My daughter wanted me by her side every moment of her free time.
We were thr best of friends…so I thought.
She was proud of all the things I’ve went through in life because I did it being a depressed person…that was then.
We had each others backs and were each others biggest cheerleaders…when did it change?
When she got engaged and no longer saw me through the eyes of a daughter. She started seeing me as her new fiancee was seeing me too. Her disgust had to prove, she would never end up like me. Her disapproval had to show how far from normal I was and nothing she herself could ever be like.
Her prince came into her life as I always prayed would happen. Someone dashing and worthwhile because she deserved the best.
And me? I became the troll kept hidden beneath the bridge. Too gruesome to go near.
Another day with this dark weight on my very existence. I barely got out of bed at 3 pm and now as the clock inches to nightfall, my bed calls me. If promises me comfort in an otherwise dark world that has given up on me.
Sleep offers an escape from pain from loneliness.
So to my depression I say good night, thank you for another day robbed from me.
Depression, thank you very much for invading my life and just taking it over. You are like a mobster that breaks in a house and just starts ripping everything you find. You flip over couches, spray paint over any beautiful paintings you see, break all the beautiful china wear you find.
Depression you have robbed me of any motivation to be the best me because of you there is nothing best about me in fact thank you for making me loathe my very existence.
You have taken my daughter from me, she wants nothing to do with someone who isn’t good in her life. I love that girl dearly but to her I am nothing but scum.
You have robbed me from love, when you can’t love yourself, nobody can love you either.
You have robbed me of joy, laughter, friendships as I isolate and hide in my bed for days.
I have nothing to give to this Earth because I am nothing and I wish this depression would leave me now. I am 50, can I have some joy for the remainder of my life?
If there would be a law, should it be parenting with depression is prohibited? A child looks at their parents for modeling, for motivation. They have prohibited gay people from adopting, yet wouldn’t two loving happy people parent better than a mother who often could not get out of bed, who couldn’t find the energy to get out of her pajamas and brush her hair.
I am ashamed to call myself a mother. How dare I bring innocent lives and drag them into a world full of darkness and self-loathing. I can recall going to my 7 year olds’ back to school night and her telling me if I could smile and not act like a robot. To this day my daughter wants nothing to do with me because I am not someone to be proud of. This makes me beyond sad, because through it all, my kids made me try when I felt like throwing in the towel.
Do you know what being a mom with depression is like? Imagine a regular mom, can you ever not have guilt about something…wished you read to them a little longer, wished you played with them a little longer…As mothers we are never satisfied with our performance because this is one job we can’t screw up, it is a God given job. Imagine being a mom with depression, not only do you have the guilt of how you should have been better, you have everyone telling you what a shitty job you did as a mother, especially the ones you love more than anything … your kids.
The cries for help are discusting because we are supposed to be someone to look up to but instead we are discusted to even look in a mirror.