I am a worrier by nature, before where I used to voice and nag my worries to my partner just to somehow maybe have them appeased or ignored but at least get them vented now I hold them in. I don’t want to worry my daughter that I worry month to month about making rent because my check makes it so close, if something were to happen, some necessity were to occur, well I just don’t know. I blindly invested in internet because I just could not handle doing my online writing class in secret at work anymore. My grades were sliding and I knew I could do better if I could leisurely instead of stressfully do my work, now for some God awful reason my internet hasn’t worked since yesterday. I call the help support line and isn’t it ironic you have to listen to some recording and they put on some opera jazz recorded music so freakin out of tune and out there you want to scream…They think I am going to hand up…my nerves are shot and I feel like screaming and throwing my phone out the door …THIS MUSIC WHERE DID IT COME FROM!!!! SOMEBODY GIVE ME A SHOTGUN!!!

I am worrying about money. Last night I had a dream that I lived in a hut alone and I had to go find coconuts to be able to keep my hut. As I was walking looking for coconuts people were selling fruits, bracelets anything, it was like I had become a person like in Tijuana on the border where they hustle the people trying to get home, and I needed to find coconuts to sell the people walking by, but the only trees I seen were rotted or had young coconuts. I was very worried in my dream. I seen my mother doing a voodoo smoke spell she was wishing me prosperity and I was telling her that stuff doesn’t work. Then I woke up.

Yesterday the landlord found out we have a kitty, it is in the contract that it is $100 more if we want to bring in a cat. We never thought the landlord or actually realty company would find out, they are in another city, I don’t know it was stupidity on our part…of course they could find out…aye aye aye that is $1,200 a year. I love my kitty that attacks me in my sleep and all she does is runs around pestering me.

That $100 is going to hurt an already tight budget and it is scary, but I can’t let this cute kitty go. And I can’t let this money issue continue to ravage my brain. I am like a scaird child in a big world playing big person …I am gonna make it I am gonna make it. Yesterday my mom wanted to go to the cemetery to put flowers on my grandmothers grave, and I was not wanting to go because my mom always wants to eat. Sure enough she pulls into her favorite Mexican restaurant where dishes are no less than $10.50 a plate. Then in my stomach the entire time I became angry at her because this was going to take away from my budget. Then to make matters worse, she paid for all of it because I know she sensed my anger. I do not want to be anyone’s pity person. My mother loves to spend time with me and I her too, but budget budget blah blah blah…I got creative, I got her two $10 movie tickets, she looks at them and says, no no you can’t afford this, I said mom, I said it’s not just for you, it’s so you and I could go…she liked that idea…you should have seen her face light up… 

I know this is going to be hard but I am going to continue to trudge and be that big person and sell those coconuts

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