COME ON PAIN!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!!

COME ON PAIN!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!

In my life I have learned that you cannot make someone feel what you want them to feel for you.  I have also learned that when you don’t seem to get the message they can get mean and inhumane about you pursuing them.  Move on girls.  When they don’t want you they don’t want you.  Damn it hurts, but we have to cut that tie.  Just like that old cliche’ goes. They are just not into us anymore…

I used to wonder why was I given such a horrible man who causes me so much pain.  I am such a good loving wife.  I would follow him to the ends of the Earth.  No one will love him like I do, why does he hurt me so.  I endured this pain for 29 years and I am not going to lie, I still struggle with the thought of losing him.  I fight with thinking he is the most horrible man on the Earth for not treating me like a queen for loving him so much and treating me so bad and being with another woman now.  Really?

What if a man, any man, is placed in front of me and I am told, “Love this man!  Adore him!  Cherish the ground he walks on!”  And I look at this guy and I feel nothing, I mean really it is not my fault, I try but the sparks are just not there.  Is it my fault that I cannot put my arms around this dude and stick my tongue in his ear?  Ewwww, of course not.

It is in a way the same as someone who falls out of love.  It happens through no fault of their own, but all of a sudden they just don’t feel that spark so if you put yourself in their shoes, yikes, that is a lot of pressure.  I know, I know we don’t have a lot of sympathy for the other party and you are thinking who’s side am I on…yours of course.  I am just saying.

Why are we put through so much pain?  We feel like it is so unfair, we feel like we are the good innocent ones and he is the one that gets away with it, maybe he got the young pretty girl and he is the one that is walking around treating us like an asshole and we are the one sitting at home broken up in tears.  How is life so unfair.

My breakup to me was like going to hell and back and no I am not going to say the pain was a gift, but I am using the lesson of the pain as a gift because it has taught me the lesson of compassion.   Some people’s heart becomes bitter and hard with pain.  They themselves become hardened.  These are the people who I pray for because they feel they are winners, no one will ever hurt them again.  I, may probably be hurt again and it will be just as painful and it scares me but that can’t be my focus.  My focus is that I have become a better person and not being a person that hurts people.  I am hypersensitive to people’s feelings.  My loving heart has grown.  I feel more than I felt before.

I have come to understand why we have pain in our life.  I understand why those who have traveled the journey of pain and come out with a soft heart are one of the most beautiful souls on this Earth.  They have learned the true gift of compassion because it isn’t just a word from a dictionary to them.  They feel it from their very soul.  You realize that empathy is a powerful tool to help someone and console and lift someone up while sympathy can sometimes be an outsider looking in.

Pain is a gift in that it is life’s way of showing us what area we need to work on. I would not leave this man because I feared being alone more than abuse. I would have stayed taking the treatment that was tearing down who I was as a human being. The heartbreak of another woman so easily replacing me tore me to the core. I had no choice anymore, I couldn’t stay and I was dying. I still am pretty tore down because of it. But I am out of that house now. I have some hope that I can make it on my own. Patience, I am work in progress.

Obviously  I am not that same person, and I didn’t realize that the wrong person, my husband, was teaching me the right lesson about life with the pain he put me through…indirectly…I thank you…and this will help me to forgive you.  And that  will help set me free….

Eventually….soon…I hope.