I TOLD MY HUSBAND OF MY NEW RELATIONSHIP
What did I do…I was at a party yesterday and I was reminded of the humiliating things I used to do to try to make my husband stay with me. I was humiliated because it was being told in front of many people including my son and his girlfriend. I won’t mention what was said because it was quite embarrassing. I went to many lengths, but I will share that he said in front of the group, Cathy, you were always crying crying crying….where is he…where is he…I wanted to dig a hole and climb into it. Imagine that was nothing nothing nothing compared to what else was said…Some pretty bad things were shared of how I used to be.
I had the entire night to think about then and now and early this morning I sat with my cup of coffee listening to my jammin’ tunes with my kitty as I usually do still with the memories of how horrible my life used to be with this man. I could not control myself. I picked up my phone and I sent a text. I mentioned what was said, about what I used to do to try to get his attention, his love that would always result in just rejection and I added, “Now I know what a relationship is and I’m not begging for attention, begging for love…no more rejection for me, that is all I ever wanted in life.”
Was I wrong to send this? I really don’t know. But in my heart it was so important that the person I was seeing didn’t make me feel like I was over-clingy if I wanted to hold their hand or get a kiss. All along I thought there was something wrong with me and he made it seem like there was something wrong with me and I felt repulsive because my own husband couldn’t get close to me. I would rub his arm and it would give him the heeby jeebys. I remember I had to fight the urge to hug my own husband, and yearning all the time to be held and that never came. I was starving for love and it never came. I labeled myself codependent, I question if I am even that anymore.
Go figure, there would be somebody out there that would tell me, hey you are too far, come sit a little closer. Wow!.
Did I do the wrong thing telling him this? Did I need to hurt him needlessly by rubbing it in his face that I have a new relationship that is giving him everything that he could not, or am I showing him that my needs were not out of this world and outlandish and he really needs to check himself. I don’t know. I think it had to do a lot with how much he has hurt me all these years from all the rejection he gave me and yeah I was rubbing it in his face that, guess what, I am loveable after all. So take that. I know it isn’t so grown up to do, let’s just call it a part of closure for me. It is part of me moving on and completely severing my ties with my old life with him. Happy Anniversary Baby!!