Believe it! I last left off blogging about my depression because for three years I have rent rooms, going back to mom’s. I have been here and there and even stayed random nights at friends houses. How I longed for that feeling you get after a long day at work and you just kick off your shoes and flop on the couch…HOME…That feeling was a big void for three years. Some conditions I lived in were so deplorable but at my pay and with my bills that was all I could afford.
When my ex told me I could rent a room at his home AND MY KIDS LIVE THERE, I said yes faster than he could finish his sentence.
EVERYONE’S CONCERN: Could I stay detached whilst I stayed under the same roof with the man who told me to my face he just didn’t love me anymore and ridiculed me as I cried? Could I handle the fact that he still does not want me and will be dating and even bringing women home? Would all the old arguing and fighting we used to do start-up again and mess up their happy home?
I would lie if I were to say that it won’t bother me if he struts in with this woman and see interest in his eyes for her, being sweet and acting like a teenager head over heels. Interest that he was not able to find in me but so easily pours it out to someone else. Yeah, I know there will be pain. I know there will be no scene, instead I will accept defeat and peacefully move out as soon as I could.
This is not my thought process, I am not allowing it to be. I looked him straight in the eye and said, as long as you can allow me the same privilege that this is my house too and I will respectfully date and only bring someone home if it is not just booty call. What he told me next blew me away.
He said that he was the man he was today because of me. I was the one that fixed his teeth, got him to stop drinking, took care of his Cancer (I forget what else) and he said thank you. Now it was his turn to pay me back by giving me a place to call home, that it was my home too for as long as I wanted to live there as long as we could get along.
He went on to say that he has only three people he cares about and that is his kids and me, we are all the family he has left and he would do all he could because I deserve it.
I could not stop the tears as I told him that I lived this house and it was hard moving out yet it feels like I never left. Being able to see my kids everyday, having my dog run and greet me as I get home. Having noise in the house…
I don’t know what the future brings, I know he has never been able to love me like a man loves a woman and that hurts my ego more. So I know there would never be another us, he killed my heart the day he told me he was done and had someone else. I see how he treats the girl he was dating now. He got bored and wants new meat. That is not what I want for myself.
So this is a new adventure for me in learning life lessons. This is the ultimate test in forgiveness, acceptance and most of all jealousy. This is my ultimate step in moving on and seeing him do it will kindle that spark in me to take a chance out there. I am young, attractive and have a lot to offer.
Maybe IT IS time to stop feeling like I am unlovable and see what is out there again. It is a scary feeling but it would be nice to have those butterflies over a man again.
For now, home is where mama is!