MY HEART ACHED FOR MY HUSBAND….

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MY HEART ACHED FOR MY HUSBAND

Today I had a heavy heart. It was for my husband. You see I have a gift that I like to call intuition, some people call me bruja, some people call me gifted, others see it as going against God because you shouldn’t see what the future brings. Hey it isn’t my fault and it only happens sometimes. My sister had a dream that included him, my sister thinks of him often. My heavy heart comes because he made a horrible mistake breaking up his family. It was the worst thing that could have happened to him, yet the best thing that could have happened to me and he is witnessing the effects of it all.

He will see my happiness continue to grow and it saddens me. I would never rub anything in his nose like, “Nanny, Nanny, Nanny!” My heart has softened towards him, my love has evolved for him, not as a wife but kinda like a close relative because he is my history. I do and will always have a love for him. I never wish him any pain.

Today my heart ached for him and I thought, God please give him a happy life too.

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THE ILLUSION OF LOVE

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Visions of sugarplums dance in my head. They are dancing around and they seem so real, the sweet sugary taste tantalize my taste buds and I want to consume them up. The deep frosty purple glisten as they swirl round and round threatening to burst with the sweet nectar they are filled with.

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I CHOOSE TO STOP HATING MY HUSBAND!

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I CHOOSE TO STOP HATING MY HUSBAND!

As I look back at my blogs, they are kinda bashing on my ex aren’t they. But that is ok, because he really was not a nice person to me. Why is it that everyone that knows him thinks he is the nicest person in the world? Could it be my forcing him to be where he didn’t want to be (with me) made him the most miserable person and he lashed out at the person he was miserable at…me. Maybe.

Things have changed now that we are not together. Now that I am not his live in wife (the divorce is not final yet). He is very cordial, polite, generous, giving. For instance, he found out that my car was having problems starting. He came over and cleaned my battery terminals and they work fine. He found out that my daughter will be moving out and I will have to live alone and he told me as he was leaving me yesterday if I need anything, help financially, help with my car, help with moving, or getting a place, anything, don’t hesitate to call him, he will help anyway he can. He said if I need to take the car to the mechanic just take it and bill it to him. WOW!!!

When he asked me for a divorce, he pretty much destroyed an entire family. My daughter and I were asked to leave the house we were living with his mother and him because his mother was not getting along with my daughter. His mother is his only living relative left and she is in the hospital and I don’t give her more than a couple months to live with her Cancer. My family is a very large loving Hispanic family that he lost when he asked me for a divorce. He will have only my 2 kids as his family. I have a large support system and he is left in a large 4 bedroom house alone which I guess he won’t stay single forever.

I am just reflecting at the growth he has made as a human being. He sees now what he lost, he tells the kids how much he misses me, how the house seems empty without me, the house doesn’t seem like a home anymore, and my cooking…oh how he misses my cooking too. My kids have had to tell him to leave me alone that I am doing good being by myself and not to ruin things, so he grudgingly agrees.

I am saying all this because I want the world to know that in my heart I totally forgive my husband for everything. To me he has changed his ways and is now a wonderful father to my kids and is attempting to aid me in my independence. I think he has turned out to be a good man in God’s eyes. My forgiving him is important to me in my healing because I need to not harbor any resentments that could keep me ill and bitter. I like that peace that fills my heart and that weight that has been lifted from my heart. I like to feel he is a good man and just does the best he does with what he had. Nobody can judge another because we don’t know the path they had to walk through. Actually I do know the path he had to go through and it was a pretty bad one and that is why I choose to forgive him. It was a path full of violence and one of no physical love and that is why I choose to forgive him.

So today I am choosing to release all anger against my husband so that I may heal and be a better person. I hope others will follow suit.

PRAY MY PAIN AWAY…

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PRAY THE PAIN AWAY

It’s ok for your heart to ache sometimes

This is part of the grieving process

Without pain how could we compare joy

So I sit here with this pain and I let it settle

And I don’t think of it as the end of the world

Instead it is just a human feeling that I was given

Let it roll through my body from my stomach to my toes

That achy tightness and sadness that won’t let you go

For a moment I let it exhume me like the wave of the sea

I let the pain take over cleansing my pores letting me free

For when tomorrow comes and the sun shines it’s a new day

And let’s pretend we don’t feel a thing

Let’s pretend that our hearts don’t ache over him at all

We will walk with our heads held high and a spring in our step

And a smile that will brighten up the darkest of skies

Let’s pretend that we don’t care that our hearts break for him

Let’s pretend till we actually feel joy in our hearts

Let’s pretend…. Let’s pretend… Let’s pretend… Oh God…

CLIMBING FOR LOVE…

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Oh the webs we weave, ok! My quest for love continues. It is a journey that I continue to climb the highest mountain in pursuit of.

The mountain I left didn’t have it, my husband. I climbed it all the way to the top. Oh, what a jagged, rocky high mountain it was. Full of peaks and loose rocks. So many times I lost my footage, but I continued my climb. I was sure that I would find what I was looking for.  If I pushed forward and could just reach the top.  But two peaks up, and I would fall three peaks down.

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TEACH ME HOW TO BE SINGLE!

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I was just told, in order to properly heal, I have to mourn the end of one relationship before starting a new one. One step further, for up to six months!

The concept of being alone is this to “find myself”. What exactly am I finding? What does this mean? Am I on the back of a milk carton reported missing? Because last time I checked, I never left.

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THIS LOVE OF MINE…

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THIS LOVE OF MINE…

The beauty of me is my loving heart

There is nothing stronger about me

My love is so powerful and so pure

I care to the depths of my soul

God gave me such an incredible gift

Just approach me and you will be pulled in

If asked, this is my greatest strength

Should I consider it a double edged sword?

For this strength is also my greatest weakness

A weakness that can cause me great pain

Dare I call it a curse or a gift

Loving too much or is it unconditional love?

I know it isn’t a desperate love

I feel healthy about the strength of my love

The man who ends with this love of mine

Will be the luckiest man alive…