JEALOUSY OR UGLY ART????

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Jealousy or Ugly Art? 3.1.13

My daughter brings in this wall size portrait of a mermaid, did I mention it is as big as a wall, and it is the color of mint and pepto bismo and sponge bob square pants but it’s as big as the whole wall and it is for our living room. See, ok real real fast. My husband’s mother had kicked me and my daughter to the curb (had us evicted) and my daughter and I got a place together and now she is bringing in this really big painting to put in our living room. (My daughter forgave him). See I think my husband should have stood up for his family…he didn’t.

The dilemma..my dilemma…my thoughts….the man that allowed us to be “kicked to the curb” is her father…and they get along really good now…and he spent a lot of money for this for her and she is like drinking this attention up I am thinking and so now we have this picture and she is looking at me all excited cause it is going to go on my wall.

Do I hate it because it came from that man? Or is it a really ugly picture. Am I jealous of the bond that they seem to be getting lately? Shouldn’t she be still really mad at him and telling him shove this painting where the sun don’t shine? No instead she is treasuring it like it is the Mona Lisa and wanting to put this monstrosity in my living room for everyone to see!

I go to my son, he is an innocent bystander, he thinks it is ugly. Yes I am vindicated! Or am I. My son is so sweet, he always is thinking of my feelings and making me feel better. I am leaving it to all of you. Is it an ugly painting or not?????

Ahhhh! Shouldn’t I be just happy that she has her father and let bygones be bygones…ahhhh!

Hmmm. As I look at it from a new day, a day past the day that I was the incredible hulk mad. The day before I was walking and allowing myself to vent my frustrations. I am beginning to see it in a new light. Maybe it is a little pretty. hmm maybe.

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THE NIGHTMARE CONTINUES!!

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The Nightmare Continues 3.4.13

As I fell asleep I hear a sizzling sound, OMG!! I started cooking and I forgot to turn off the pan. I tell myself get up but I cannot wake myself up. I do my morning motivation sound off…One Two Three Get UP!! It isn’t working. Wake Up Catalina! Wake UP! But I can’t!! Oh I know, the smoke alarm will sound off and wake me up when the pan starts smoking. When the pan starts smoking? What if it is engulfed in flames by then, what if it is too late. I COULD DIE!!! With every inch of my strength I tried to open up my eyes….WAKE UP CATALINA!!!

Alas!!! Oh…It was a nightmare….the room is pitch black…there is no smell of smoke…no popping sizzling sound…it was all a nightmare. OMG IT’S DARK! I HIGH TAIL IT AND FLIP ON THE LIGHTS I AM SCARED OF THE DARK!!
My daughter is gone with her boyfriend as always, and I am all alone in the apartment, alone…alone as always. Being raised in a home with lots of brothers and sisters, now going through a divorce leaving a house full of people now I was alone…all alone and I am afraid…afraid of the dark.

Damn it, I thought I had this alone thing down, I even wrote this blog saying how beautiful and peaceful this alone thing is and here I was like a 5 year old. Now I am crying. I am scared. What is happening, I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to shut the light out, I want someone to be here with me, no my cat is not enough, she scratches me if I try to hug her too tight..I have nobody I thought. I am lonely.
STOP IT! I sit and gather my thoughts, I always sit and think, what is my lesson in this, if I am going through something painful, I stop myself, what is my lesson. Through each shred of pain I am given there is a lesson attached.

It isn’t over. I think I have it down pat and I fall and smack my face down on the floor. I am a human being, this hurts, I am normal. I am going to have my ups and my downs. I am not superwoman and it is ok.
I have the urge to lie on the couch and turn on the television. I want to escape my thoughts. Ah ha! That is it! The television to escape my thoughts…this will have to be another blog.

But Catalina will be a big girl, I had some toast and am going to go to bed, no Sponge Bob Square Pants night light either. I can’t let myself turn into no wah wah at night, at 47 I can’t be afraid of the dark…
Dear God, please take care of my children make sure they are safe and Mr. Sandman come and cuddle with me…I’m tired!

HOW MY FRIENDS HELP ME THROUGH!!

