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Lonely Nights Are a Bore

What is wrong with me at night, I can’t find my comfort place

I roll this way, I roll that way and wake up all night long

Ahh!

I get up and move my whole bedroom furniture around

My bed placed right up against the wall

I fall asleep instantly, my back against the wall

The bed no longer feels too spacious

My comfort I have found

Something to lay next to

its cold…

but better than nothing at all…

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My Mother Came to Me Last Night

Tomorrow marks one week that my mother was taken from my life yet I was not prepared for her to come to me. I cried out into the night, “Momma!” I wailed her name over and over so hard my entire body shook. When I stopped I was told that my mothers love is reaching out to me at this time and holding me close. She knows how much I miss her and wants to remind me that our special bond of love can never be broken.

Her love lives on forever and she will continue to nurture me, protect me and keep me on path at this time of my life. She loves me and never left me.”

Then a song started and I thought that the song would give me an extra message but was taken aback:

I need to take the light back inside you stole, you’re a criminal and you steal like you’re a pro. All the pain, I was broken and all the bruises, I’m so ashamed…

Wait, what kind of message was that. I hurt her? She hurt me? I didn’t understand until it continued and by the bullets of phrases I heard, it was spot on.

But now I’m a warrior…stronger than I’ve ever been…and you can never hurt me again! so ashamed so bruised…there’s a part of me that I can never get back and I’ll never be the same…I’m taking back my life today…Nothing left you can say, cause you were never going to take the blame anyways….

OH GOD it was my momma

There is one person in my life that never even pretended to like my ex, the fact that he was cruel and treated her daughter so bad went through her and she hated that piece of sh*t didn’t deserve me she would say. She would always tell me she did not raise me watching abuse so why did I feel I deserved that.

Momma, I know can hear me. Thank you for this, thank you for being such a strong woman, at times you were too strong but I realize now you had been through a lot and you were a warrior and your toughness on me was because to thicken my skin.

Momma, I am leaving, in fact I am packing right now. You raised a warrior momma, I won’t be taking nobody’s shit ever again.

Thank you momma, you are my savior who made me a warrior and prepared me for the fight of my life. To leave the home of my ex who after years of verbal and physical abuse left me for someone else. I see my worth now, my momma would had never taken this shit. She stood up for her children, always put them first over any man. She was one tough cookie so when my ex spats at me that I am going to end up like my mom, alone. I will say, thank you … and by the way that is independent….

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Letter to My Ex

You told me I was worthless, you are right, because I became to believe everything you said…

Do you Remember the first day we met

So shy I didn’t want to meet you

They  took me kicking and screaming

Forced me to sit right next to you

I kept my head down eyes down

Eye contact with a boy? No way

But Your persistence fed my void

Your popularity fed my lineliness

You had friends went to parties

You pulled me from isolation

I felt included but more exciting

I had a boyfriend, who loved me

couldnt keep his hands off me

i felt special, and it was real

Not like the imaginary friends I had

who I wrote to brag about you 

yes they were real letters 

Crazy huh?

That’s what you always called me,

Well there was also psycho sybil

You loved to tell me in my face

And if your friends were there,

You didn’t care if it hurt me

Even your friends could join too

The laughter the fun at my expensSe

Night after night you stood me up

You just disappeared, out all night

I cant lose you.
I had begun to believe your words,

I was crazy and deranged and nobody else was going to want me. I would end up like my mother…fat, and alone. Instead of getting mad, I got scared and I chased after you. You could not stop loving me because I needed you to love me again.

I was a young girl who lost my innocence and youth to you. I was far from perfect but my love for you was pure till the end..but you fucked me up, pardon my French but no other word captures what you did to my soul. You belittled me from my head to my toes. Remember when I was looking at a skirt at the swap meet and you snickered and said I didn’t have the body for that, yet you broke your neck when someone curvy walked by not caring that I was standing right there. You told me I had a typewriter butt, flat and spread out and would laugh out loud at how comical my body was. Like a cartoon character you told me, as I burst into tear Sarah scolded to not make her mommy cry.

This is all for now…my stomach hurts and I cant stop the tears as I remember what life was like.

Enable me my Lord, to shift emotionally, to grow in wholeness. My broken bones have since healed, but the worst injury is inside my soul…

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I’m Not Crazy I Was Abused for 25 Years!

Staying In Abuse Has Destroyed Me

I have been seeking treatment after treatment trying to kill this depression because it wants to kill me. Over two decades of psych wards, prescription after prescription and all the side effects and slowly loved ones pull away, why isn’t she better.

When I was 18 it started, the bloody lip, black eye, broken rib, broken nose, torn ligaments. It was my fault though, I always said. See, it wasn’t like the instances of domestic violence that I am reading about.

