LEARNING TO SLEEP ALONE
One of the hardest parts of learning to be alone was not having a body next to mine. Don’t get me wrong, there for a long time my husband and I were sleeping in the same bed and accidentally our feet would touch and it was like Kryptonite. I would recoil like it burned like acid. No, I didn’t want him, but I was craving human contact so I think I was subconsciously doing it in my sleep because I longed for that.
When I finally got my bed here in my apartment I would scoot all the way next to the wall and keep my body next to it all night. It was that feeling of having something next to me. See I grew up in a large family and there were so many kids we slept sideways on a full bed so we could all slept together. There were so many nights my sister Oli and I would go together holding each other tight. I am a very affectionate person. The human touch is something I miss. When I see people I am a hugger.
Nights were hard for me. I longed for a body next to me. I longed for someone to hold. I started joking I needed a teddy bear. Well guess what, for Christmas my daughter got me the biggest fluffiest sweetest looking teddy bear. You should have heard me squeal.. Let us remind us that I am a 48-year-old woman, not 4! He had a big red bow and black button eyes and so so huggeable! And yes that is what I did as the kids opened their gifts I sat there hugging it.
The oddest thing happened that night. I had to spend Christmas alone that night, sad huh? I should have tears in my pillows right? WRONG!!! I jumped in my Sponge Bog Jammies with footsies and turned on my heater and plopped in bed with my Ted and hugged him tight. Is this why children cry for their teddy bears, oh my God I was so comforted! Did I look like a weirdo, of course I did!! But the rewards and the sense of peace I felt were astonishing. I fell right to sleep.
I showed the FaceBook world my favorite gift and asked everyone to help me name him. What a response, but we came up with “Ted”. Wow that is a no brainer! He became popular among my friend.
I posted a picture of my Ted on the Toilet with a magazine on its lap and put a caption, “My damn roommate is getting on my last nerve, he needs to learn to close the door when he does his business!”
Everyone thought it was funny except for one male and he said that this was weird and enough of being single I needed a man.
What this person doesn’t realize this was a done out of humor, I am an eccentric playful person. If I have to hug a teddy bear while I heal and work on my defects of character and work on myself so that I don’t rush into another relationship that ends up not working out again then that is what needs to happen. I am in the process of working on self-love and having a man, just hurrying up and getting a man because really I have not found one that I felt a connection with. So to me I would be settling. Catalina needs to learn to limp before she can walk and learn to walk before she can run. So my Ted is like a prosthetic just for comfort. No I am not dry humping it at night, no I am not making out with it and telling it to tell me to love me. IT IS FOR COMFORT ONLY !!!!
You know I have to give it to myself, there is a big part of me that doesn’t care what other people think, I have an inner child that I let out that helps me be playful and that brings out my happiness, thus having jammies with footsies and teddy bears! You know I account much of my healing on having the healthiest inner child out of anyone I know. I have no shame and will do a cart-wheel in a mall, climb a tree, I love blowing bubbles, dressing up like a cheerleader and going to work. My coworkers think I am crazy but love my spirit. I see it as my inner child that loves to come out and play play play! Go ahead dare me to do anything, you won’t even have to double dog dare me, I will do it anyways!
What prompted me to write this was I was watching an episode of Leave it to Beaver and Ward Clever tells the boys, “You are never too old to do goofy stuff.” What a concept. I loved that. True happiness is allowing your inner child out to play and I am blessed, in fact I have to tell my inner child, “Alright already get back in, I gotta get some work done already!”
So no I don’t need to kick Ted in the trash and hook up with some dude and burn my Sponge Bob jammies and start wearing kinky lingerie, I am not rushing anything, and I am perfectly normal!
Gee look at the time….Where is Ted, ahhh just where I left him…in bed waiting for me. Sweet dreams…