LEAVE THE LOVE IN MY HEART ALONE….

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LEAVE THE LOVE IN MY HEART ALONE!

I am realizing he will always have part of my heart and I have to realize that that is ok.

I have to get to a point where that small part he has in my heart is like a small potted flower and it is ok to nourish its beauty because no matter what, it is my love and my love will always be part of who I am, and that is always beautiful. It doesn’t mean I am carrying a torch for him. It doesn’t mean I am still “in” love with him. It doesn’t even mean I want him back.

It means there is a beauty in me, a part of me that is so special and unique and I am made of pure love. That is how God made me and that is how I wish to continue to stay. I don’t want to continue to hate anyone. My anger for him returns a lot and it hurts me more than it hurts him. I don’t want to live like that anymore.

I pray that my heart one day will be released of all the anger completely so that I can feel more joy than I feel anger and that the days of joy grow and grow. I want the space in my heart to have less and less room for anger and more and more room for just joy and love. One day all that ugliness and bitterness will have no room to come into my heart because my heart will be so full of joy and pure love, I see that as the highest form of happiness.

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THIS BROKEN HEART OF MINE!!!

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THIS BROKEN HEART OF MINE!!!

This heart of mine

For so long it has been injured

For so long it has been mistreated

For so long it has been battered

My poor heart my poor heart

And now they tell it forgive them

It was ok that they kicked you around

It was ok that they made you bleed

Let them walk away with no guilt

And feel they did no wrong

You will heal you will heal

But damn what’s taking so long!

LOVE IS ONLY SKIN DEEP….

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LOVE IS ONLY SKIN DEEP…

A part of her yearns for beauty

To be the fairest of them all

Where does that come from

How does one tie beauty to love

Can beauty bring her love

Reality will tell her the truth

But the little girl still begs to differ

Never compare your daughters

Telling them ones beauty outshines the others

It’s such a burden to carry on

A lifetime of mirrors will follow her

And none will ever make her happy

But alas time to go find love

But wait…where’s her lipstick…

WHO SAYS GOOD THINGS DON’T HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE!!!

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WHO SAYS GOOD THINGS DON’T HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE!!

When it looked like my entire pension would be wiped out because my husband committed fraud against the IRS. They told to give it to God. I was told to hurry and divorce my husband because my pension was growing and boy wouldn’t the IRS love that. The cheapest attorney I could find was $2,500, but I couldn’t afford it, I have been living paycheck to paycheck. I couldn’t afford to pay for an attorney to pay for the divorce, once again they said give it to God. What was all this, “Give to God?” Was God going to write me out a check or something?

I remember those words as I sat in the parking lot of the attorney who told me that my case looked bad and that he wanted his money upfront. I sat there and I shuddered in tears, my windows were rolled up and I didn’t even notice how hot the car was and I was perspiring and I was heaving from crying so much. I don’t know how long I sat there. I bet I lost 5 pounds from sweating and crying so much. I had nothing to show for my life except my pension. I had no house, property, my car was ratty. The only thing was I thought that I was putting money away for the last 20 years so I could retire comfortably and that was gone. He tainted my past now he was taking my future away too.

But that day, out loud, with my windows rolled up, I shouted out to God, not because I was angry, but because I was full of despair and pain. I told God that I could not handle this scary situation anymore that it was taking me to the deep end and I placed it in his hand. I said please take it from me because I didn’t have the strength to carry it on my shoulders anymore. I didn’t have the strength to worry about it anymore. It was making me sick, it was giving me anxiety. I asked him to please give me the outcome that was the best for me and my children and I would continue to serve him and honor him the best I could and to please please take this from me, all of me. I was shuddering and begging and crying from my gut and I sat there till I couldn’t cry anymore. Then I turned on my car and went home. That was one of the worst days of my life.

Yesterday we met with a high end, $300 an hour, tax specialist. This was a toughie and she had to call her attorney friend and discuss our situation. This lady was a hug lady she said, when we walked in the door, my husband and I…YES I SAID MY HUSBAND AND I, we went together! The first thing I noticed was the scent, some kind of incense, soothing, like I had walked into an Indian boutique. Then this lady insisted she hugs her customers, warm friendly lady. Uh ok, why not.

We explained our situation. He wanted to sign away his rights to my pension and didn’t want his IRS bill to touch me.

Back to her phone call. Ready for the outcome?

