NOBODY LAUGHS AT ME ANYMORE!!!
I always waited for my husband to approve of me to make me feel beautiful, it never came. Therefore I was never beautiful. Instead he cheated on me, why would he cheat on me? If I were more beautiful he wouldn’t cheat on me, huh? If only I had a better butt, my butt was as flat as a board, he would laugh at me and call me typewriter butt, because it was flat and wide. Did I say he would laugh? I think I was also supposed to laugh too. I would try to laugh because he said, that is a good one huh, I thought of it myself, so I would try to laugh.
I knew he was a butt man, but I had no butt. I knew he was a butt man because I found the magazines called “Buttman”. Funny huh! There really is a magazine called that. But I didn’t laugh when I saw the title. I didn’t laugh as he always stared openly at other girls bottoms. And I didn’t laugh when I saw him lift my sister’s skirt up to see her bottom one Halloween. I slapped him and he slapped me back and back and back and back.
He would call me dumpy because my stomach protruded out further than my breasts. I remember we were at Petco and he laughed pretty loud as I stood there eating out of a bag of chips and I didn’t get the joke. He said, “I wish you could see your body, it looks so dumpy the way you stand and with your stomach. It just looks so dumpy.” I think I was supposed to laugh. I tried to laugh, instead loud sobs came out and I had to walk away real fast because my children were standing there and watched in horror that he had hurt my feelings and I could hear my daughter scolding him. “Don’t laugh at my mommy!” I could here her tiny voice still today. At such a young age she was kind and loving and knew what it did to me, more than he did.
Beautiful, wow, what was that? Not something I was familiar with. My 20’s flew by, then my 30s, and now I am in my 40’s getting real real close to my 50’s REAL CLOSE. I was told something yesterday that was odd. My daughter’s boyfriend was looking at pictures of me through the years up to now and told her that I was getting better looking as I was aging. My son’s girlfriend was sitting there and she said, “I know your skin is looking really good.” Then my daughter started joking around how my head was going to start to get big and explode. I told her, “I noticed the same thing honey, I just keep getting more beautiful the older I get, I am so afraid to get 80!” Of course that is when she rolled her eyes!
Seriously, seriously, I thought it was just me thinking this. My lines on my face are coming forth little by little with age, but oddly enough I see a beauty that I never seen before. I was thinking to myself, I think I am getting prettier. I am not being vain in no way, I promise. I am not a Kardashian, I am being humble in the same breath, always. I am being thankful to God because I see this as a gift because I want to be deserving of this, I need to not be repulsed of myself when I look in the mirror and instead God took it a step further and with my confidence, all with my confidence and self-love and happiness God made me see the beauty and it shined through making it true like a miracle.
Do you believe in miracles? I do. I always wished to be more beautiful, God didn’t make me more beautiful, he helped me love myself and with that came confidence and that changed me and how the world sees me too, even through photographs. I can see photographs from years ago and I may look younger back then but because my happiness is radiating in my face now, my God, it shows, the beauty of my happiness is like the sun radiating through the entire photo. And I do look better now, wow isn’t that a trip.
I don’t need approval to feel good about myself anymore, I release myself from the bondage of being with a man that will never give me that and tears me down and because I love myself so much now, I am realize I deserve better. I deserve a man that puts me on a pedestal and cherishes me, and dotes on me, and tells me I am beautiful, not because I need to feel beautiful, because he is in awe of my beauty!!
Wow when did this change? When I left the man that kept me feeling so horrible about me! That is when the wheel started rolling. I don’t know why my husband tore me down, I don’t care, I don’t care about his psyche, his issues, what he needs to heal, I release him and all his baggage…So if you think you can laugh at me now? UP YOURS!!!!