GOD IS STILL WORKING ON ME
To the single women out there, are you like me and your focus is where are all the single men. Are you thinking you know what will make you whole again…a real nice man? Really? I am laying here thinking so very different little by little every day. Don’t get me wrong I backslide a lot. That loneliness is a mo fo. Sitting in an apartment alone, is a mutha! I get up off the couch… I go to the refridgerator… I look then, I close it… I walk in my bedroom and look in there…what am I looking for. I go in the bathroom, do I need to go? Not really. What the hell I will go just a little just for something to do. I have bought crafts that sit in the bag. I leave and go get food and there it sits in the fridge because I really wasn’t hungry.
I don’t know what to do with myself because I am bored and don’t know what to do with myself. But I picked up a book and started reading and started looking within and thought, do I really feel ready for a relationship? I am bothered, it isn’t just about having someone to entertain me anymore, it is deeper than that. There is something deep inside of me that is trying to tell me something about me. Like a purpose maybe. Like men need to not take my focus now. But I won’t be able to truly grasp what it is because I am so focused on loneliness and whining that I can’t focus on this deeper meaning that I am supposed to be working on myself. We all have a calling or purpose in this life. Love is wonderful, romance is beautiful. There is a reason a man has not shown up in my life now and I need to become aware of that and accept that as a part of a plan not a curse. Men are not our universe, they are yummy frosting on the cake but they are not the cake…I need to focus on the cake…and so let me start working on finding what ingredients I need for my cake. Why am I looking for frosting when I don’t even have cake yet??? Right now God is still working on me now… and if I really get my stuff together…I may even be able to put a cherry on top…woo hoo bet that will be real yummy!!!
let the past go…
this is a journey I was meant to have….
Throw the Past Away
“I made the decision to move to a smaller place…much smaller”, let me repeat the most important part, “I made the decision…” I am no longer a child. Mother no longer tells me when to go to bed, what to eat, or where to live. My daughter moved out of our two bedroom apartment and I found myself paying a lot of money for an apartment that I found myself just sleeping in. It felt like I was throwing money in the wind.
So why is it that packing is such torment to me. I start and watch television or pick up my Face Book or do something unnecessary. I actually sat there and read an article on how to pack. Come on Catalina, just stop thinking and do it! Nobody can help me because nobody knows what I want to keep, give away or toss, the part of sorting belongs to me. When it comes to moving will be when I need the help.
Guess what. I found out something about myself. I have accumulated a lot of nothing, of knick-knacks that were useful for one time. Pink beads that I was going to blind a sweater with, I don’t even own a pink sweater. Lots and lots and lots of Valentine day ribbon, Ok I have ribbons for the next 20 Valentine days. Gee I have been single for 2 ½ years so far, this may last me a long time.
Could this move have been a unconscious plan that was necessary, because I was starting to live in clutter. I am a shopaholic and will buy the silliest things. I spent $100 on Halloween decorations for my desk and now have 3 huge bins and need to find a place to store them and I have to downsize and supposed to be saving money. What is wrong with me.
This move is a higher calling. I am torn, I am emotional but this is necessary for me. During this process I will be looking at my belongings and realize item by item…is this necessary in your life or is this something from your past that you need to let go because it has lost its purpose. Let the past go. Earrings that someone gave me that have no match that I can not wear ever but I hold on because why. Why am I holding on to it. I don’t know. A bottle of champagne from my anniversary 8 years ago that my husband and I went to the Madonna in and my husband slept the time and neither of us drink. We are no longer together. Why am I holding on to this. Do I hold on to pictures of he and I together:? I don’t know. I don’t know how to do any of this. Am I a hoarder? I know you can walk through my house and it isn’t a path you need a compass with and you don’t need giant bins to clear it out and there isn’t feces everywhere.
But this hurts to let go part of me as trivial as it sounds, what does this mean, I don’t know. It means that this is a journey I was meant to have. Out with the old. Let go of it. The past is the past and that one earring means nothing and that bottle of champagne does nothing but remind me of what a horrible anniversary I had. It is time to throw out all those bad memories and start afresh. Is that why I am finding dimes Oh Lord? I am on the right path aren’t I? Ok I will stop fighting this move and see this as a positive thing. Today will be a productive day and tossing doesn’t mean tossing my soul, it is making room for much more experiences… Tah Dah… Marvelous how we can turn things around in our head just like that if we try!!! Have a blessed day!!
I wish when he gets up early in the morning half asleep, he bumps his baby toe into the corner of the wall and cracks the nail right in half so hard it has him bouncing around cussing every “F”, “B” word in the book! Now that is the nicest thing I wish would happen to my ex. Honey a scorned woman is not to be messed with because we get pretty mad and our thoughts can get pretty wild. Not to mention when someone mentions his name, I am real quick to throw in a few colorful “screw hims” and what not.
Continue reading “I WILL SEND NO MORE NEGATIVE VIBES TO HIM”