I NEEDED TO KNOW IF HE EVER LOVED ME…
I am questioning myself, am I a good person, am I a selfish person, definitely I am a vindicated person, but is it selfish to feel this vindication.
Flash back. Because all of you are sitting there thinking, what the heck is this crazy woman talking about. If you people have been following my crazy up and down blogs you see I go up and down and round and round. I feel good, I feel bad, I am as high as a mountain top singing, “Ain’t no mountain high enough!” or “Swing low sweet chariot!” I am one hot mess! On paper and in person.
I write bleeding heart poetry about the fact that my husband never loved me. Then I write motivational blasts about being past that because I love myself so much it doesn’t matter.
People, if you have been following me you will notice the one thing that always throws me off kilter is my resentment and that resentment at least one part of it is from the fact that I gave so much to this man and how could he so easily throw me away and never had loved me. My ego is bruised. I love him as a person but back then, oh my God I was a young precious girl so in love with a man that shoved and shoved me away. Behind that resentment is a lot of hurt, it hurts me still that he could not love that sweet precious girl because her love was pure and real and she would have and did anything and everything for him.
Fast forward to today. I called him a few days ago and I asked him point blank, “David, did you ever love me?” I am sorry, I had to know. Immediately I thought, how silly, he is going to say yes just to save my feelings. But what he said took my breath away.
“I am divorcing you to save your pension. If I am not legally attached to you, then they can’t make you responsible for my debt. I love you, I never stopped loving you. When this whole divorce is over we can talk about us again.”
That is when I knew in my gut that he was not lying. He loved me and he wanted me back. He was sincere about saving my pension. He was being a good person after all. BUT, I also knew it was too late for me, for us and I told him this. I told him that there could never be “us” ever again because of everything that happened. He said ok and he hung up.
So here I sit reflecting on all this. Ok I am going to be totally honest. I feel good right now. My ego has been rejuvenated and pumped up. I got the chance to tell him where to go. Of course in a very nice loving, adult way. But I feel like I needed this as part of my healing. That is sick isn’t it! Love me so I can tell you where to go!
That is not it. I needed to know that I did not live almost 30 years of a lie. I loved this man, and I needed to know that he loved me too. He was not good to me but he loved me too. That is all I needed to know. I can breathe a little easier now. I am sorry for having to cut him down like I did, I truly am because I truly love him as a human being and care about his feelings and wish the very best in his life. Wow I sound like a totally mature person….
Ok wait here is the test… Do I wish him the best with another woman? Maybe, BUT I DON’T THINK I AM READY TO SEE THEM IN PERSON!!!