1. Because I always filed single, the IRS doesn’t know that I am married to him so I am flying under the radar and his
bill will not affect my pension as long as we hurry up and get a divorce.

2. Her friend attorney said she would do our divorce for $1,500 that my husband said he would pay!!!

3. When we asked the tax specialist what we owed her she said, for us, nothing, she wanted to do this pro bono!

I don’t know if you all realize how huge this is to me. If my pension was taken I would have had to keep working here and live off what Social Security gave me because he would have drained most of my pension.

Now, I can retire in a few years if I want and live off my pension and make almost what I am making working now because I would have been working around 25 years here, or wait and collect social security AND my pension, have the money to travel. Live comfortable. I deserve this. MY PENSION IS MINE PEOPLE, MINE MINE MINE!! THANK YOU GOD!!!

Who says good things don’t happen to good people!!

DO YOU WANT A BETTER LIFE….I DO!!!

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DO YOU WANT A BETTER LIFE…I DO!

I feel this as sort as a testimony. I started this blog as sort as a place where I vented against my ugly monster husband. Yesterday when I saw him, I gave him a sincere hug. I am realizing something miraculous happening in my life people that I cannot understand. I am feeling miracles happening all around me, what I ask for, what I wish for happens but this is when I strive for this goal and keep my positive attitude. As soon as I start doubting myself, poof, I know my dream will no longer come true. I wanted a certain job, poof I got it, I wanted to start writing a blog, I got it, my divorce, my happiness, small things, the larger things, well, I realize that I have to have patience and dream big and work big for those thing.

I was watching Joel Olstein this weekend and he said a lecture and he said whatever you want can be yours if you truly believe and set your mind to it. I will write my book, I am setting it out into the universe right now, and it will be successful. I will have my own house and drive a nice car and be truly independent. My life is a tight rosebud right now but I see it slowly slowy loosening its petals wanting to open, God is my sun that I am pointing towards to help me bloom.

I will bloom in all its glory, I will be glorious!!

MY DREAM ANGEL IS WARNING ME NOT TO KNOCK THE SH*T OUT OF MY HUSBAND!!

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MY DREAM ANGEL IS WARNING ME NOT TO KNOCK THE SH*T OUT OF MY HUSBAND!!!

Alrighty people grab some popcorn time to trip out. One would think my dreams are flashbacks from Woodstock doing Acid with Janis Joplin but I was actually still just a teeny weeny widdle baby in the 60’s. I have a totally more innocent theory AND I totally believe this beautiful theory.

See, I believe in God and Angels and they do come into your dreams and konk you on the head with their pixie dust and say, yo’ this is a warning. Well maybe they don’t say yo’, but they do come into your dreams.

So trip out on my dream. Yeah, yeah, it made me jump up at four in the morning boo hooing and writing over a pot of coffee so I could have all my loving WordPress peeps read how my kaleidoscope brain processes. Believe me sometimes it is too much for me!

Ok on to my dream.

My kids were young, I have a son and daughter. We are driving in a red beat up truck and for some reason we are in Tijuana amongst the vast Mexican population. (Don’t throw tomatoes, I am Mexican and besides, you think I don’t know we are not VAST!)

Anyways, my daughter tells me, “Look mommy, daddy could do the rectangle poke and make all his bones poke out cause he is in shape. Of course I ask what that is. So he flexes and I see his hip bone poke out, his shoulder bone poke out, his back bone poke out, AND HIS PENIS POKE OUT!!!

I lose it and start screaming at him, “What is wrong with you gross dog, put your dick away!” He doesn’t but continues to flex his body with all his “bones” poking out and he spats at me, “You are just jealous cause you are not in shape like me you porkster!”

I reach over my kids head and just start slapping the sh*t out of him. Whack! Whack! Whack! Slapping him all over his smug stupid face!

Casually he picks up his phone and calls his boss and says he is going to be late for work because he is going to call the police to charge me for battery. Holy smokes, I look to see if I could jump out of the truck to get away but I realize we are driving through swamps and for some reason I have no shoes, why don’t I have any shoes? He eyes me with this smirk like I got you.

