MY EX GIVES ME NIGHTMARES!!
Last night I had a nightmare. I was auditioning for a part in a movie and I had my daughter and my babysister with me, they were both toddlers. All of a sudden I lost them. I could not find them. I found myself in a very bad part of town and it was dark. I was on railroad tracks and trains were coming and going. I could see the lights approaching me and I would have to jump, nearly escaping the giant monstrosities from crushing me. I was panic stricken because I could not find my babies. I woke up in still a panic and the tears would not stop for nearly a half hour. What was going on…it was only a dream, why was it still affecting my emotions like it was. What did this dream mean. Lost children, dodging trains, darkness? Then I remembered my night before.
I had to get a dresser from my exes. This used to be my house too just 4 months prior. I hadn’t seen it in some time. I pulled up to it and remembered the quaint beauty of it, it was decorated for spring with multi-colored windmills, the flowers were in full bloom. This house was a fixer upper and the entire family pulled together to make it what it was. Everything from the landscaping to the painting, tile, decorating. Now it could easily be part of a magazine of beautiful houses.
I had already made up my mind I was not going to go in, so I called up my ex on his cell and told him to bring my dresser and meet me at the fence. As I stood at the fence instantly the cat my kids and I rescued about 10 years ago came running from the neighbors house and plopped in plain view so I could see her. I hadn’t seen Pepper (we named her that because of her beautiful gray fur) in months. She wasn’t an affectionate cat, her manner was just to watch you, but my heart swelled to see her.
Then out of nowhere came galloping our Pitt mix, Roscoe, oh my gosh he was overly happy to see me. He so happy he just tried and tried to get over the fence. As my ex fought to keep him in the fence to get the dresser out, my poor dog tried desperately to get to me. Roscoe had not seen me in months either but man he recognized me and wanted to get to me. I couldn’t take it. My ex tried t say something and my eyes filled with tears. I felt myself breaking and I did not want to give this man the satisfaction of seeing me break but it was too late…he seen. I ran to my car…out of the corner of my eye I seen my dog standing there staring at me…just standing he stopped trying to get at me…what was going on in his mind…I know what hit me…none of this was mine anymore.
My dream made sense to me. Losing my daughter, panicking trying to find them in the dark. I had lost it all, the pets that we had rescued from the pound, the house we had worked so hard to flip and make beautiful…all gone…no longer mine. They were all no longer mine. This strength that I have been bouncing around claiming to have, almost dangling in my exes face crumbled in front of my exes face for him to see because there are things that I realize that I need to let go. I loved that house, everything from the garden in the backyard, to my room that I decorated myself in a Victorian style to the comfy den that was custom made to fit my couch that could fit a family of 10. This den was called the comfy room because it was all couch and had a flat screen TV and everyone wanted to kick it in there cause of this couch.
It is like a someone dying. I am mourning and grieving the loss of many things all at once and I need to put it to rest but the hard part is that they are still in existence and someone else is enjoying them…so there is a jealousy part inside of me. Let me look deeper, there is that ugly head again of resentment. Oooo, I hit the hammer on the nail, as I said that word, my stomach hurt. Thank you God, that I have don’t enough work on myself that I know that working on resentment is about forgiveness. I have to work on forgiving. I know that I am feeling resentment towards my husband and his mother because they are the ones that ended up with the house and the pets…notice I am no longer saying “my”. I need to stop saying “my”. I have a new little adorable kitty now and I will rejoice in that little kitty that wakes me up every morning grooming me and liking my eyelids as if to say wake up you are going to be late for work.
I know I will be ok. I know that Roscoe, and Pepper and Kitty (that is the other pet) are in good loving hands because my ex really loves those pets, really loves them. I need to be grateful for that. Circumstances are I was not able to take them because I didn’t want to take them out of their comfort zone, I was being loving and unselfish. I have my own apartment that I find comfort and solace in, yeah yeah I don’t own it and yeah yeah it is small, but hey it is a beginning and I am blessed for what I have. We always need to count our blessings.
Today I will remember to breath, today I will remember to be grateful that my old pets have loving owners, today I will remember to be grateful that I have a beautiful new life that yes I had to sacrifice some things to get where I am now, but realistically I have to remember my life is better than it was with him, and no I would not go back to where it was so what THE HELL AM I COMPLAINING ABOUT!! OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO BE HAPPY!!! Geez!! Sometimes writing this stuff is like a slap in the face! I am where I want to be, and I am happy now, that is what is important now. Those pets are happy at that house. Thank you God for my Life! .Enough!!