Month: June 2013

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE SINGLE!!!!

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I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE SINGLE!!!

Here I go again. What’s the matta with you! Like an Italian mama would scold! I have not even ended my marriage and here I am starting a new relationship and wondering why it isn’t going fast enough for me! Aye dios mio! Ok now we have a Mexican mamasita in on the scolding! Before we are done we are going to have a whole melting pot of mama’s scolding me because I am way over my head.

For real peoples I don’t know what is the matter with me. Loneliness, boredom, horniness, yes I said it, I was horny! Women get horny to you know. Maybe I didn’t want to feel anything that I was going to go through because of my divorce and this was the answer, jump into a relationship. It worked. I was swept off my feet by a fabulous man who really kept me busy and entertained me and showed me affection that I hadn’t felt during my marriage. He gave me what I had been craving for 30 years.
I really care for this person but I feel that we are on two very different journeys in life and the longer I continue with him, the more it will hurt when I do end it with him. No matter what it is going to be devastating to be without him because then I will have to face the demons of really being alone.

I always said, aren’t men like jobs, you can’t quit your job without having another job waiting for you. I guess I don’t know how to be alone. I guess I always need to have a man in my life, it has always been that way, I don’t think that is healthy. Stay tuned.

I may take the leap of being REALLY single for the first time in my life….can she do it people…stay tuned!

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FATHER’S DAY DOESN’T INCLUDE ME ANYMORE…

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FATHER’S DAY DOESN’T INCLUDE ME ANYMORE…

It was Father’s Day. I didn’t like it. I felt left out. I felt prepared and everything. I mean come on it isn’t like my ex is “my” father or anything. Not to mention I had the best Mother’s Day ever.

I knew it was coming too because the day before I felt some sadness in me, an inexplainable sadness when I heard that the kids were taking him to eat and I just swallowed hard and thought, “Yeah and what, I had my day, good for them.” I carried on with my day.

As the hours went by, a veil of sadness became heavier and heavier and denser and denser. I realized that I was feeling not part of. This was my first Father’s Day in a broken family. Now why didn’t Valentine’s Day feel bad, or Christmas or such. Well I guess because my kids still included me in those days, but this day was a total, YOU ARE NOT PART OF THIS DAY!

In face I mentioned something to my daughter and she gave me this caca face and said in this big time incredulous face, “You’re wanting to go with us for Father’s Day?” Of course my caca incredulous face had to beat hers as I said, “Hell no!” What a little smart butt, HOW RUDE!!!

But it is true, I am no longer part of this day. This day belongs to my childre and their dad period! No reason to take it personal. Let bigones be bigones, let it be none of my business and don’t let my ego get involved in this. Am I so self absorbed that it must always be about me me me! This is not the playground and it isn’t kids playing and they won’t let me play. It is my children going to spend time with their father, don’t read so much into it and go do something else with your day, I told myself!

Ok I had to get myself out of these blues, so I got dressed, called up my mother and said let’s go have Fathers Day’s together. She was gung Ho! So I did, had breakfast with my mom and kept myself busy.

BUT….I was a good sport and called my ex and wished him a Happy Father’s Day. We talked like friends for a few minutes and hung up. Wasn’t that grown up of me, I think so. Life goes on right?

CONTINUE TO TRUDGE DOWN THE ROAD…

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CONTINUE TO TRUDGE DOWN THE ROAD…

The day turned black for the sun was gone

The moon gleamed high in the sky

It was an honest coincidence that I was by his home

The eerie moon was a reminder

Of my lonely place awaiting me

Yet the comfort of our my old home

Was only a second from where I was

And he would be there

If I turned to the right I could reach him

And my loneliness could be gone

Now I know that I won this game

He would take me back for sure

If I turned left I would resume my independence

My pain, my healing, my grief, my growth

To the right I would be held, and comforted

I veered my car to the left and continued

I realized my comfort would be short lived if I turned to the right

And if I turned to the left, my growth would be forever

I must continue to trudge…

WHAT ARE YOU ATTRACTING IN YOUR LIFE?

 

WHAT ARE YOU ATTRACTING IN YOUR LIFE????

Today I looked at something I wrote a bit ago and thought, hmmm, this is a nice quote,

“You attract love if you love yourself, you attract respect if you respect yourself.”

Continue reading “WHAT ARE YOU ATTRACTING IN YOUR LIFE?”

NO MORE BEING DEPRESSED IN BED!!!

no more depressed in bed

I woke up and didn’t have to force myself to be happy, I just felt good. With time I am realizing that the moments of sadness are getting fewer and fewer.

When I was with my husband I could not get out of bed. My life was about sleeping my life away. Don’t feel. Don’t be conscious as much as I could. I would hit that snooze button over and over and over. Mornings were about how many more minutes could I squeeze in before I rush,rush,rush and not be late to work. So of course there would be no curling of hair, no proper application of make-up. It was throw anything on and out the door. My appearance was secondary to just get as much sleep as I could because honestly I did not want to wake up and face the world. The world was not a place I wanted to be. It was a miserable place, there was no joy, I found no motivation to do anything. Except for food, food was soothing.

So my days were about just stay awake until it was time to go unconscious again so I did not have to face the day again. Yeah I was clinically depressed and getting bigger than a house because I was eating everything. When I got off on Friday I went straight to bed and did not get up until Monday morning, true story. What has changed?