What I read is a spouse is so jealous of his wife, he will abuse her but he does it to control her. Cuts her contact with the outside world all because he wants to keep her to himself. His cruel words that she is nothing is so she will believe it and only want him. His threats that if she leaves, he will hurt her, said because he is actually afraid of her leaving him. He has lost control and is actually so insecure that he inflicts his power to keep her.

I always blamed myself because he abused me because he couldn’t leave. He would have loved me to leave him. He didn’t love me, and would say it, he would tell everyone that would listen to him. Many of those were my friends, can you imagine how hard it was for my friends to confront me to tell me that he confided in someone seeking advise. He was trapped, he didn’t love me but was afraid if he left, I would kill myself. This was not a secret to me, but now everyone knew.

I remember my sister telling me to listen to the song “Girlfriend”, because in public he treated me like I was a leech stuck onto him. In the beginning my family was concerned when I showed up with black eyes or bruises and actually stood up for me, even his own mother sided with me. Until they saw that he was actually doing everything he could to get away from me, and I would hang on his leg to please not leave me. I lowered myself and believed I was nothing. I couldn’t have him leave, because in his instance, he was right, who would love someone like me.

Most of the time my two kids and I lived with my mother or alone because he would disappear for months at a time. I would live for the times he would return, why did he always return. For a week, and no longer, and then he was gone again. The rumors hit me left and right about the girls he was seeing. Some of these girls were known to me and some had even came up to me to tell me that he tried to seduce them.

Decades went by, I fought for him. I prayed, let him love me. Believe me I tried to move on, I had my boyfriends and met one in particular that truly loved me, Brian. Brian did everything in his power to win my heart, and he did. We became a couple and my family loved him. He actually loved spending time with me. He was affectionate, he catered to me.

Then I would leave him when my husband would cry out to me not to leave him. I was his wife and we are a family. He said he would get us a house, which he did and I would go back to a husband that treated me so well. Finally he appreciated me and we would be happy…for maybe a month. Then the drinking started, the abuse, the hate, the disappearing and returning bragging about the women he was with.

So I would go back to Brian who was always waiting. Time after time it would happen, my husband would come back…pleading to me. Swearing to change. At this time it was the only time I ever felt love from my husband and I would leave Brian again and again only to return to the same abuse.

Brian finally packed everything he owned and left the state because he said he didn’t know how to not believe me when I said this time I will stay.

It was only a week back with my ex that the abuse started again and the hate and the disappearing. Brian, was right when he left. I attempted to call him but his family would not going to allow me to play him anymore and I was never able to locate him.

In 1994, I saw a flicker of light, of hope. The physical abuse stopped, after waking up on the floor to my son screaming for his dad to leave me alone, and the neighbors calling the police…he was arrested and served time. He was made to go to anger management and it did stop forever. The kids were out of high school, we moved into a house with his mother who had Cancer. Her intentions were to leave us with a house since she was dying.

I had made him stop drinking, took care of his teeth, he almost died from his teeth rotting so bad. I spoon fed him soup after his Cancer surgery. We started having excursions, of course that I set up. I thought my dreams were coming true, he was different now, we were in a home we could raise our grandchildren in.

I was in denial though, tell me why my touch gave him the heebie jeebies and he would cringe, saying he just doesn’t do well with affection. Tell me why he would tell me I was sitting too close to him. I didn’t want to see it let alone be told by everyone, but they were telling me.

The excursions and dating lasted maybe after a month and then it stopped saying he just didn’t like going to the movies, didn’t feel like doing anything I would ask him to do. We would take a family trip to camp and he never wanted to go. I tried to drag him to my family gatherings and he would make excuses not to go. For Christmas we were heading to Vegas to spend it with my sister and of course he didn’t go. Can’t miss work he said. Of course when I called him it was always short, he would say you know I am not a phone person.

He got back into surfing which did save his life, he never went back to drinking. But he would leave at 5 a.m. and sometimes not get back until 5 p.m.

There was never another incident of physical abuse but because he was the type that used the F word so much, I didn’t realize that I was sinking even lower over the way he talked or screamed at me. He shamed my body, my hair, everything about my looks. But unlike other abusers who do it to lower their lovers self esteem because they felt insecure, my husband really found me discusting. While other abusing men would control their wives because they didn’t want them to leave them, mine was abusing me because he actually wanted me to leave.

I met him at 17 and I am 53 and we still live under the same roof and are still legally married. He has a girlfriend of six years and remember how he doesn’t like going places, or the movies or isn’t a phone person? I have found selfies and his girlfriend is all over him as he takes the picture. The biggest smile you ever seen. Turns out he loves going to concerts, traveling, camping and talking on the phone forever.

