TALKING TO MY EX
I heard your voice today
How did I feel
I think the anger is starting to subside
I think the hate is not so hard
You are starting to be a human to me
Not so much a monster like before
I heard your voice today
I liked that you called me with good news
I liked that you seemed to be helping me
There is so much red tape we have to iron out
And it is much too much for me alone to do
I like that you are offering to help me iron it too
I don’t yearn for your love or your affection
And I like that about myself
But I would like us to be able to see eye to eye
I would like that for myself
TIME TO SPREAD MY WINGS AND FLY
What the hell have I been whining about. It has been like two or three weeks that I have been on my pity potty whining like a one year old who lost her pacifier. I’m lonely! I’m afraid of the dark! It’s dark somebody hold me! Come on what am I 37 or three? Maybe I need to stop wearing my Sponge Bob jammies with the feet in them and wearing my see through black lacy teddy and start strutting my stuff through my apartment and act like a big girl! Today is the day that I stomp my feather high heel slipper on the floor and say enough is enough! No more I’m lonely blogs! No more dragging my poor Happy Princess 26 year old daughter and holding her hostage to save “mommy” and watch the Voice with me cause I don’t want to stare at the walls by myself at night anymore! No more running home straight from work and going straight into bed and pulling the blankets under my nose and going to bed by 5:15 cause I don’t want to face the boogey man that is lurking under my bed! Hell if the boogey man wants to get in bed with me and say sweet nothings with me, then by all means jump on in boogey man! If you are a fine specimen of a man, I am waiting for you…But most of all, NO MORE TEARS IN MY PILLOWS!
Today marks a new direction in my life and it is my goal that I will stand behind! I am stamping it in gold! Catalina is growing up! My gym membership starts tomorrow and I will be able to go every night after work and start sweating those darn breakfast macho burritos! I just finished my writing class, and Yeah! I got a B+, I was hoping for an A, but hey I will take a B…budget won’t allow me to continue with my schooling which is sad but I have to set my eyes on my divorce.
In a nutshell, I am realizing I am wallowing! I need to get myself out of the muck and start moving forward again. I am in a very happy place right now but that is because I had a very social weekend with my Vegas friend and my daughter was home with me last night. All that was good, now it is time for me to make my own social time, and make my own alone time and be ok with it. I am so gungo ho about allowing my daughter to spread her wings and letting her fly, what about her mama…time to let mama spread her wings and fly too….
LONELINESS AND EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
Today I wrote a poem I was so proud of I showed it to my daughter. I realize I am suffering from “Empty Nest Syndrome” put on top with my marriage collapsing, and abandonment issues…and oh yeah…I just started some weird azz medication for anxiety because I have been stuffing my emotions again going back to the end of my marriage…putting it mildly I have issues. In a nutshell I wrote a poem about how I was going to cope better with my daughter having a life as she flies the coop with her new boyfriend while I deal with learning to be alone…same old song and dance I have been yodeling and tapping to these last few days.
But it’s good, no? I’m letting go of my daughter and I called her the princess in the poem and letting her be happy and move on in her life just how life is supposed to be. I don’t want to be those overbearing mothers… Yes mother dear…No mother dear…you never call you mother…no no I don’t wan’t to be like those mothers…ok so I send her the poem and she gets sad. I’m sorry mom, she tells me I will try to spend more time with you… NOOOOO!!!!
Oh God!! Subconciously am I pulling a guilt trip on her? I don’t want that! I am so sad when she walks out the door in a flash, I admit that! I do want her to sit on the couch with me and be my couch buddy and watch movies but she is a beautiful young girl and she has a new life with a young man that is wonderful and he is wonderful to her and they have a bright future.
It is so important to me that my children not get caught up in saving mommy. Mommy is going to be fine! Oh wait maybe I should say something like “mom” or maybe even “mother” instead of “mommy”. Whoops, Freudian slip eh? Ok let me say that again, Mother doesn’t need saving! I don’t want to be one of those mothers who use those guilt tactics to make her children come spend time with her.
