Last night I had a nightmare. I was auditioning for a part in a movie and I had my daughter and my babysister with me, they were both toddlers. All of a sudden I lost them. I could not find them. I found myself in a very bad part of town and it was dark. I was on railroad tracks and trains were coming and going. I could see the lights approaching me and I would have to jump, nearly escaping the giant monstrosities from crushing me. I was panic stricken because I could not find my babies. I woke up in still a panic and the tears would not stop for nearly a half hour. What was going on…it was only a dream, why was it still affecting my emotions like it was. What did this dream mean. Lost children, dodging trains, darkness? Then I remembered my night before.

I had to get a dresser from my exes. This used to be my house too just 4 months prior. I hadn’t seen it in some time. I pulled up to it and remembered the quaint beauty of it, it was decorated for spring with multi-colored windmills, the flowers were in full bloom. This house was a fixer upper and the entire family pulled together to make it what it was. Everything from the landscaping to the painting, tile, decorating. Now it could easily be part of a magazine of beautiful houses.

I had already made up my mind I was not going to go in, so I called up my ex on his cell and told him to bring my dresser and meet me at the fence. As I stood at the fence instantly the cat my kids and I rescued about 10 years ago came running from the neighbors house and plopped in plain view so I could see her. I hadn’t seen Pepper (we named her that because of her beautiful gray fur) in months. She wasn’t an affectionate cat, her manner was just to watch you, but my heart swelled to see her.

Then out of nowhere came galloping our Pitt mix, Roscoe, oh my gosh he was overly happy to see me. He so happy he just tried and tried to get over the fence. As my ex fought to keep him in the fence to get the dresser out, my poor dog tried desperately to get to me. Roscoe had not seen me in months either but man he recognized me and wanted to get to me. I couldn’t take it. My ex tried t say something and my eyes filled with tears. I felt myself breaking and I did not want to give this man the satisfaction of seeing me break but it was too late…he seen. I ran to my car…out of the corner of my eye I seen my dog standing there staring at me…just standing he stopped trying to get at me…what was going on in his mind…I know what hit me…none of this was mine anymore.

My dream made sense to me. Losing my daughter, panicking trying to find them in the dark. I had lost it all, the pets that we had rescued from the pound, the house we had worked so hard to flip and make beautiful…all gone…no longer mine. They were all no longer mine. This strength that I have been bouncing around claiming to have, almost dangling in my exes face crumbled in front of my exes face for him to see because there are things that I realize that I need to let go. I loved that house, everything from the garden in the backyard, to my room that I decorated myself in a Victorian style to the comfy den that was custom made to fit my couch that could fit a family of 10. This den was called the comfy room because it was all couch and had a flat screen TV and everyone wanted to kick it in there cause of this couch.

It is like a someone dying. I am mourning and grieving the loss of many things all at once and I need to put it to rest but the hard part is that they are still in existence and someone else is enjoying them…so there is a jealousy part inside of me. Let me look deeper, there is that ugly head again of resentment. Oooo, I hit the hammer on the nail, as I said that word, my stomach hurt. Thank you God, that I have don’t enough work on myself that I know that working on resentment is about forgiveness. I have to work on forgiving. I know that I am feeling resentment towards my husband and his mother because they are the ones that ended up with the house and the pets…notice I am no longer saying “my”. I need to stop saying “my”. I have a new little adorable kitty now and I will rejoice in that little kitty that wakes me up every morning grooming me and liking my eyelids as if to say wake up you are going to be late for work.

I know I will be ok. I know that Roscoe, and Pepper and Kitty (that is the other pet) are in good loving hands because my ex really loves those pets, really loves them. I need to be grateful for that. Circumstances are I was not able to take them because I didn’t want to take them out of their comfort zone, I was being loving and unselfish. I have my own apartment that I find comfort and solace in, yeah yeah I don’t own it and yeah yeah it is small, but hey it is a beginning and I am blessed for what I have. We always need to count our blessings.

Today I will remember to breath, today I will remember to be grateful that my old pets have loving owners, today I will remember to be grateful that I have a beautiful new life that yes I had to sacrifice some things to get where I am now, but realistically I have to remember my life is better than it was with him, and no I would not go back to where it was so what THE HELL AM I COMPLAINING ABOUT!! OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO BE HAPPY!!! Geez!! Sometimes writing this stuff is like a slap in the face! I am where I want to be, and I am happy now, that is what is important now. Those pets are happy at that house. Thank you God for my Life! .Enough!!


