If I’m Going To Be Honest

If I’m going to be honest, I stopped writing my blog because I felt I had failed all my followers. My blog was supposed to be about how I was thriving at 50 as I prepared to divorce my high school sweetheart husband.

I was healthy, I felt true love for myself. My blogs were fun, I was fun, men were fun, dating was fun…LIFE WAS FUN PERIOD!… until it wasn’t.

I thought I had it all figured out, in fact I kinda tripped out on how easy it was ending my marriage. Sure it felt sad but the attention I was getting from other attractive men opposite of sad. If I’m going to be honest, it was downright exciting, exhilarating…and fun!

The fun ended when I realized that sadness was never dealt with. I shoved it down, covered it with more fun. I was fine, so I thought.

Instead of dealing with that wound, my broken heart, because I did love my husband. He was the love of my life. And yet I pretended like we, he, us, didn’t matter.

I neglected the pain I should have dealt with. I neglected me. There was no self-care, self-reflection. I ignored what went wrong with my marriage and carried all that to my next relationship and the next one and so on wondering why I was hurting so bad over losing men I hardly knew.

Those feelings I had for my husband were being transposed onto every man I met. Issues that were never dealt with were being thrown at these poor men that never knew what hit them. All my pain, feelings of betrayal and mistrust was diverted to every relationship I entered.

In essence I didn’t fail anyone. I had to learn to be alone and deal with who I had become. My story is not over, as long as I’m still breathing, there’s hope for me. Yeah yeah most my female friends are single and there doesn’t seem to be anything out there. But let’s see.

If you are like me, on the “older” side, frustrated with the lack of eligible single men, join me, comment below. I’m interested in learning about others experiences.