Some guy came on to me today and honey let me tell you he was hot hot. Total eye candy and I am sure, another kind of candy. I have my shares of propositions and requests for dates and somehow it just doesn’t work out. But this guy was tall, handsome, well dressed…he had it all. He approached me and the way he started talking I knew right away….Player. He had that “Rico Suave” personality. He made it very obvious as he looked me up and down and tilted his head and said, “Hey sexy” Say Whuuut!!! Did I have “Ho” written on my forehead? I looked at him and put the gas cap back on my car, got in and drove away.
But this isn’t about being treated like a piece of beef. I can remember wanting to thank some gardeners that drove by and honked at me because I was starving for that assurance so a few months back I would have probably been in some motel room with this Rico Suave. A few years ago I was starving for my husband to tell me I was pretty, that he loved me, that he appreciated me. My emotional tank was empty and I blamed it all on my husband because he never showed me love. Oh how I would beg him to tell me, and of course when he wouldn’t, that would make me feel more depleted than ever. I had a void that I could not feel and it was in the pit of my stomach. I swear I could feel it when I would cry, it felt so hollow in there.
It was no wonder that I jumped into a relationship so fast because he was saying all the things I needed to hear, words like “love” and “beautiful”. I was drinking it up. But what was funny was that he could tell me a million times and I was like a pool with a hole in it. That relationship obviously didn’t work.
Truthfully I have spent my whole life blaming my husband for being a horrible person because all I wanted was him to show me he loved me. In my eyes life would have been so much different. If he could have just showed me love I would have felt better about myself and the would have been full of unicorns and rainbows don’t you know…NOT!
My pool WAS full of holes. Or rather my tank was empty, bone dry empty. That lack of love I had for myself made me insecure, jealous, miserable, needy…doesn’t sound like a fun person to be mated with does it. So after my unsuccessful relationship after my husband, I decided to stay solo, actually it was recommended.
This is when I discovered I have used men as a fix my whole life, to make me feel better because I couldn’t make myself feel better. I am addicted to love. When I had no man to focus on, WOW, my marriage that I thought I was doing great getting over all of a sudden was not so easy getting over. All of a sudden it felt like someone was dying, it was kind of the truth. My marriage died and I never mourned it because I jumped into another relationship to kill the pain like an alcoholic grabs a bottle to numb his pain.
But without the booze, that alcoholic is going to feel every pain and that is exactly what I did, but that is exactly what I needed to do. For the first time since we broke up, a year and a half before, I broke down over my marriage. I was not the Super Woman that I thought I was. With no man to take my focus off my husband, I realized I was going to miss him dearly. I spent many a night crying. I was breaking down at work, in the car. Everywhere,. It was controlling me but I had to let it out of my system.
That pain that I experienced was that pain in the hollow in my stomach, it felt so empty. No teddy bear could take it away, some days I got extra scary bad but I trudged. But I stayed single and I started meditating and looking at why did I have such low self-esteem. No man was going to make me happy, nor would I make any man happy until I figured out where this non-self love was coming from.
I was looking deep within myself for an answer and fast forward to the day when that hot hot guy came on to me. I thought, who the hell does this guy think I am. A miracle happened, I don’t know when this happened, how this happened but as I was driving I thought…I have no void. That empty hollow feeling is gone. I pulled the rear view mirror at myself and looked deep into my eyes. “I love you”, I said…I waited for a reaction of a cringe…there wasn’t one. Opposite, I liked how I felt when I said it. I had to pull over and text my friend telling her MY VOID IS GONE!!!
People I had this void since I was a little girl, I can’t remember anytime in my life when I didn’t feel that void. All because I taught myself how to not expect love and approval from other but instead give it to myself. This came from books I read from Louise Hay and Eckart Tolle.
I am on my way to a better world and like a car with a full tank of gas. With this full tank, I am going to see the world!!!!!