I already know I am like one of the coolest moms to hang around with and I don’t have to bribe anyone to hang out with me. We have our annual camping trip coming up where we are cut off from society and really rough it out in the wild blue yonder and I have my adult children and their mates all to myself for almost a week and I LOVE IT!
So I need to grow up and let my “Happy Princess” carry on with her life and continue to build my new life!
MY HAPPY PRINCESS
I sit as I watch my daughter of 26 primp up and flash out the door
And she leaves and she leaves and she leaves
How I long for her to stay with me and watch movies
How I long for her to want to stay home and just talk
And do nothing but ask how my day went
How I long for her pace to slow as slow as my pace
Just to keep me company as my day slows just to me and my walls
But she has a life to live that doesn’t include me anymore
And I know it’s a happy good life with a good mate
So instead I will sit and I will watch my happy princess
As she leaves and leaves and leaves
And my heart swells with happiness
Because this is what I wished for
So long ago
THE NIGHTS ARE GETTING BETTER
On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the worst, I am rating tonight a good night for me being able to deal with being by myself. What has changed…Nothing…AT ALL!
I figured I have been at home for two hours by myself with myself. In my own company. I spoke with my daughter, received bad news about her dumb father, my ex, and how he is being so d-u-m-b about handling the divorce that could devastate my pension and wipe me out, and this should make my night horrible.
Hmmm So why am I taking my evening in stride tonight? I don’t know. Ladies of America..single ladies, divorced ladies, dumped ladies, hurting ladies that don’t want to be alone, guess what? There is light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it will be for one night out of 10 and then it will go back to a bad night and then it will be two good nights and then it will be some bad but does this mean it is getting better. Damn I hope so! But I leave you. I think I did well. I stayed up 2 hours today by myself, with myself and was not depressed. So now I prep myself for sleep and hope I don’t have an Edgar Allan Poe night or a I’m a Lost Little Girl night and I will sleep good tonight. See ya’ll in the morning!!
Goal was to become visit people, meet people, go around people. In other words stop being a wah wah all by myself at home and be social. I could do that…me social butterfly…I can do that. I went to my mother and visited. I had a good time. So good I succeeded in that manner.
The articles I have read also say to start a project. Well I have been reading about a project that Ben Afleck is doing called the $1.50 challenge to combat poverty. Can you live on $1.50 a day to show how people in third world countries have to live every day. Hmmm, interesting, I want to do it. Rules…simple, you can only eat $1.50 a day, you can’t reach in your refridgerator for a bottled water you bought last week and throw it in your lunch box cause it is worth what a dollar and will throw off your budget…IT’S TAP WATER FOR YOU BABY!! But if you have a Brita or filter system, you can use that, you can have anyone buy you a burger…no no not allowed, so don’t go begging for a taco from your Tio Paco! This kept my mind busy, and kept my heart humble. I ate bread and white rice for breakfast and coffee…I made..HA! Starbucks? Definitely not in the budget! I had black beans and white rice and tap water for lunch, and for snack I had a Nissin cup of noodles and an orange. Oh how I wanted to go to the vending machine.
Anyways this was my combatting loneliness today, I came home by 6:10 p.m. and crawled into bed. Was I successful…I think so-so. I probably could have done more, what stayed up and journal, listened to the silence of the walls…I don’t know I had a bad scary sad early morning which I wrote a poem about. But today is Day 2…I will combat poverty again today, and my loneliness. There are starving people and sad people, lonely people…today I will help them all…today I will solve the world’s problems in a single bound.
I think I hear the Beetles song in the background….”look at all those lonely people..”
No One There To Care
I hug my blankie for comfort
It helps me feel safe and secure
As I lay in bed I see my silhouette
The side of my head up against the wall
It reminds me of a small child
Early in the morning yet still dark in the night
I feel that someone should check up on me
I feel small helpless a little scared
Someone should make sure I’m ok
Maybe make sure my feet are tucked in
But no one will be doing that
No one there to care
I’m all alone in this house of mine
I grab my blankie tighter while the tears roll
(I had a real bad early morning…Yuck…when will this get easier!!)