I can be on the treadmill and close my eyes and reach a point of stillness, of silence and drown out the clinging of the weights, the booming of the music. A place of peace and serenity. A place I never have been before.
A year and a half ago I was forced out of the house I was living with my husband because my mother-in-law owned the house. A couple months before my husband had already asked me for a divorce and I was sleeping on the couch. I knew the marriage was over, I think, I wasn’t sure. I mean we have said it a million times before and it never happened so I think in the back of my head it might have been a hollow threat with it being real vocally. “Sure you want a divorce, fine I will give you one!”
But in the back of my head I kinda thought maybe we would get back together when his mother would die. She was dying of terminal Cancer and she and my daughters fighting was one of the reasons we were fighting.. Guess what he offered. He told me he had an extra room because after my daughter moved out he didn’t want me to live on the street I was on alone.
Ok let’s think about that. That sounds like roommate talk no? Then I find out he has a girlfriend. Ok this is becoming more real. Now I find out he doesn’t want me back anymore.
Now let’s get this straight, I would never ever go back to him. I know he will never ever make me happy. This is not the issue. I am a sick puppy here because listen to what the issue is.
I wanted him to be in that big house all by himself, so depressed and cursing the day he ever let me go. I wanted him to ask me to come home as a wife and me tell him, no you hurt me and I never want you back. I wanted him to apologize for what he did. I wanted him to realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Guess what people. He moved on and didn’t look back. The girls really like him, he has a big house because of his mother leaving it to him so he has something to offer. Whew. Well that Karma didn’t quite work out like I wanted it to and I have a lot of work to do on myself on getting over this resentment that I have on things not being fair. Because in the scheme of life I will make my life happy. Life with him was not supposed to be and that pain was not for nothing, feel it and let it go…let it go! My time will come because I am a good person. But the most important thing of all. Don’t obsess over him because it is none of my business what life deals him, good or bad, it just is out of my control whether he becomes a bum or a millionaire. That is too much energy spent on him. If I could spend that much energy spent on myself, I could turn that negative energy into positive energy and do something useful to bring myself up.
So this is my main focus in my life right now, dealing with my resentments and learning to let them go. Not let my ex live in my head rent free. I am learning some pretty cool meditation tools to learn to still my mind for that endless chatter and it is helpful.
So if you are dealing with anger and it is eating you up, you have some forgiveness you have to work on because it will eat you alive.
When I think he has a house and a girlfriend, I remind myself, yeah but I have a mom that is still alive, and man I would rather have my mom more than any man or any house. It is all in how you see things.
Peace be with me…Peace be with you and may all our resentments leave us so we may live in serenity and have peace in our hearts….that isn’t asking too much is it?