FINDING MYSELF!!!


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Anyone that has went through or going through a break up or divorce has to admit that there were some signs.  Most of us had those signs of unhappiness.  Can you claim, why did he leave you because you were so happy with him and now you are not.  I will give you that you may not be happy now but were you truly happy with him right before.  Think about it.  If you were the one left and you knew he was not happy, could you really be bouncing around the house feeling on top of the world being in a marriage knowing your mate is miserable with you?

My husband used that on me, he told me that I was not happy anyways.  Uh yeah of course not because I knew you didn’t really want me and how the hell am I supposed to be happy you dimwit!  Jeez.  But let’s not throw stones.  Let’s leave the part out.  No I was not happy for a long time.  He was not the man to make me happy.

For one big thing, I could not be “me” with him.  See I have a great inner child that he didn’t like too much.  He was always telling me to act like an adult.  Grow up, be mature, stop playing around so much, close the door, do the dishes, brush my hair, am I going to wear that?,

Or there would be the questions, who left the door open, who left the t.v. on?  Who was the last one in the bathroom and forgot to turn off the light?  This was all day long.  He followed me and watched and looked for things I would do wrong.  Decorating the house for Christmas or Halloween would be a big lecture, we were just making a big mess.  Everything was a put-down or criticism to me and the kids.  We would ask to play a board game with us, yeah right, that is dumb.  The kids wanted to have a sleep over in the station wagon and pretend we were homeless so we did, omg what is wrong with you are you crazy, get the kids in the house, what will the neighbors say.

It became a going thing, “Oh shit, dads home!” friends would leave, everyone looked around the house to see what was out-of-order.  Wow I am thinking now.  Life really sucked!  But anyways…

I wasn’t free to be me.  He didn’t like me.  Catalina was a mess.  She joked too much, life was a game to her, board games juvenile, silliness all silliness, I loved dancing, he loved drinking,, I loved a house full of laughing playing kids, he wanted silence….everything I did got on his nerves.

Oh I tried to be who he wanted.  I would clean the house spotless and he would blow it because I forgot the trash.

So no, I was not happy but I did not know the extent of my unhappiness.  I did not know that this stifling and condemning me the person, the tearing at me personally was ripping at the core of who I was and what I felt about myself.  I started to let myself go and I gained a lot of weight.  I slept if I was not working.  My inner child became locked up inside more and more to the point where she never came out and all sense of play in me died.  I became very depressed.

I gave up asking for his time and let him go do his thing and just stayed in bed.

I was watching the cute Disney movie “Frozen” this weekend when the young queen escapes the confines of her castle and runs into the mountains to her freedom away from what is expected of her and she is finally able to use her so-called “curse” which makes everything into ice, freely and feels invigorated and empowered for the first time in her life.  She blasts a sexy ice dress on herself and flings this sexy flowing hair and builds this castle just throwing out her arms freely releasing who she really is, the ice queen as she belts out the song, “Let it Go!”

As I watched it I sat up and had this big smile on my face.  OMG I am my person now.  Nobody tells me what to do or how to do it or tears me down, nobody tries to make me who I am anymore.  He never liked who I was, eccentric, quirky, but that is who I am and I am free to be who I am now.  If somebody doesn’t like how I am, too bad, I don’t change my essence for nobody!!!  I like me today, I LOVE ME TODAY!!!  I am letting go the need to be who anyone wants me to be, especially that man who used to be my husband!!

My eyes are open now.  He did me a favor leaving me because how was I ever supposed to work on me when I was never allowed to be me.  Every woman should see the animated movie, “Frozen”, what a cute inspiring movie.  I leave you with the song….

 

8 thoughts on “FINDING MYSELF!!!

  1. Dear Catalina, are not our lives so full of mirrors? It made me happy reading your post. I am the ‘child’ in my almost-done marriage. I love cartoons, sketches, games and have very little reservations in these matters. But I am also the one who keeps everything organised, knows where all the papers are and throws out food that’s been in the fridge one too many days. And I did exactly what your ex did. No matter how she tried, Nana could do no right in housekeeping. I believed she nearly killed herself trying. I only know this because in the last months since we’ve split rooms, hers has become a war-torn zone. Like a 15 year old lived there. Unwashed laundry, half eaten food, cups etc etc. I told her recently in our conversation about this, I look forward to being with someone who would nag at me, with someone ‘organised’ enough for me to relax, so I know if there was a bill, someone else would also remember it and not just me and all the stress involved. I’m looking forward to finding myself now. I wasn’t always sure who that was but I have a better idea now. And yes ‘Frozen’ rawks!

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    • I LOVE YOU!!!!! OMG that is one of the best comments ever!!! You are a lovely person and I wish you a person with OCD in your future.. One that follows you with Lysol wipes cleaning everything you touch….lol Please pray for a slob in mine, one with good hygiene and isn’t the nasty filthy dirty kind. One like me that just don’t put things back where they belong and wants to play board games and build things with play-doh!!! That would truly be my love!!!

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  2. Reblogged this on 1000daysoflove and commented:
    Just read this post and thought how funny that our relationships all seem to fall into stereotypes and the problems of loving together and getting along. Do you know that Nana is such a poor listener in our relationship that she doesn’t even know the name of my assistant? Whom I work with everyday? I know this for a fact as it came out during one of our counselling sessions and I asked her, ‘What’s her name?’ Nana never means any harm but hey, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. ‘I was going to put it away’ (after a week and 2 reminders) is not a valid argument. Anyway, check this post out.

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