MY WEARY BODY….
I am having a mini meltdown but I have to allow myself to have this. I have to let it out of my system so it doesn’t bottle up and then I need to dry my eyes, roll up my sleeves and get back to work.
But for now I have to admit my weariness. I have for the most part made it through the hardest part and that of course was the emotional pain of losing my life partner, regardless if it was never a dance in the park, it was still the death a relationship to someone I love and felt a very strong bond towards. Fine. You say what is the problem, why you whining you say?
I went out with my friends to the Renaissance Faire this weekend and I had a GREAT time that is the problem. We dressed like peasants from the medieval days and there was a point where we had just finished our Roast Beef sandwiches and we sat there on a bench and there was a cool breeze and I was sitting on a park bench drinking in the kaleidoscope of costumes, performers, personalities. Maybe I was even taken back in time to a period when you didn’t need electronics, Face Book, phones, t.v. to be entertained. Things were simpler and there was not a lot of rush, you had time to wait for bread to bake, people sat on their courts and talked. People were sitting on the grass enjoying each other and others. It was all about watching the people going by, what were they wearing and what they were doing. Yeah, it was about being nosy and not minding out own business. We were into what was going on around us and everyone that was in it. The parade didn’t have to have lights or big floats, just people walking, chanting, beating on drums in costume to catch our full attention. The queen in all her glory caught our complete awe. This is what I experienced. There was a long period where none of us spoke, we didn’t need to, there was this serene moment where I became part of the environment.
And then in a flash it was gone, the fair was going to close, it was time to go home, get ready for work the next day. I had to go to the dentist and be told that from stress I was slowly crushing the structure of my jaw. It wasn’t tooth erosion. I had broken a tooth root but no extraction because that is how you slowly lose your teeth. I will deal with the pain, leave it in. As long as no infection comes about, my dentist told me he would leave it in.
The grinding is from my stress of working two jobs thinking about …. No I take it back…NEEDING to be an independent woman who takes care of herself. My dentist wants to talk to my medical doctor to see what he can give me to bring down my stress.
So now I think of my wonderful weekend of leisure. Do I give up my job and my apartment and rent a room and lose much of my independence? Live with somebody??? It will be their house, their rules? Oh my it is starting to feel like I am living with my parents.
Rent is very expensive in California and moving is not an option because I have children, family and friends that make my world go round. I cannot leave anyone behind. I will have free time to have leisure and no one to spend it with. I will truly go crazy.
So I guess I will continue my working 7 days a week because I need my apartment. And I will play hooky now and then to be able and breathe and release. I do feel a little better. Now I better get to work. Hi Ho Hi Ho…