My writing pretty much stopped because all that peppy, motivational talk I wrote about that was helping me and helping you…disappeared, I had nothing to give anymore.
I found out that my ex was serious with another woman. Now I have written about thinking that he was seeing someone and it troubled me but I was a warrior and I was not going to let it get me down. So I thought.
Things were going great. My ex and I were amicable for the kid’s sake and realized that because of our history we were not going to be enemies like other divorced couples. I would periodically stop off to see my pets at his house since he was the one that ended up with it and it was best for my two kitties and doggie that they stay there.
So one day I went to my ex’s house to drop off food for my pets and “she” was sitting on the couch all dressed in a cute summer dress. “She” was his girlfriend, may I add that she was younger and pretty.
This woman stuck her hand out and I shook it, but I was not really sure who she was, what was she doing there. I walked to my son’s room and that is when he told me that this WAS his girlfriend.
I can’t explain what I was thinking or feeling, I just felt like I had to leave fast. I ran out the back door and drove away. I was halfway home when I had to pull over because I my crying became uncontrollable. What was happening? I had this divorce thing down pat, so I thought. I was able to handle anything life threw at me, so I thought.
I called my son and I wanted to know if she was still there. I was going to head back over there and…I don’t know what, but I needed to face her. My son informed me that she had left home.
After a good half hour, I drove home. The rest of the night was a whirlwind, my kids worrying, my ex calling saying he is doing nothing wrong we are not together…Nothing made sense. My husband of 28 years had moved on and made it clear he did not love me and it was never going to work between us anyways.
Shortly after that my daughter moved out of our apartment to live with her boyfriend. Working two jobs to keep our place became too much because I was depressed and angry so I moved to a rental behind a family. My place used to be a garage but they fixed it up really nice but it had no kitchen and in my head I could not get past that I lived in a garage, while he was buying a house. A house I used to live in and now this other woman was there. He had someone, and I was alone, I had nobody. I threw up my arms in defeat and even declared to myself, “You see, I knew I would end up alone!” I had already written the last chapter of how my life would end and closed the book. I isolated and lay around licking my wounds.
This was why I stopped writing my motivational blogs. This was beyond my understanding. It used to be that I met a problem and just writing it out helped me to find solutions. This was different, or so I thought.
Have you met this feeling? Has your husband or wife moved on and it is hitting you real hard that maybe just maybe, THIS MAY BE THE REAL END OF YOUR MARRIAGE. Sure we go through the motions, I want a divorce, you move apart, stay away…blah blah blah. But are you like me, and in the back of your head you kind of, sort of still think that maybe in the future you will get back together?
This is what we call needing to accept reality. As I had in the past, I picked myself up and started a game plan. “Operation Acceptance”.
Situation: I felt humiliated, rejected, depressed because my husband dumped me and got a new young, woman and they were probably having sex with that hussy in the room we used to sleep in…Ugh…Ok enough of that. This was about healing not allowing resentment to grow. Maybe she is a nice hussy, I don’t know.
I had to get control of myself again and this is only going to happen if I accept he moved on.
Here are six steps to feeling yourself again:
• Grieve: I know I did enough of it, but if you are going through this you have to allow yourself to feel those feelings of hurt, anger, sadness. I was really depressed and if there ever becomes a point where you feel stuck in this depression, it is ok to seek professional help. It is so important to be able to use grief to heal and to come to the other side stronger and compassionate. So if that anger and depression becomes a trap. Do yourself a favor and reach out. We all just want to be happy again.
• Realize: This is reality, I had to grasp that I was no longer his wife and he is his own person. People move on and isn’t that what I want for myself so why was I chastising him as a horrible human being. I know it is hard, but can you wrap your mind around that maybe just maybe you two were not supposed to be together and this other “woman” (notice I didn’t say hussy..ha! growth)is actually doing for you what you could not do for yourself. For me this was, she was my green light to go ahead with my life and stop worrying about what he is doing.
• Have Patience: I promise this hurt will not last forever. Trust the process of life, happiness, sadness, tragedy, victory. Life throws so much at us but we all have the strength to overcome.
• Forgive: Uh-oh. You are not going to like this part because it was so hard for me, but it was do-able. You have to learn to forgive that man you used to married to and yup, that woman he is doing too. Yuck, it was hard, it is hard. It is a process but little by ever so little, I am not forgetting, I am forgiving that this was about him trying to be happy and not about trying to hurt me. Even if it feels that way, stop your thinking. We are all here on this Earth to make ourselves happy first. Saying prayers, writing letters to him that never get sent, doing affirmations. There are many ways to work on forgiveness all you have to do is research.
• Accept: You are now in a place where you can understand what happened to you more clearly. Maybe your narcissistic husband or boyfriend did not truly love you. Acceptance is necessary, and at some point, you need not fight the past. It means seeing things clearly.
Remember you are forgiving for yourself, not for him. You never have to say the words to him. You are doing it as a healing practice so you can live and be happy again.
I just came back from a trip to Cancun with the girlfriends then camping with my kids. I need to always remember that I am in control of my happiness and it is none of my business anymore what he is doing, we are no longer together.
“One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, is to forgive.”