  1. LOVE this!! Grieving is such a process. We think it is in a moment, but it actually unfolds in so many surprising ways over time. Thanks for your inspiration!


    1. Yes just when I think it is over, another aspect of it rears its ugly head and I have to go through that part. so much for superwoman.. 😦


  2. hotlilmess says:

    Cleansing the soul with tears, such a necessary evil. i feel your pain and also your strength to pick yourself up and embark on another chapter of life! ❤ big hugs and a pinky swear for better days x


  3. Caryl Park says:

    The longer we resist and deny the extent of the pain, the longer it takes to heal. I am glad you honour yourself in this way. You too one day will laugh again and the pain will be nothing more than a distant memory. I suffered for almost 10 years with the worst nightmares from PTSD … today I am free :o)
    You can read my story here


    1. THank you so much for your beautiful words.


  4. reocochran says:

    I still after 7 years miss my labrador retriever named Tobias, or Toby. He is getting old, but the last time I really spent time with my ex was about 3 years ago. The kids go over or don’t if they wish, different from your circumstances. This is hard for you and it is raw and fresh wounds. I wish you healing and lots of better times ahead!


  5. I feel bad but I was pushing my dog away, like please don’t get close to me, it hurts too much for you to get close to me, go away. I am sad I did that. I was protecting myself and hurting the dog. I should not have done that.


  6. Caryl Park says:

    I thought much about you last night and wanted to share with you… TRAUMA and PTSD go hand in hand. There are so many wonderful resources available on line, do your self the favour and search for the answers you desparately need. I am busy writing a second book which is about the journey to find healing but briefly I want to say, I TRIED EVERYTHING, went on healing retreats, had hypnotherapy, saw a psychologist for years, and a psychiatrist when the pain was so bad I considered suicide. I read books on Co-dependency and dozens of books on healing, creating a life of abundance. I did a life coaching course to help myself, did several on line courses spent an absolute fortune, and in my mind.. nothing helped in fact I often thought it was getting worse and worse with passing time.
    I also lost my multi million $ home, my 3 adorable pets, my overseas holidays to exotic destinations. I lost many of my friends who supported him or his money should I say. I went through HELL.
    Stitches take 10 days before they are removed. Broken bones take 6 wks, head injuries can take years…. who knows how long it takes to heal a broken heart?
    On the outside we look fine we don’t walk down the street with blood saturated clothes, no one calls an ambulance or rushes to help us make something to eat… we often suffer alone in silence day after day, month after month and year after year.
    THE GOOD NEWS – yes of course forgiveness is a key but it is not the only one. The keys that will open the doors to a wonderful and happy future.
    1. Don’t deny the pain and anger.
    2. Feel the emotions and surround yourself with people who will listen and support you.
    3. Seek professional help.
    4. Journal to your hearts content, which you are doing here.
    5. When your anxiety goes through the roof and before you go to sleep… play computer games on your cell phone. Do you know anything about NPD look it up on the internet. Before you sleep, you need to redirect the neurons in your brain and redirect them, playing on your phone does that.
    6. Most of all… ‘Be still and know that I am God’…. He cares for you, He knows the hairs on your head and His will is not to harm you but to restore you to your FULL GLORY.
    He is faithfull to accomplish the plans He has for you.
    You will get through this and each day is one day closer to JOY, HAPPINESS, PEACE as you have never known it before.
    My trauma counsellor gave me a wonderful program to work when I was at my worst.. if you would like me to share it with you please email me and I will do that for you.
    Take special care and be kind to yourself.


    1. caryl, If I can’t find you I hope you can find me. I am interested in talking to you. Thank you for the feedback


    2. yup could not find you


  7. Caryl Park says:

    You can find me on Facebook look for Caryl Park (Wyatt) and you can also contact me through my website or my blog. ;o)


    1. How do i find you on your website…sorry I am so green to all this…very new. Just started this to vent with my new found pain in January


  8. Thank you for any other excellent post. The place else may anybody get that type of info in such an ideal way of writing?
    I have a presentation next week, and I’m at the look for such info.


Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s