THIS INDEPENDANT WOMAN JUST WANTS TO REST….

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MY WEARY BODY….

I am having a mini meltdown but I have to allow myself to have this. I have to let it out of my system so it doesn’t bottle up and then I need to dry my eyes, roll up my sleeves and get back to work.

But for now I have to admit my weariness. I have for the most part made it through the hardest part and that of course was the emotional pain of losing my life partner, regardless if it was never a dance in the park, it was still the death a relationship to someone I love and felt a very strong bond towards.  Fine.  You say what is the problem, why you whining you say?

I went out with my friends to the Renaissance Faire this weekend and I had a GREAT time that is the problem. We dressed like peasants from the medieval days and there was a point where we had just finished our Roast Beef sandwiches and we sat there on a bench and there was a cool breeze and I was sitting on a park bench drinking in the kaleidoscope of costumes, performers, personalities.  Maybe I was even taken back in time to a period when you didn’t need electronics, Face Book, phones, t.v. to be entertained.  Things were simpler and there was not a lot of rush, you had time to wait for bread to bake, people sat on their courts and talked.  People were sitting on the grass enjoying each other and others.  It was all about watching the people going by, what were they wearing and what they were doing. Yeah, it was about being nosy and not minding out own business.  We were into what was going on around us and everyone that was in it. The parade didn’t have to have lights or big floats, just people walking, chanting, beating on drums in costume to catch our full attention.  The queen in all her glory caught our complete awe.  This is what I experienced.  There was a long period where none of us spoke, we didn’t need to, there was this serene moment where I became part of the environment.

And then in a flash it was gone, the fair was going to close, it was time to go home, get ready for work the next day. I had to go to the dentist and be told that from stress I was slowly crushing the structure of my jaw.  It wasn’t tooth erosion.  I had broken a tooth root but no extraction because that is how you slowly lose your teeth.  I will deal with the pain, leave it in.  As long as no infection comes about, my dentist told me he would leave it in.

The grinding is from my stress of working two jobs thinking about …. No I take it back…NEEDING to be an independent woman who takes care of herself. My dentist wants to talk to my medical doctor to see what he can give me to bring down my stress.

So now I think of my wonderful weekend of leisure. Do I give up my job and my apartment and rent a room and lose much of my independence?  Live with somebody???    It will be their house, their rules?  Oh my it is starting to feel like I am living with my parents.

Rent is very expensive in California and moving is not an option because I have children, family and friends that make my world go round.  I cannot leave anyone behind.  I will have free time to have leisure and no one to spend it with.  I will truly go crazy.

So I guess I will continue my working 7 days a week because I need my apartment. And I will play hooky now and then to be able and breathe and release.  I do feel a little better.  Now I better get to work.  Hi Ho Hi Ho…

 

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FINDING MYSELF!!!

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Anyone that has went through or going through a break up or divorce has to admit that there were some signs.  Most of us had those signs of unhappiness.  Can you claim, why did he leave you because you were so happy with him and now you are not.  I will give you that you may not be happy now but were you truly happy with him right before.  Think about it.  If you were the one left and you knew he was not happy, could you really be bouncing around the house feeling on top of the world being in a marriage knowing your mate is miserable with you?

My husband used that on me, he told me that I was not happy anyways.  Uh yeah of course not because I knew you didn’t really want me and how the hell am I supposed to be happy you dimwit!  Jeez.  But let’s not throw stones.  Let’s leave the part out.  No I was not happy for a long time.  He was not the man to make me happy.

For one big thing, I could not be “me” with him.  See I have a great inner child that he didn’t like too much.  He was always telling me to act like an adult.  Grow up, be mature, stop playing around so much, close the door, do the dishes, brush my hair, am I going to wear that?,

Or there would be the questions, who left the door open, who left the t.v. on?  Who was the last one in the bathroom and forgot to turn off the light?  This was all day long.  He followed me and watched and looked for things I would do wrong.  Decorating the house for Christmas or Halloween would be a big lecture, we were just making a big mess.  Everything was a put-down or criticism to me and the kids.  We would ask to play a board game with us, yeah right, that is dumb.  The kids wanted to have a sleep over in the station wagon and pretend we were homeless so we did, omg what is wrong with you are you crazy, get the kids in the house, what will the neighbors say.

It became a going thing, “Oh shit, dads home!” friends would leave, everyone looked around the house to see what was out-of-order.  Wow I am thinking now.  Life really sucked!  But anyways…

I wasn’t free to be me.  He didn’t like me.  Catalina was a mess.  She joked too much, life was a game to her, board games juvenile, silliness all silliness, I loved dancing, he loved drinking,, I loved a house full of laughing playing kids, he wanted silence….everything I did got on his nerves.

Oh I tried to be who he wanted.  I would clean the house spotless and he would blow it because I forgot the trash.

So no, I was not happy but I did not know the extent of my unhappiness.  I did not know that this stifling and condemning me the person, the tearing at me personally was ripping at the core of who I was and what I felt about myself.  I started to let myself go and I gained a lot of weight.  I slept if I was not working.  My inner child became locked up inside more and more to the point where she never came out and all sense of play in me died.  I became very depressed.

