Today is a new day!. Day before yesterday I walked into my exes house to find that I have been replaced now with a younger more beautiful woman and I turned around embarrassed, and broke down.
Two days later I woke up this morning and realized I had a nightmare about him and his beautiful replacement and realized I am haunted by this. I feel like I have PTSD…Post Traumatic Syndrome…am I being dramatic…probably…but come on give it to me.
I feel like I had been to war and seen the most gruesome debilitating vision and it has tainted my psyche forever…seeing another woman in the house where I was supposed to live forever with my husband. Now I am waking up with haunting dreams. It is something nobody should have to witness right? Somebody give me my Sponge Bob Square Pants Jammies with the feet in them and my teddy bear because I need something to soothe the owie in my heart AND MY BRAIN!!
Oh my God how do you shut that damn thing off from reinacting the scene over and over. Ok here I walked out. I wished I would have embarrassed him. Why didn’t I sat down and very cooly say something like, “Oh hello, you know woman to woman you need to know that I am the one who left him because of his bizarre sex acts and believe me he will be wanting to put soda bottles up his anus. I am telling this to you woman to woman because I wish someone would have warned me.”
Then look at him and tell him, “and stop calling me for the last time I will not sleep with you one last time!” and walk away.
Damn!!! I just think now of all these great ideas.
Worse…I started thinking….see he had testicular Cancer and it is remission and I thought, darn if it only woke up again and he died I could get the house and it would be mine and and….then I thought…wow…what an evil thought.
But alas…someone upstairs must have intervened because the solution came to me as I was driving. It was advice I had given so many others. It was so obvious that I was suffering from a raging horrible case of resentment.
That resentment was keeping the story alive in my head and making me have evil thoughts, making me have balls of anger in my stomach, making me sad, making me feel sorry for myself, making me feel he was a villain that should be gone from this Earth.
Somehow, someway I had to find it in me to forgive him and wish him well. Get over it and be happy for him…WHAT!!!
yes you heard right. It was the only way to kill the Cancer growing in my heart and brain and believe me it was growing. I needed to understand him as a human being and wish him happiness because I want peace. I was not doing this for him, this was for me. I could care less if he stubbed his baby toe on the corner and it split in two, but I didn’t want to live the way I was living or feel like I was feeling, not one day more.
So I prayed. Dear God, I wasn’t that happy with my husband at the end anyways. I forgive my husband for hurting me the way he did so that I could be released from this pain and be at peace and we can both find happiness even if it isn’t with each other.