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How My Friends Helped Pull Me Through 3.1.13

Got to have your friends…Lets us talk about our friends here. Let me talk about your friends. Let me talk about my friends. Your friends, my friends, the friends out there waiting to be found are a girl’s best friend. Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, best friends are a girl’s best friend!! There she goes talking crazy again!

Ahhh! The angels in my life that were there to hear my woes, my wahs, my hollars, my snaps…these were my friends. They were there in my lowest of lows always there to catch me when I fell to dust me off, and help me stand back up ever reminding me how worthy I was, pumping me up.

There was a time when I pushed my friends not only to second priority but way back priority because my man had to be only priority. My schedule couldn’t be bothered with any friend gatherings because it had to be open for my man because he may just pop up with some wonderful idea and want to hang out with me, no such thing happened, I just wanted to be like a piece of gum on his shoe.

Lessoned learned…even if my marriage was a good one, I should have had me time. Time with the girls. Time building friendships with other women.

Today these women that I neglected were the women that have helped me through the rough times and have helped me realize there is so much life, so much to do even if you don’t have a man.

I suggest you form bonds with other women, this may be your existing friends, relatives, while taking classes or through support groups. Whatever way you do it, by golly do it Hell pretend you’re an alcoholic and go to AA meetings, just kidding but there are support groups for women going through breakups I am sure, CODA is for Codependents women…I’m just saying , not saying we are all codependant, hey if I could admit I am. If the gum on the shoe fits…

Like Julia Child’s husband said about her, she was the butter to his bread, my friends (and they know exactly who they are) they were also the butter to my bread. And that is not generic butter, its Land O’ Lakes Grade A real cream butter!

Maybe you are blind to their hand that is reaching out to you, take it, if you don’t want to, take it anyways. There came a point where they could tell ME all my wah wah stories so it was time to have fun and forget about what was dragging me down. One of fondest memories was a summer day we had good food, good conversations, just a bunch of good friends, good music, we took off our shoes in the cool grass and he day was a whirl blur of fun and we danced for hours. I probably lost 10 pound…Well I ate like 15 pounds of food so maybe not.

You heard the statistics right, for every 1 man there are 10 women!!! Can you find happiness if you are one of the chosen to not live on this Earth with a man? They say don’t let a man define your identity, find happiness without a man and so on. I have found so much happiness and so so much fun with my God sisters that are my friends. We cook, we see movies, we have parties we just do things together and in each others company we find joy and isn’t that what life is about? What ever brings you happiness continue to do whether it be a pet, a friend maybe it isn’t a man….

There may come a time when one of your friends will hit something devastating and everyone will come to their rescue. This is friendship. My friends are my God given sisters and I dedicate this blog to them and I thank them from the bottom of my heart for being there for me through every hard ship I had, not just this one, but through the ones I had through my marriage and yet there they were.

You heard the saying “Chicks before Dicks” boy oh boy does that ring true, take care of your girlfriends, cause they will take care of you!

WHEN HE MOVES ON

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When He Has Moved On 2.28.13

Boy honey oh honey is this a toughie let me tell ya, one of the toughest emotional challenges you will come across…I don’t care how tough you say you are.

This is the pain that is different for everyone. It should be the final that shows the relationship is severed forever more. The fight is over. Obviously he has moved on to his new life and it could signal the beginning of your journey your new life or it could take you on an emotional tailspin. I don’t care how much you say you are over him, if you are alive and breathing…you will hurt during this period. Wow how dare move on with another woman…or man…come on let’s stick with the times and be open here…it happens.

As mentioned this is your cue sister. Curtain call, take the hint, it’s over, the fat lady is singing. Your relationship is finito! Done!

Yeah, yeah we hope it is with some short, fat, woman missing teeth, with one leg shorter than the other and a wart on the tip of her nose with a long hair growing out of it but I can guarantee then you are going to be pissed cause he left you for something for that! Doesn’t matter who or what he leaves you for, the pain is pain it will just be different but it will all hurt….except….

Here’s a clincher….is it someone you know. We women need to really give kudos to the women whose men are with women we know, be it our ex friends, relatives whatever but we know them. This is far worse than our pain. If you are one of these women, baby all I can say is do a lot of praying for yourself and them, especially for them cause honey I do believe in Kharma, and there is something out there called hard core Kharma and boy I would not want to be on the receiving end of that! Sit back, live your life she did you a favor, you just may not know it yet.

