I woke up and didn’t have to force myself to be happy, I just felt good. With time I am realizing that the moments of sadness are getting fewer and fewer.
When I was with my husband I could not get out of bed. My life was about sleeping my life away. Don’t feel. Don’t be conscious as much as I could. I would hit that snooze button over and over and over. Mornings were about how many more minutes could I squeeze in before I rush,rush,rush and not be late to work. So of course there would be no curling of hair, no proper application of make-up. It was throw anything on and out the door. My appearance was secondary to just get as much sleep as I could because honestly I did not want to wake up and face the world. The world was not a place I wanted to be. It was a miserable place, there was no joy, I found no motivation to do anything. Except for food, food was soothing.
So my days were about just stay awake until it was time to go unconscious again so I did not have to face the day again. Yeah I was clinically depressed and getting bigger than a house because I was eating everything. When I got off on Friday I went straight to bed and did not get up until Monday morning, true story. What has changed?
Now, I am like a kid at Christmas. I will go to sleep and I want night-time to hurry up and be over with so it could be morning and I could get up and play! Sometimes something must wake me up on accident maybe 2 hours or so after I have fallen asleep and it will be maybe 11:00 at night and I will look at the clock and I will be think, darn! I have to go back to bed. There are a so many times I have awaken up in the middle of the night, two a.m., three a.m. and I do that, darn, I have to go back to bed! Like a child rebelling about going to bed, only I have to be both parent and child, and scold myself to go back to bed.
Go to bed!
I’m not tired.
I don’t care go to bed anyways!
Can I have a drink of water, I’m thirsty?
No! You will pee the bed!
You get the drill. I want the sun to hurry up and get out of his bed so I can get out of my bed! I love my life now and I don’t want to spend my life in bed anymore. There is so much to do now and I have motivation to do it now that I don’t want to waste away like I was doing anymore. When did this happen, I don’t know the day, does it matter, I don’t think so, but it happened and it is still happening. From the most depressed person over a man, to the happiest most elated person over a life that elated me and tickles my fancy… don’t get me wrong, not every single minute.
Some days I have to push myself and remind myself that it is a decision to be the happiest person ever. It does not happen itself, I have to make it happen. Kinda like the concept, act as if and soon it becomes, oh how true it is. I remember one day I was so down and the tears were running down my face and I pushed myself to continue on through my routine as if nothing was happening. Go to the gym I told myself. I sat in my car and the tears would not stop. Finally I told myself, the hell with it I am going to walk in that gym, tears and all and just get on that treadmill and start my day and let this go away. It did and my tears went away and slowly my joy returned. My happiness has been a choice that has become naturally a part of my life now.
I made a promise to my daughter. When I wake up, I won’t crank up the music and dance around the house. She said it was like I was a five-year-old in a bouncy house. Yeah right, like they could keep up with me! She is not a morning person and requires complete quiet. She has had to remind me at three or four in the morning to please respect her because she is not a morning person and tone it down. FINE!!! Kill joy!!
This morning I woke up at 3:44 a.m., made my coffee and wrote a simple message on my Face Book, “I sit here with my cup of coffee and the beautiful sun yearns to wake. I realize my life is perfect for now. Gratefulness fills my heart!”
This says it all. Something so simple as sitting at my table drinking a cup of coffee in my apartment rejoicing in the morning makes me realize how good my life is. I am not a millionaire but I am able to pay all my bills without fail. My car is not a Mercedes-Benz, but it gets me from point A to B without fail. My health is great, my children are perfect, I have the best friends. I am not rich with money, I am rich in a better way, look at the wonderful things I mentioned. There are millionaires that are miserable, I would not trade places with them for anything in the world. Well unless I could be happy and have all that money… Hey just being honest here.
Every morning is like Christmas to me now. It is like, hurry up and start day, what great gifts will you bring me today, what adventures shall we have, who shall we play with today, what experiences will I have… GLORIOUS! GLORIOUS! GLORIOUS!