SOMETIMES OUR MINDS ARE OUR WORST ENEMIES
Through my divorce I have come to learn so much about myself, what makes me tick, who I am. I have come to the conclusion that I am not Miss Superwoman. I am a work in process. Divorce is like death and I cannot expect to be healed in a few months. Yes it is an amicable divorce and my ex and I have decided to remain friends, but it is still the death of a life I knew for 29 years and the death of a future I thought was going to unfold into a certain way. I am blindsided as to what the future holds now and I feel like I am standing at the beginning of 10 roads not knowing where any one of then leads to whereas before I knew where my future was leading.
I started to date, that didn’t work out. Maybe it was too soon. It just added to my pain when that didn’t work out. I hadn’t healed from the pain of one and then to add more pain…not good. Then the mind starts to wander, is it me? My own mind started to become my worst enemy. Ok I ended it but maybe he wanted me to end it. Silliness! What is wrong with me? Am I unloveable? Who will love me?
Oh yeah take it from me, your brain can turn on you. It can start telling you a lot of negative things, and mine did just that. It told me I wasn’t pretty enough, my body wasn’t good enough, and it did not let up! It told me morning, noon and night. I fell into a depression.
You see what I learned about depression is that it is caused by living in past disappointments. Ruminating in them if you will. You go over and over in them in your head. Well if only I had did this, if only I had said that. We think if we could go back we could fix things but in reality all we are doing is sinking deeper and deeper into depression because we are so absorbed so long in negative thoughts and those negative thoughts are about us…think about it, how good are we going to feel if we do that.
Somehow I had to learn to pull myself out of the past and bring myself into the present. As soon as my mind wandered back to some wah wah moment, I caught myself and told myself…ok yeah that was pretty sad but let’s come back to the present. And boy do I have to do that A LOT. There is a special meditation on that kind of thinking called mindfulness. All I know is that I have to stop living in the past moment of my past love that only brings me grief and sadness because I miss him and come back to reality. I will think, oh look at the pretty flowers on my desk and focus on that to bring me out of it. Depression is a boogar but we can pull ourself out of it, it is really hard but we can do it.
Don’t listen to what your brain is saying about yourself unless it is saying, “Damn you are one hot MAMA!!”