The Nightmare Continues 3.4.13

As I fell asleep I hear a sizzling sound, OMG!! I started cooking and I forgot to turn off the pan. I tell myself get up but I cannot wake myself up. I do my morning motivation sound off…One Two Three Get UP!! It isn’t working. Wake Up Catalina! Wake UP! But I can’t!! Oh I know, the smoke alarm will sound off and wake me up when the pan starts smoking. When the pan starts smoking? What if it is engulfed in flames by then, what if it is too late. I COULD DIE!!! With every inch of my strength I tried to open up my eyes….WAKE UP CATALINA!!!

Alas!!! Oh…It was a nightmare….the room is pitch black…there is no smell of smoke…no popping sizzling sound…it was all a nightmare. OMG IT’S DARK! I HIGH TAIL IT AND FLIP ON THE LIGHTS I AM SCARED OF THE DARK!!
My daughter is gone with her boyfriend as always, and I am all alone in the apartment, alone…alone as always. Being raised in a home with lots of brothers and sisters, now going through a divorce leaving a house full of people now I was alone…all alone and I am afraid…afraid of the dark.

Damn it, I thought I had this alone thing down, I even wrote this blog saying how beautiful and peaceful this alone thing is and here I was like a 5 year old. Now I am crying. I am scared. What is happening, I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to shut the light out, I want someone to be here with me, no my cat is not enough, she scratches me if I try to hug her too tight..I have nobody I thought. I am lonely.
STOP IT! I sit and gather my thoughts, I always sit and think, what is my lesson in this, if I am going through something painful, I stop myself, what is my lesson. Through each shred of pain I am given there is a lesson attached.

It isn’t over. I think I have it down pat and I fall and smack my face down on the floor. I am a human being, this hurts, I am normal. I am going to have my ups and my downs. I am not superwoman and it is ok.
I have the urge to lie on the couch and turn on the television. I want to escape my thoughts. Ah ha! That is it! The television to escape my thoughts…this will have to be another blog.

But Catalina will be a big girl, I had some toast and am going to go to bed, no Sponge Bob Square Pants night light either. I can’t let myself turn into no wah wah at night, at 47 I can’t be afraid of the dark…
Dear God, please take care of my children make sure they are safe and Mr. Sandman come and cuddle with me…I’m tired!

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