CHEATING AND YOUR SELF ESTEEM!!! 3.13.13
I think I need to write this piece more for myself than for anything else. When we are left, when we are not wanted, when we are told it just isn’t working out anymore, even when you see it isn’t working anymore and so you go your separate ways…those ol’ wheels in that noggin (or however you spell it) start to turning and you may start to thinking and questioning yourself. Hopefully you are not like me. Let me tell you a little secret about myself. During my downfall of my marriage…ha which was the entire time…I spent A LOT of time in the mirror. Looking. I would yo-yo. I would put on that make-up like I was auditioning for Ringling Brothers. When he cheated I looked even harder in the mirror. See I didn’t see it as a character flaw in him, that maybe he had some issues within himself, I seen it as what is wrong with me. What can I do to keep him from straying. What does she have that I don’t have. Why can’t I be more like her. And let me tell you I had the opportunity…lots of times to see the gargoyles that he cheated on with me. That is when my mind would really go in circles…now what I would think…My mind would think…Wow I must really be horrible. I remember one time my husband looking at me and just start busting up, and he told me, you have a funny shape. He laughed at me! I broke down, he broke me down. I never received compliments, honey you look nice, instead he laughed at something about me, not a joke I told him, not a pair of shoes I was wearing, he laughed at my body. I had liposuction and a tummy tuck and went through the pain of surgery because I felt hideous, I wanted him to think I was svelte. My surgery was botched and now have a huge scar from hip bone to hip bone.
My self-esteem is still tore up from 30 years of being cheated on and being called names about my weight. I am first to admit I was no angel. I am not throwing stones at him and standing on an altar with a halo claiming to be Santa Catalina come bow in front of me and bring me roses. My mind set was, I was screwey, I wanted love, I needed love, I was starving for love. I was not out there looking for booty…I was out there looking for a relationship…yeah funny way of trying…well no one is perfect.
I am a far cry from the little girl who used to pray to be someone else. I have to say I love myself and like myself to a “little” bit older Eva Longoria…if only I had a flatter stomach and a poochier butt. See I did it again. My esteem needs some work! But I have a lot more self-esteem than I used too and that has been thanks to reading Louise Hay books and positive talk to myself. Journaling when I am feeling low. Oh but how the positive talk has helped me. As soon as I think something negative about myself it is so important to cancel it out and turn it around and think what is good about me. I have to accept everything about myself from head to toe. If I have a wart that hung down to my toe and I didn’t have the money to cut it out, well then Dear God let me accept it as part of Catalina, I will just have to find a pretty pink bow to tie on it and make it a conversation piece…Yeah I always take it to the extreme but ya get my drift.
I was in tears when I started this and I feel a lot better. It is all about venting when you are feeling down, let yourself feel that feeling and then talk yourself out of that feeling and think positive thoughts to get you out of that slump. You may not think I look like Eva Longoria…Oh well, I do and as long as I do, it doesn’t matter to me what you think. My daughter always tells me, Mom for someone with low self-esteem you sure are conceited. I tell her, no baby I am not conceited, I am confident. Sister this took 29 years to get to this point. Yeah I had a moment when I started this blog and the moment is over, I reminded myself, I love and approve myself just the way I am. If I have to say it 100 times, so be it!
Hale Barry was cheated on, Jennifer Lopez was cheated on…now come on I could spend a million dollars on surgeries to try to be Barbie beautiful and that doesn’t guarantee me a loving and loyal man. My outside don’t mean a thing, yeah it sure is gonna get me and man, doesn’t mean it is going to keep a man. Catalina needs to work on the inside and make sure she loves herself cause if she ends up with another cheating a-hole she needs to be confident enough and love herself enough to not say, what is wrong with me. She needs to be able to say, what is wrong with you…HIT THE DOOR YOU JERK AND DON’T YOU COME BACK NO MO NO MO NO MO! HIT THE DOOR JACK AND DON’T YOU COME BACK NO MORE!
I heard is say one time…what happened just for the sake of saking…What if you were to believe you were enough…would that be bad…no my dear…It would be by far BY FAR the BEST GIFT YOU COULD EVER EVER GIVE YOURSELF!!! Magic would be possible and all things would fall into place. Let us love ourselves just the way we are right now! Cheating men won’t stand a chance against you HA HA!! What doesn’t kill us make us stronger, stand a little taller….