I gave up asking for his time and let him go do his thing and just stayed in bed.

I was watching the cute Disney movie “Frozen” this weekend when the young queen escapes the confines of her castle and runs into the mountains to her freedom away from what is expected of her and she is finally able to use her so-called “curse” which makes everything into ice, freely and feels invigorated and empowered for the first time in her life.  She blasts a sexy ice dress on herself and flings this sexy flowing hair and builds this castle just throwing out her arms freely releasing who she really is, the ice queen as she belts out the song, “Let it Go!”

As I watched it I sat up and had this big smile on my face.  OMG I am my person now.  Nobody tells me what to do or how to do it or tears me down, nobody tries to make me who I am anymore.  He never liked who I was, eccentric, quirky, but that is who I am and I am free to be who I am now.  If somebody doesn’t like how I am, too bad, I don’t change my essence for nobody!!!  I like me today, I LOVE ME TODAY!!!  I am letting go the need to be who anyone wants me to be, especially that man who used to be my husband!!

My eyes are open now.  He did me a favor leaving me because how was I ever supposed to work on me when I was never allowed to be me.  Every woman should see the animated movie, “Frozen”, what a cute inspiring movie.  I leave you with the song….

 

WILL YOU EVER FEEL LIKE A STRANGER TO ME?

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I can remember being in so much pain, I can remember seeing no end to the pain. I would think, ok let today be a day I don’t think of you….shit! I didn’t even last a half hour. The tears in the pillows, the breaking down at work and pretending that everything is ok. Songs would come on the radio and I would have to change them because I would think of you. Everything reminded me of you. They say throw everything away that reminds me of you so I did. I even gave away the diamond necklace you gave me. It will be fine they say, time heals all they say…

They say! They say! They all have something to say but nobody can tell me anything to take the pain away! What will become of me? What will I do with a life without you?

Time went by and I forced one foot in front of the other and continued to live my life through my pain and then today I turned on the radio and this song came on, the words flooded my car…”Now you’re just some stranger that I used to know…”

I remember I couldn’t listen to this song because I thought this could never be me, but it was now. Gee when was the last time I thought of you? A long time. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Wow, you know what, no disrespect, but my heart isn’t breaking anymore. Gee, now you really are just a person I used to know…. Someone that doesn’t cause me pain anymore…I like that!

I have inserted the music video for your listening pleasure…I love this song now!!!!

 

I NEEDED HIM TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!!!!

 

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Some guy came on to me today and honey let me tell you he was hot hot.  Total eye candy and I am sure, another kind of candy.  I have my shares of propositions and requests for dates and somehow it just doesn’t work out.  But this guy was tall, handsome, well dressed…he had it all.  He approached me and the way he started talking I knew right away….Player.  He had that “Rico Suave” personality.  He made it very obvious as he looked me up and down and tilted his head and said, “Hey sexy”  Say Whuuut!!! Did I have “Ho” written on my forehead?  I looked at him and put the gas cap back on my car, got in and drove away.

But this isn’t about being treated like a piece of beef.  I can remember wanting to thank some gardeners that drove by and honked at me because I was starving for that assurance so a few months back I would have probably been in some motel room with this Rico Suave.  A few years ago I was starving for my husband to tell me I was pretty, that he loved me, that he appreciated me.  My emotional tank was empty and I blamed it all on my husband because he never showed me love.  Oh how I would beg him to tell me, and of course when he wouldn’t, that would make me feel more depleted than ever. I had a void that I could not feel and it was in the pit of my stomach.  I swear I could feel it when I would cry, it felt so hollow in there.

It was no wonder that I jumped into a relationship so fast because he was saying all the things I needed to hear, words like “love” and “beautiful”.  I was drinking it up.  But what was funny was that he could tell me a million times and I was like a pool with a hole in it.  That relationship obviously didn’t work.

Truthfully I have spent my whole life blaming my husband for being a horrible person because all I wanted was him to show me he loved me.  In my eyes life would have been so much different.  If he could have just showed me love I would have felt better about myself and the would have been full of unicorns and rainbows don’t you know…NOT!

My pool WAS full of holes.  Or rather my tank was empty, bone dry empty.  That lack of love I had for myself made me insecure, jealous, miserable, needy…doesn’t sound like a fun person to be mated with does it.  So after my unsuccessful relationship after my husband, I decided to stay solo, actually it was recommended.

This is when I discovered I have used men as a fix my whole life, to make me feel better because I couldn’t make myself feel better.  I am addicted to love.  When I had no man to focus on, WOW, my marriage that I thought I was doing great getting over all of a sudden was not so easy getting over.  All of a sudden it felt like someone was dying, it was kind of the truth.  My marriage died and I never mourned it because I jumped into another relationship to kill the pain like an alcoholic grabs a bottle to numb his pain.

