WHY DO I KEEP FALLING!!!
It’s been 6 months since the departure from my married household and I think I am doing good and then feelings of anger come bubbling up again. They wake me up, I get the urge to call him and tell him off, but I know that contacting him will just fuel my fire. No contact is better. My tears piss me off even more because I don’t want to cry even tears of anger…but I know that it is good to let it out.
When will this stop. I went to bed thinking about him and all that he did to hurt me, I think that is what is bothering me the most that I did so much and he didn’t do shit for me and I am pissed about some divorce issues and I need to let it go…let it go…
If you carry around a ball of anger or pain in you and stifle it like I did it will come out in other ways. Where can I find ways to release this anger that are healthy. Going to him is not a solution because he will just disregard my feelings and what will that do, buddy oh buddy…you want to see somebody go psycho? Yah! You may see me on the 11 o’ clock news!
You know what I bought to relieve stress, it is those electronic cigarettes! Yeah isn’t that cool, and I look so cool smoking it….yeah believe it real smoke comes out but it isn’t real smoke it’s vapor…like water vapor. It’s RAD!!! I got it at a smoke shop and you change the filters to change the flavors like peach, melon, cherry…isn’ t that cool. And the really cool thing is that it does relieve stress. See I used to be a smoker so it really does feel good to me. But there is no Nicotine so you don’t get addicted!!! So ok here I have been fixating on my oral fixation, puffing away like a peach flavored train…Oh yeah I’m cool..look at me everyone! Then damnit…I can’t find it…I know I had put it somewhere…but where…I start tearing up my car, my purse, looking twice and thrice in the same places…my skin starts itching cause I need a peach vapor fix…come on where are you my sweet electronic cigarette. DAMNIT!!!! I became like a Heroine addict the whole weekend…DO YOU KNOW I ACTUALLY THOUGHT ABOUT BUYING REAL CIGARETTES!!!! OMG nonaddicting by cute lil ass!! There may be no nicotine but you get addicted to that hand to mouth motion. The hell with it I thought, I am glad I lost it. That is pure BS I thought…It was so hard quitting smoking and I am not going to go through that again!!!
So I get to work….AND THERE IT IS!!!! Yay I forgot it at work over the weekend…I am so excited, it plugs into the computer to charge, so I am charging it and I will smoke tonight…I know I know…but the peach flavor is sooo good and they say it’s non addicting!! I believe them!!!
So Yeah…I think I am a yo-yo! This blog went totally away from what I was trying to say…so I leave you now…Happy Peach Smoking!!!