See we are not a couple, he says the wedding certificate is only a piece of paper. He is in love, I get to see what he is like when he loves someone.

What has all this done to me? Well, I have been unable to work because I have a boss that is cruel, I am unable to function when anyone is cruel or obnoxious to me. Turns out I have a condition of PTSD, to be more specific, Battered Women Syndrome. I am in and out of the hospital more than ever, taking psych meds more than ever.

I need support at this time as I don’t see any worth in myself, none. I am here because I feel my son and granddaughter will end up with the largest void. My daughter will be devastated but she will be fine. She is unable to love me and I see she is actually happier without me because she has a father now. My husband did end up being a good father to her and a bond has been formed with my daughter, her father and the girlfriend.

All of a sudden he loves my family and wants to be part of every function which I find really odd. My family loves him the same and when I hear beach, I know my family is with him and his girlfriend.

It has been six years of this and everybody is tired of me being mad because now he wants to bring the girl to the house and like they say, it is his house and you guys are not a couple.

All this is getting me sicker and I don’t know how to get better so I can go back to work and move out of this house. I don’t know how to find stability with my emotions. I am stuck and I know all this is my own doing, it is nobodys fault but my own. I am dying and don’t know how to fix it.

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You Begin a New Life, Till You Close the Book on your Old Life

If you are unhappy with your life… heck even your very existence, why don’t you stop complaining and change it. You are the writer of your story.

But my book is written, girl meets boy, it’s love at first sight, you kiss and kapow! Fireworks shoot off into the sky filling every crevice of Earth space with the most intense energy, that is until your first night together…oh yes this is the man you will get old with.

Then one day you find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful spouse and you say, “My God, how did I get here!”

Talking Heads

That book on the mantel with the beautiful endings, sunsets into forever gone land. So you carefully tear out the last pages and you get on your computer and write your new end to your new life. Don’t think of it as better, worse…just different with new lessons.

It is over five years and I have been holding onto the idea, but how can I move on, I still love him. I think? I don’t know? I realize I will love him always, but that does not mean I let that keep me stuck.

Thus, here I sit on my laptop with my head buzzing with ideas on how do I want my new life to look like. Hold on, I tell myself. First I must realize, it is time to see my life with him had moved on. Accept.

Where is that reset button?

Is This My Life, 50ish and Alone

It is four a.m. and I sit here in my cute sweet condo. My room is decorated in Victorian style, I have a zen patio. I have a wonderful job that I have held for 28-years. I have two grown beautiful children who are hard-working, I have a 20-month old grand baby that has a personality that will keep you in stitches. So, why so sad?

I wonder that myself, am I ungrateful? I know so many people would love my life and here I am on my antique victorian bed with plush burgandy silk linen…in tears. I am lonely.

I have nobody to share this with.

I am a messy person, but when I moved here it was all about changing my ways, I decorated this place top to bottom. I would wash my dishes as soon as I ate, everything back to its place. But the depression started to sink in. And little by little I found my dish isn’t washed, the bed isn’t made, my nightly routine of hand cleaning my wood floors had stopped and I find myself on the couch watching Netflix.

Well today will be different. Me and my two friends are buying tickets on the Amtrak and heading to San Juan Capistrano.

Think different, I tell myself. Seek out my friends, they are there. They never left me, the ones I sit around alone waiting for do not respond, they have lives and a single older female is not someone they choose to spend time with. That is ok, so be it…San Juan Capistrano here I come….CHOO CHOO!

ALONE, NEW HOME OWNER, YIKES!

To achieve the American dream, own your own home, that is the ultimate of all goals to achieve.

ACHIEVED!

Wait, it is not that simple. I am scared out of my wits! I am 55-years-old, I took out a 30-year loan! DAMNNNN, I am in debt and alone and old and and …what was I thinking.

I will take deep breaths, all is well. Everyone needs a home, right? I would be renting paying the same and making someone else rich.

Is anyone else in the same situation? Are you scared sh*tless? Please talk to me!

The Day My Momma Left Me

“My mama was bigger than LIFE!”

Sunday, …………, my long  time friend and I were chatting up a storm as we got out mani-pedi’s.  It had been a full day, lunch at Olive Garden, coffee and 7-11, and now this wonderful treatment. We were chatting to the owner, we all shared stories of our mothers. Yes, our mother’s were  fresh on our minds. As the manicurist massaged my hands, any tension I came in with…was gone.

My phone rang, I looked and saw it was my brother-in-law. I felt the air grow cold all around me. I had never seen his name appear on my phone. Why would he be calling me. The entire nail salon grew silent.  It rang again, quickly I pushed answer and brought the phone up to my ear, “What’s up Brian!” Pretending the fear I felt had gone…

“Cathy, are you sitting down…”, that phrase was all too familiar, I can’t remember how many movies, tv shows I had heard it on, but never in real time. How dare he use these words on me, I started yelling, screaming at him demanding him to finish, “WHAT! BRIAN WHAT!” He gently said your mom’s gone….

