I ACCEPT MY LIFE WITHOUT MY HUSBAND
My separation was hard, I can’t say divorce, because I can’t divorce, I can’t afford it. So I stay bound to a man that I wish I could pull away from so I could get closure but I can’t. As I sit here in loneliness of my apartment I listen to a song by the Dixie Chicks and the song speaks to me. Who put this song on…was it God…it cannot be a coincidence.
I have built my life around you…My whole life was built around this man. My friends were put on hold. If they put together a day of girlie girl time together, I did not include myself because maybe, just maybe, my husband would plan a day that would include me. This was never the case. What was to happen was me alone at home with the kids while he was out with his friends… or probably much worse. I followed him wherever he went, I dropped everything to follow him to Santa Cruz where I knew nobody, promises of a new life…so I thought. All it was more of him being gone for hours and hours but now I was isolated in a town far away from anyone I knew. If he would have said let’s move to the jungles of Kenya, I would have packed my bags and followed him, because in my head I never wanted to stop trying to have “that” marriage with him. He was the first man I loved at innocent age of 17 and he was the man I wanted to raise my grandchildren with. I would continue to do whatever it took. But he was done.
And so I look around my apartment and I open my eyes to reality. My children ARE grown now. I AM getting older. It is time to stop playing games with him. My life consisted of chasing a man that didn’t want to be caught. That game has died, I am much wiser and realize I have dignity now. Why would I want anyone that doesn’t want me. After a while your heart hardens when someone rejects you so much…luckily it was just towards him, thank you God for this gift. It stings, but I think that is my ego and pride because who wouldn’t hurt realizing that truth. But we grow, don’t we, we move on, don’t we, can I handle these changes? My marriage is over. Can I handle that my marriage is over? I have woken up to the same man year after year…I have been afraid of changing. But it’s time! Its time!
It is all about acceptance of what is. I accept that my marriage is over. I accept that it has been over. I am ready to change me, all of me if that is what it takes. Yes I am afraid but like a bad tooth, pull it, just pull it hard and fast and get it over with cause I just want that decayed part out of me so I can heal now. I am now ready to build my life for me, not for him anymore, not even for my children, this second chance of life I have been given is a gift and I am ready to give it a whirl!