Now, I am like a kid at Christmas. I will go to sleep and I want night-time to hurry up and be over with so it could be morning and I could get up and play! Sometimes something must wake me up on accident maybe 2 hours or so after I have fallen asleep and it will be maybe 11:00 at night and I will look at the clock and I will be think, darn! I have to go back to bed. There are a so many times I have awaken up in the middle of the night, two a.m., three a.m. and I do that, darn, I have to go back to bed! Like a child rebelling about going to bed, only I have to be both parent and child, and scold myself to go back to bed.

Go to bed!
I’m not tired.
I don’t care go to bed anyways!
Can I have a drink of water, I’m thirsty?
No! You will pee the bed!

You get the drill. I want the sun to hurry up and get out of his bed so I can get out of my bed! I love my life now and I don’t want to spend my life in bed anymore. There is so much to do now and I have motivation to do it now that I don’t want to waste away like I was doing anymore. When did this happen, I don’t know the day, does it matter, I don’t think so, but it happened and it is still happening. From the most depressed person over a man, to the happiest most elated person over a life that elated me and tickles my fancy… don’t get me wrong, not every single minute.

Some days I have to push myself and remind myself that it is a decision to be the happiest person ever. It does not happen itself, I have to make it happen. Kinda like the concept, act as if and soon it becomes, oh how true it is. I remember one day I was so down and the tears were running down my face and I pushed myself to continue on through my routine as if nothing was happening. Go to the gym I told myself. I sat in my car and the tears would not stop. Finally I told myself, the hell with it I am going to walk in that gym, tears and all and just get on that treadmill and start my day and let this go away. It did and my tears went away and slowly my joy returned. My happiness has been a choice that has become naturally a part of my life now.

I made a promise to my daughter. When I wake up, I won’t crank up the music and dance around the house. She said it was like I was a five-year-old in a bouncy house. Yeah right, like they could keep up with me! She is not a morning person and requires complete quiet. She has had to remind me at three or four in the morning to please respect her because she is not a morning person and tone it down. FINE!!! Kill joy!!

This morning I woke up at 3:44 a.m., made my coffee and wrote a simple message on my Face Book, “I sit here with my cup of coffee and the beautiful sun yearns to wake. I realize my life is perfect for now. Gratefulness fills my heart!”

This says it all. Something so simple as sitting at my table drinking a cup of coffee in my apartment rejoicing in the morning makes me realize how good my life is. I am not a millionaire but I am able to pay all my bills without fail. My car is not a Mercedes-Benz, but it gets me from point A to B without fail. My health is great, my children are perfect, I have the best friends. I am not rich with money, I am rich in a better way, look at the wonderful things I mentioned. There are millionaires that are miserable, I would not trade places with them for anything in the world. Well unless I could be happy and have all that money… Hey just being honest here.

Every morning is like Christmas to me now. It is like, hurry up and start day, what great gifts will you bring me today, what adventures shall we have, who shall we play with today, what experiences will I have… GLORIOUS! GLORIOUS! GLORIOUS!

I NEEDED TO KNOW IF HE EVER LOVED ME!!!

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I NEEDED TO KNOW IF HE EVER LOVED ME…

I am questioning myself, am I a good person, am I a selfish person, definitely I am a vindicated person, but is it selfish to feel this vindication.

Flash back. Because all of you are sitting there thinking, what the heck is this crazy woman talking about. If you people have been following my crazy up and down blogs you see I go up and down and round and round. I feel good, I feel bad, I am as high as a mountain top singing, “Ain’t no mountain high enough!” or “Swing low sweet chariot!” I am one hot mess! On paper and in person.

I write bleeding heart poetry about the fact that my husband never loved me. Then I write motivational blasts about being past that because I love myself so much it doesn’t matter.

People, if you have been following me you will notice the one thing that always throws me off kilter is my resentment and that resentment at least one part of it is from the fact that I gave so much to this man and how could he so easily throw me away and never had loved me. My ego is bruised. I love him as a person but back then, oh my God I was a young precious girl so in love with a man that shoved and shoved me away. Behind that resentment is a lot of hurt, it hurts me still that he could not love that sweet precious girl because her love was pure and real and she would have and did anything and everything for him.

Fast forward to today. I called him a few days ago and I asked him point blank, “David, did you ever love me?” I am sorry, I had to know. Immediately I thought, how silly, he is going to say yes just to save my feelings. But what he said took my breath away.

“I am divorcing you to save your pension. If I am not legally attached to you, then they can’t make you responsible for my debt. I love you, I never stopped loving you. When this whole divorce is over we can talk about us again.”

That is when I knew in my gut that he was not lying. He loved me and he wanted me back. He was sincere about saving my pension. He was being a good person after all. BUT, I also knew it was too late for me, for us and I told him this. I told him that there could never be “us” ever again because of everything that happened. He said ok and he hung up.

So here I sit reflecting on all this. Ok I am going to be totally honest. I feel good right now. My ego has been rejuvenated and pumped up. I got the chance to tell him where to go. Of course in a very nice loving, adult way. But I feel like I needed this as part of my healing. That is sick isn’t it! Love me so I can tell you where to go!

That is not it. I needed to know that I did not live almost 30 years of a lie. I loved this man, and I needed to know that he loved me too. He was not good to me but he loved me too. That is all I needed to know. I can breathe a little easier now. I am sorry for having to cut him down like I did, I truly am because I truly love him as a human being and care about his feelings and wish the very best in his life. Wow I sound like a totally mature person….

Ok wait here is the test… Do I wish him the best with another woman? Maybe, BUT I DON’T THINK I AM READY TO SEE THEM IN PERSON!!!