IF WE AREN’T TOGETHER, IS IT STILL OUR ANNIVERSARY?
Happy Anniversary to me! Happy Anniversary to me! Happy Anniversary to me! Happy Anniversary to me! Wow, just think we made it to 28 years of wedded bliss….NOT!!
6 months ago my husband asked me for a divorce and since we were living under his mother’s roof, I was asked to leave the premises or I would be legally evicted. I was going to wait it out and make them legally evict me, go to court, ha ha…make it get ugly. They don’t know who they are messing with. Ha ha, I was going to make their life a living hell! But what happened is I was getting bitter, ugly, having bad thoughts, and becoming a miserable person. For MY sanity, I had to get out of that house fast. I left most of my wordly possessions and lost most of my dreams and left.
Now today is my anniversary, gee do you think I will get a big bouquet of roses delivered to me at work??? HA ha!! Maybe a box of chocolates with cyanide!! Just kidding, realistically my ex has been very nice. I am sure guilt because of what he did to me has a lot to do with it. But whatever we are friends right now, guarded friends. I don’t go to the local bar with him and have margaritas and shoot the shit with him. I will call him if I need to communicate and call out a cheerful good morning. There is no bitter or sarcastic “Imma gonna kill you!” Indian runs towards him with a tomahawk cause I have rage running through my veins. I have compassion and sisterly love for him for lack of a better word. I don’t want to have sex with him…that is definitely gone. When I see him I don’t have any pulsating throbs in my groins…that’s a good sign, no? And we could carry on a good conversation about pretty much anything EXCEPT whose fault it was about the marriage falling apart. He still says look at what part you had in it. Ha! Maybe I need to because in my eyes, I am innocent, cause I at least wanted to go to counseling and that is like going to the priest, it washes away all my sins!
And it is funny, BECAUSE I HAVE SUCH AN URGE TO CALL HIM AND SAY HAPPY ANNIVERSARY …almost in a joking manner…but I won’t. He is my friend now, not my husband. I will take that. I cannot divorce him because of a messy pension and IRS red tape issue that I cannot get into so the years may add up. Anniversaries may continue to add up. How many, I do not know, wow we may get up to 30 years, I believe that gift is pearls. I am lucky in a sense that my hatred for that man has went away, this is good for me, for my healing. It is very good for my children. It doesn’t mean that he will be hanging at my house watching television, it means that I will not be bad mouthing him to my kids, and that is important to them but because no matter what he is their father. Wow I am growing in leaps in bounds.
So there will be no cards today, no roses waiting for me at home, I will not be making a special steak dinner for him. Better yet, I will have a compassionate understanding for a man that hurt me and this is a gift I gave to myself.