Then all of a sudden we reach a border. I told you we were in Tijuana right, ok just checking. Well we start approaching this border, but it was a different kind of border we are about the cross and my husband looks at the border and then looks at me totally confused. A feeling of serenity sweeps over me and I call for my children to come to me and as they do he starts stuttering like a confused dumb duck. As I take the hands of my children and start to exit the truck I tell my husband, “This is the border where the dream ends David. I only hit you in my dream not in real life. So in real life you can’t press charges on me or put me in jail, because I only did it to you in my dreams.”

So with both my kids I turned away leaving him in his Tijuana red beat up truck and I walked away from him and I could still hear him still stuttering and stammering. I just continued to walk and started to eat some bacon. Yeah, bacon. I don’t know where the bacon came from, must have something to do with him calling me porkster.

There was a long line of women walking away from their men holding the hands of their children leaving their past behind as they crossed the dream border and into reality..

And I woke up

Yeah, yeah I woke up in tears because that is who I am, a crybaby and I believe in messages from my angels. I have been known to get violent too. Not just my husband, but me too, I know I leave those blogs out, how fancy of me huh.

See tomorrow I am supposed to go “alone in a car” with my husband to see a tax specialist and it will be the first time we spend any time together since the break-up. This visit is because he committed tax fraud and my entire pension is at risk of being wiped out. So isn’t that the perfect formula for such:

Me alone in a car with spouse + my pension being wiped out = beat the sh*t out of my spouse!

It doesn’t take a calculator to figure that out. Now you tell me my angels didn’t send me a message. All that ugliness is the past now, it is no longer how I function. I have my children by my side whether they are grown or small. They look upon me to make right choices? I no longer have to react by my emotions like I did in the past, whether it be because of anger seeing him of bad news I get regarding my taxes. I need to keep my emotions at bay. Slowly I am learning…very slowly…

But I am getting there.

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL….

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MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL….

Does anyone remember the movie with Jack Black and Gwynth Paltrow Shallow Hal? Gwynth is a 300 pound woman but because Jack was hypnotized into loving her for her inner beauty, all he sees is an extremely beautiful woman with no flaws. He is so sincere when he tells her that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever met and dotes on her falling head over heels in love with her. His friend thinks he has gone off the deep end. He even proudly shows her off by taking her to a pool in her bikini and being mesmerized seeing her as she shyly approaches him in her lingerie. He sees nothing but a hot bod! This is kinda what self-love is like. You know the flaws are there, but you see past them and your eyes go towards the positive and that is what you fall in love with. Let me explain my experience.

I have age spots on my face. Brown spots right under my left cheek. I have looked at my face a million times. I look at my face every day when I tell myself that I love myself, I look at myself when I put on my make-up, when I check that my make-up is ok, when I make sure my hair looks ok, to put on my contacts. I probably look at my face more than anyone in the world and I was Hal, I looked past those brown spots and I saw a beautiful woman. For a year I have been working on loving myself because for my entire life I couldn’t even look at my own self in the mirror or even someone in the eye because I thought they would pick apart every part of me.

When I met my husband, we were at a baptismal and he kept walking past me and his eyes would meet mine and instantly my eyes dropped to the ground out of pure insecurity. I thought, oh my God, oh my God, he is looking at me, what do I do! I didn’t have the experience nor the self-esteem to even look a boy in the face. I was 17!

Yet, recently I had been looking in the mirror on a daily basis and looking right past the brown spots, just like Jack Black did in the movie. I didn’t see my flaws at all, all I seen were the positives of my face. Then a lady at my work told me that there was a cream that would take care of my age spots. I was taken back. I really didn’t know what she was talking about. I asked my daughter if I had age spots. She told me I did, I asked her if they looked bad and she told me no, so I went on with my life.

A month went by and another person told me Garnier made a good cream for Liver Spots. Whoah! That sounded even creepier! Liver Spots! That day at aerobics I was looking in the mirrors that were all around us and I saw them for the first time. I thought, why hadn’t I ever seen them before. When did they pop up and get so bad? As I looked in the mirror daily they seemed to be growing and growing and it was almost like I felt like it was going to grow a mouth, open up and start to eat people. It felt like it was magnified by the comments of people. That night I went to Wal-mart and bought me some of that cream and have been putting it on religiously.

Do you see the power of the mind? I myself had built up my self-esteem to look past and accept myself BUT I allowed myself to let others tear that progress down and my eyes were opened to my flaws again. It is obvious that I need to get back to work on me and stop listening to what others think. What is it that Eleanor Roosevelt says, “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” I forgot and gave everyone permission to make me feel inferior again.