 This was not true,  my entire body began to shake as if I was convulsing and a scream so loud pierced through the air. A pitch I had never heard come out of me before, “Noooo! MAM!” I lost control, I just needed to scream, I could not scream loud enough, I kept yelling  to my mother, “Nooo Maa No! You can’t be gone!”

Immediately everyone jumped up, my friend ran out the door saying she was going to get cash to pay, the salon owner dropped what she was doing and rushed to me, grabbing me and holding me tight.  She too was shuddering in tears, our conversation about our mothers bonded us, she felt my anguish, and just kept repeating how sorry she was.

My friend returned, paid and guided me to her car. I knew she was taking me to my mom. All of a sudden I sat up and stopped crying.  I looked up at the sky, my mom was gone, she no longer existed. My mom died? I grabbed my head, no words, I just screamed and screamed.  Ugly jagged screams that needed to be louder and louder. I needed my throat to feel like it was going to rip. My dear friend, my angel friend kept her composure as she drove and I could faintly hear her praying softly, asking  that I be comforted.

It only took a few minutes to get there and as I ran up the driveway I saw my younger sister. She too was shattered, she muttered that mom was in her bed.  What! No, she refuses to sleep in her bed, she never sleeps in her bed.  Why would she sleep in HER bed?  Why did she go all the way to the back where her room was, she was afraid of being back there.  For years she had slept either on her lazy boy or the couch, but never in her bed. Nothing made sense, there was no way she went to sleep in her bed when she was all alone in the house. Never, why now.

I turned and ran to my mam. I was met with her lifeless body. She lay there with her eyes peacefully shut and her mouth open. It would have looks like she had just fallen asleep, but the corner of her mouth drooped to the side. She was gone, my mam was gone! Like a child running into her parents arms, I threw myself towards her. Her arms did not reach out to catch me, instead I fell in a heap onto a body that no longer belonged to my mam.

I didn’t care, I wrapped my arms around her tighter than I ever held onto anything, as if I were could catch her soul before it left. I was too late, her soul was gone. I yelled for my grandmother to help me, she was in Heaven already. She was probably waiting for her as she left, I begged her to leave her just a little longer. Gone…

There I stayed for hours, I was slightly aware of other members of my family arriving and the sobs of her grandchildren, great grandchildren and eventually my children Sarah and Vincent arrived. Her home had never been so sad.  She had lived there for 52 years, this home was her solace, she raised six children there as a single mom. And one by one we would leave only to come back with our children.  Her home was the hub of our family and now it was the saddest place I had ever been. All joy was gone…

The rest of the night was a blur, I was aware of the coroners arriving and them having to pry her out of my arms. Don’t take her from me, I knew I would never ever get to hold my mother again. I knew I would never see her, forever she was gone…

We were just talking about mothers, I was supposed to see my momma that day but I ended up with my friend. Two day’s prior my mother found out I was driving to Riverside to see my father and she asked me not to go if it rained, she needed me to  promise her I would not go in the rain because it was dangerous she said. She was extra loving, as she had been for the last month. As if she knew she was going, she just wanted me to be with her and not leave her side. Did she know? That day was the saddest day of my existence…my mam was gone…

My Ex and I Are Going To Be Grandparents!

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My Ex and I are Co-Grandarenting

There was a time when I refused to attend my family’s Thanksgiving Dinner because I found out that my ex was going. Can you believe it? That was my blood family! It wasn’t my fault that his parents and only brother died, he is the one who wanted to end the marriage so my family and I were a package deal. You can’t have my family and not take me.Continue reading “My Ex and I Are Going To Be Grandparents!”

Worst Question I Could’ve Asked My Ex

screenshot_20181030-234952_samsung-internetOnce you click “send”, it’s too late…it is gone and you cant take it back.

Tonight after 6 years apart I sent him a text, “Are you over me forever?” The question hung out in that cyber air, floating like a wayward deflating balloon a day too old. Not quite enough helium to make it fly in all its majestic beauty, on contrary, it was barely enough to make it sludge itself along the floor.

10 long minutes past and still my screen held only my pitiful words, not even a sorry, how about I wish..

Nothing.

What if his words would be, Fuck no! Are you crazy! That would be more than I could bare so I texted.

“Please forget I said anything, please pretend I never asked,”

That was an hour ago and my phone only displayed a screen that appeared like I was only talking to myself…..

When do you ever get over it. I. Known as dumb because I think like this. I guess you just ignore it all….

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