ITS OK THAT HE DON’T LOVE ME!
I spoke to him this morning. There are things that still need to be communicated. I still have items of mine at his home. I still need to communicate with him because I need my stuff. It was cordial and “while” the conversation was going on I wasn’t thinking anything. When I picked up the phone to call him, I wasn’t thinking anything, I just called him. No big deal. I have went through my pain already…right?. I have healed…right?. I am happy…right?. I have my own place…right?. I pay my own bills…right?. I can pick myself up…right?. NO BIG DEAL!…RIGHT!
As I push “end call” I look at the phone and my eyes well up with tears. Why, WHY DAMN IT! He is family, he is what I know, he is my kids dad, I had loved this man for 30 years, he is the first person I loved since I was actually a child of 17. So innocent. Ironically the phone rings and it is him to tell me something unrelated to how I am feeling and I tell him, you know I have something to tell you, I don’t care how you never felt for me, I don’t care, I loved you, but I will never ever go back to you. He says uh uh we will talk later and hangs up. Ha! I think to myself, he probably doesn’t even want me back. I don’t care. This isn’t about wanting him back. This is about the fact that he never made me happy and I need to be awakened to that fact. I was in this same predicament years ago. In the divorce proceedings. In a relationship with a very very good man but I ended that relationship and went back to my husband because I thought I should make it work. The man I rejected was very heartbroken and left the state. I made a horrible decision. I will not make that decision again!
Divorce hurts, separation hurts. Sometime down the line you come to the realization that you deserve someone that wants you back, you deserve someone that feels for you the way you feel for them. I deserve that. My husband is a fool and I don’t know if he even knows how to love. I feel sorry for him and I will pray for him instead of be angry at him cause I have a wonderful life now and ahead of myself. I am wide awake now!