies with the feet in them and I will make my Starbucks French Roast coffee and send my heart and soul and blessings that this story may reach someone who is struggling and make them see, MAN I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW THE RAIN HAS STOPPED!!!!

1 Comment

  1. reocochran says:

    Your abuse sounded horrible! I feel so bad, I have had to lose weight, I have had controlling men, too. We have a lot in common!


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