All this…talking about they moved on with another woman most of us will eventually go through…prepare yourself and try to take it with dignity at least to the outside world.

I had to take time away from the outside world, time for me because I didn’t want the world to see my ugliness, my friends, that was ok, but not my kids and especially I did not want to give him the satisfaction. My personal time marked the end…THE END. I was hurt, I was crushed, I was devastated, my years of devotion was for what, they meant for what? I allowed these feeling to flood me, I was human to feel these as long as feelings didn’t run away from me that led to wanting to hurt myself or anyone else and I didn’t allow these feelings stay with me for days.

At a point I knew this was enough, time for my healing to begin because I cannot wallow and fall in the depths of my self-pity. I allowed myself to start to accept these feelings that it was over and he was with someone else. It happens. People move on. I would move on. What if somebody put somebody in front of me and said, here, I force you to love him and stay with him, and I just couldn’t…that didn’t make me wrong. I had to forgive my ex for moving on whether I felt like it or not. I did my chants repeating over and over every morning and every night I forgive you (stating his name) and wish you well in your life. I woke up one morning and no I didn’t want to go double dating to the movies with my ex and his new woman, but that so so so sadness weight on my heart wasn’t there anymore.

Do I really wish happiness and joy and a prosperous life for him, I seriously doubt it, but my grief was a lighter and that is what I needed to carry on my life so I could continue my journey and find my happiness.

LEARNING TO TRUST AGAIN!!

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LEARNING TO TRUST AGAIN 2.28.13

I just came out of a really bad relationship. Wow really bad. I knew I was not going to go commit into any relationships but I did want to date. The question I was running into in my head was a really big issue…trusting a man. Ya see in my head I felt if given the opportunity any man would cheat if given the opportunity if they knew they would never be found out…they would cheat. Sorry dudes out there, that is my thinking. It all goes back to Psychology 101 the gatherers and the hunters (some know what I am talking about) it is ingrained in their psyche, they can’t help it. So am I to accept every man is going to cheat on me and just be blind to it, wow that is really sad! I mean really it doesn’t matter how beautiful you are, look at Hale Berry, her man cheated on her. What were my chances????

Was I going to think every man I was dating was seeing me as only a flavor of the week? Here’s a concept, don’t give him any of your goods, is he still sticking around? If he is there, well that is a bit closer to knowing he may like you for you.

Because even though we try, once our hearts have been betrayed, it feels like it will never be the same. Trust someone again, yeah right and give them the chance to do the same thing? I will never ever let anyone play a fool out of me again. Stupid once, not twice. Sound familiar. >

Nobody is rushing anyone, this is future talk ok. Do take the time. But remember, never ever give up on love. It is out there. When you fall, you dust yourself off and you go another direction and you try again. Love is beautiful. We do not want to be those “No bra wearing Men Hating Bitter Women Liberist “ do we? Give it some time to heal and get back on your bicycle and go down another path. We cannot give up on it. Listen I am going to go out on a limb and go looking for maybe not marriage but someone that I really like and if it happens to turn into love, then that is my gift. I am not going out expecting it, would I like it, hell yeah I would like someone to fall in love with me, what woman doesn’t want that precious feeling. So I am not going to kick every man in the teeth that asks me out because I don’t trust him. Innocent till proven guilty…No? I’ll give him the rope, if he chooses to hang himself, well then that’s on him. I am a romantic and no I am not going to go out there acting like Inspector Sleuth checking up on him, now if he plain gives me a real good reason to that is telling me something is not right. Well then he is getting the Catalina FBI Investigative Maneuvers on his butt because THEN Catalina is not a fool. But till then, I am trusting 100%. I am not doing no crazy making on myself.

Yeah my heart was shattered, my trusting heart was betrayed and you would think it is like a mirror never to be fixed again, but I am picking up the pieces. As Jeaneade de La Fontaine quoted, “Sadness flies away with time.” Come on time, take this sadness away because this heart wants to be a loving and trusting heart again!!!