MEET YOUR NEW STEPMOTHER!!!

Say Hi To Your New Step Mother!

Holy Shit! Say What! Yeah most kids cuss in their heads. Alright maybe I was a rotten kid…whatever.

Has this happened already in your life…that is if you have kids, small kids. Every situation is different. Let’s look at it through different eyes. Either they are going to have to meet your ex’s new other half of yours…we are talking in the future…I don’t know the situation so I am making up my own..ok….anyways.

Chances are even if they are an adult this is going to be traumatic or horrible or depressing or awkward or all of the above. Now every now and then we have a situation where a well behaved…well adjusted best child in the world feels…golly gee …my parent sure does deserve to be happy and is well deserving of meeting someone…I sure hope they hurry up and meet a new love and I hope this is fast. Ha! Now I said every now and then…if you have one of those kids…go away you big show off this article is not for you.

Now let me get back to the parent of the more normal kids who are going to have issues, and pout , and and be pissed, and let’s just say they are going to react more normal than those goody two shoe kids…ok.

Mommy or daddy being with another person is tough. It is important that we don’t shove this new person down their throat. DO NOT AND I REPEAT, DO NOT FORCE THEM TO CALL THIS NEW PERSON MOMMY OR DADDY. LET THEM DO IT ON THEIR OWN IF THEY WANT TO!!!!

Be very prepared and prepare your new person that it is very likely that your child(ren) will be unwelcoming. In fact I would sit down and talk with your child to prepare them for that visit. If you went off and got married I guess you would introduce them sooner, but still have that talk first with your child before introducing them…boy I would love to be a fly on YOUR wall…uhm honey, mommy went to Vegas….remember that movie The Hangover?…well mommy has a new husband. Anyways….

What if you are just playing the field…you know trying on different shoes if you know what I mean…DON’T BRING EVERY TOM, DICK (AND I DO MEAN DICK) AND HARRY (LIKE A GORILLA) INTO YOUR BEDROOM!!!!! NASTY!!! Come on ladies, our kids are our future…we need their respect…they are watching us and absorbing everything they learn from us like little sponge. Let’s not screw them up, which is exactly what we will be doing!!!!

So if you are dating around, which hey girl, more power to you…stay safe…if you are going to be more than just holding hands…more than just kissing lips…more than…you know where I am going please don’t make me say it..Ok I will say it…If you are going to be doing the Humpty Dump…make him wear a condom!!!! Ever get bored…look up “Blue Waffle Disease” there is some nasty stuff out there…unless you have a portable S.T.D. kit with you, tell him wrap it up please!

Why do I always get off track…that is ok, S.T.D.’s are important. If you are dating around, no need to introduce them to your kids. If it is one of 100, keep them on the low low.

If meet Mr. special and become exclusive with a special Mr. special. And man you really like him and man you really want him to come to dinner and meet your kids. Talk to your kids. Do they even want to meet him? If they don’t want to meet him, do you want to make that dinner party where you make your wonderful beef stroganoff and you are all dolled up and Mr. special comes in his best Sunday suit with daffodils and Legos for the kids and your kids are going to throw those Legos straight in his face cause they said they don’t want to meet him! Now I don’t know about you but I respect my children’s feelings. My opinion, I respect my children’s opinion very much too.

Give them some time, maybe have him stop by real quick IN THE FUTURE. Stay a little longer. Give them time to get used to this man that is probably boinging their mom…Yeah some kids think like that and that is why they don’t want to accept a new man in their mommy’s life. Eww what a pig, they think.

Let’s return to getting used to your ex’s new other half. I know what you are thinking. I bet you are doing everything you can to make her a monster to your kids…don’t lie! Course you are and that is normal. I am going to spread MY stuff out there…when my ex had a new woman. She had this huge tumor….I am talking huge on the side of her face. This tumor was so huge it pulled her whole mouth to the left part of her face and it looked like she was talking out of her left cheek…No lie…True story. Oh man did I have a field day with this. I would tell my 9 year old daughter…she is a monster. I would mock this woman to my daughter and tell my daughter that she was part monster. My daughter would tell me, “Mommy I’m afraid when she talks to me, she looks like a monster.” I loved it!! Ha Ha I would call my ex and tell him, you know your new girlfriends face is scaring the kids, you need to do something about it…LMAO!!!! OH I LOVED IT!!!! Alright this is getting out of control I am laughing out of control on my side and this is not cool, we should not be doing this. This is a new me and I do not condone it OK….but it was funny! WAS!

Let’s talk about hating on a girlfriend…yup people get the popcorn out I am spreading my stuff out there again. When my dad started dating after he and my mom split up…oh how I hated on her. I used to call her dogface behind her back. She was a very short lady and we went to the beach one time and I took her into the water and coherced her to go in deep, she didn’t realize that the waves were going to make the water way deeper and then I went in to shore leaving her at the mercy of the huge wave that almost drowned her. Don’t call me the devils spawning, I was a child, I was only 9! I really didn’t want her to die. No she didn’t die, she was able to drag herself out of there…she was fine. But see I was feeling a certain loyalty to my mom by being mean to her. I couldn’t like her, oh no that would hurt mom. I would feel guilty if I wasn’t mean to her, how terrible is that. Kid’s should not have to carry that burden. This is about the parents, not the kids.

If you feel you need to have your children on your side against your ex, then you need to work on you. That is just plain selfish. These are your children, get a friend if you want to talk trash about your ex, don’t do it to your children. It doesn’t matter what he did, it is still their dad and you need to keep your relationship separate from theirs. You want emotionally healthy kids…right?

Ok so we need preparation. What are you going to do when little Jill comes home and says, “Mommy guess what, daddy’s new girlfriend and I went to the beauty shop and we both got our nails done see how pretty my nails are.” Oh boy this is a doozy! Your baby bonded with the enemy. Now what.

A. Do you grab the nail polish remover and remove it screeching that only hussies wear
nail polish!
B. Pick up the phone calling “that woman” screaming you would appreciate that she ask you
permission before she assumes that your daughter is old enough to wear nail polish.
C. Tell her it looks nice and if bothered say you have a bad bout of diahreah and need to
run to the john and quietly weep there.

Maybe it doesn’t bother you and you can say that is nice and go along with what you are going, but if it bothers you, I would advise C. If your child is following you around at your heels and talking nonstop and we did this, and we did that, and she did this, oh and guess what. Ok the kid needs to be quieted down. That is when we need to quiet the little boogar and calmly be honest telling him/her that it hurts mommy to hear what you are saying so let’s not share these stories anymore…instead let’s read books. And distract your child with something else.
It is all about time. Oh buddy do I know about the pain of this and there is nothing you can do except remember that good ol’ phrase…and this too shall pass.