But without the booze, that alcoholic is going to feel every pain and that is exactly what I did, but that is exactly what I needed to do.  For the first time since we broke up, a year and a half before, I broke down over my marriage.  I was not the Super Woman that I thought I was.  With no man to take my focus off my husband, I realized I was going to miss him dearly.  I spent many a night crying.  I was breaking down at work, in the car.  Everywhere,.  It was controlling me but I had to let it out of my system.

That pain that I experienced was that pain in the hollow in my stomach, it felt so empty.  No teddy bear could  take it away, some days I got extra scary bad but I trudged.  But I stayed single and I started meditating and looking at why did I have such low self-esteem.  No man was going to make me happy, nor would I make any man happy until I figured out where this non-self love was coming from.

I was looking deep within myself for an answer and fast forward to the day when that hot hot guy came on to me.  I thought, who the hell does this guy think I am.  A miracle happened, I don’t know when this happened, how this happened but as I was driving I thought…I have no void.  That empty hollow feeling is gone.  I pulled the rear view mirror at myself and looked deep into my eyes.  “I love you”, I said…I waited for a reaction of a cringe…there wasn’t one.  Opposite, I liked how I felt when I said it.  I had to pull over and text my friend telling her MY VOID IS GONE!!!

People, I had this void since I was a little girl, I can’t remember anytime in my life when I didn’t feel that void.  All because I taught myself how to not expect love and approval from other but instead give it to myself.  This came from books I read from Louise Hay and Eckart Tolle.

I am on my way to a better world and like a car with a full tank of gas.  With this full tank, I am going to see the world!!!!!

PEACE OF MIND…PEACE IN YOUR HEART

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I can be on the treadmill and close my eyes and reach a point of stillness, of silence and drown out the clinging of the weights, the booming of the music.  A place of peace and serenity. A place I never have been before.

A year and a half ago I was forced out of the house I was living with my husband because my mother-in-law owned the house.  A couple months before my husband had already asked me for a divorce and I was sleeping on the couch.  I knew the marriage was over, I think, I wasn’t sure.  I mean we have said it a million times before and it never happened so I think in the back of my head it might have been a hollow threat.

“Sure you want a divorce, fine I will give you one!”

But in the back of my head I thought maybe we would get back together when his mother would die.  She was dying of terminal Cancer and she and my daughters’ fighting was one of the reasons we were fighting..  Guess what he offered.  He told me he had an extra room because after my daughter moved out he didn’t want me to live by myself.

Ok let’s think about that.  That sounds like roommate talk no?  Then I find out he has a girlfriend.  Ok this is becoming more real.  Now I find out he doesn’t want me back anymore.

Now let’s get this straight, I would never ever go back to him.  I know he will never ever make me happy.  This is not the issue.  I am a sick puppy here because listen to what the issue is.

I wanted him to be in that big house all by himself, so depressed and cursing the day he ever let me go.  I wanted him to ask me to come home as a wife and me tell him, no you hurt me and I never want you back.  I wanted him to apologize for what he did.  I wanted him to realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Guess what people.  He moved on and didn’t look back.  The girls really like him, he has a big house because of his mother leaving it to him so he has something to offer. Whew. Well that Karma didn’t quite work out like I wanted it to and I have a lot of work to do on myself on getting over this resentment that I have on things not being fair. Because in the scheme of life I will make my life happy. Life with him was not supposed to be and that pain was not for nothing, feel it and let it go…let it go! My time will come because I am a good person. But the most important thing of all. Don’t obsess over him because it is none of my business what life deals him, good or bad, it just is out of my control whether he becomes a bum or a millionaire. That is too much energy spent on him. If I could spend that much energy spent on myself, I could turn that negative energy into positive energy and do something useful to bring myself up.

So this is my main focus in my life right now, dealing with my resentments and learning to let them go. Not let my ex live in my head rent free. I am learning some pretty cool meditation tools to learn to still my mind for that endless chatter and it is helpful.

So if you are dealing with anger and it is eating you up, you have some forgiveness you have to work on because it will eat you alive.

When I think he has a house and a girlfriend, I remind myself, yeah but I have a mom that is still alive, and man I would rather have my mom more than any man or any house. It is all in how you see things.

Peace be with me…Peace be with you and may all our resentments leave us so we may live in serenity and have peace in our hearts….that isn’t asking too much is it?

WANTED…A PRINCE….FOR A PRINCESS!!! TRUE STORY!!!

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“WANTED…A PRINCE, FOR A PRINCESS…”

I watched this movie called Labor Day and it is about a wife who got left by her husband because she was in love with love, her heads were in the clouds about love.  She wanted to dance and be held and feel alive with a man but later on in the movie because the husband left, he apologizes to their son for leaving his mother.  He tells him that his mother was a beautiful woman but he just couldn’t give her that special love she needed.  So happens a prisoner takes them hostage one Labor Day weekend and they fall in love…I know, I know farfetched but oh so beautiful and romantic the way taught her to squish those peaches to make peach pies…hmmmm.

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