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I’m convinced that half the world is running around Bipolar yet undiagnosed.

When I proved to my husband’s girlfriend that he was cheating on her (you read right), I had to lock myself in my room because I was afraid of further abuse. I said, why are you angry, you said she was only a friend. He tried to kick the door down, screamed for my daughter saying I was off my meds. Everyone sided with him. My daughter grabbed my phone, like he told her, and wiped out everything…even irreplceable photos.

I started crying and he screamed through clenched teeth and veins pulsating from his forehead, see she is her meds, look how she is acting. He proceeded to call me a c**t, effing this, Sybil and I can’t remember what else.

I knew his girlfriend convinced her I was some crazy lying loony because she told me, you need to get a grip, see your doctor and take your meds.

Right after that incident my daughter stopped talking to me. She was about to get married and every role she gave me from decorating, being part of looking for venues…ended.

I was not even there as she chose her dress and it has been five months since her wedding and since she doesn’t speak to me, her husband made it clear that I have no rights to even see my only daughter’s wedding pictures. It’s intrusion to them.

We would have little family meetings to try to mend the relationship, more Promises of how I would be involved

COME ON PAIN!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!!

 

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COME ON PAIN!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!

In my life I have learned that you cannot make someone feel what you want them to feel for you.  I have also learned that when you don’t seem to get the message they can get mean and inhumane about you pursuing them.  Move on girls.  When they don’t want you they don’t want you.  Damn it hurts, but we have to cut that tie.  Just like that old cliche’ goes. They are just not into us anymore…

I used to wonder why was I given such a horrible man who causes me so much pain.  I am such a good loving wife.  I would follow him to the ends of the Earth.  No one will love him like I do, why does he hurt me so.  I endured this pain for 29 years and I am not going to lie, I still struggle with the thought of losing him.  I fight with thinking he is the most horrible man on the Earth for not treating me like a queen for loving him so much and treating me so bad and being with another woman now.  Really?

What if a man, any man, is placed in front of me and I am told, “Love this man!  Adore him!  Cherish the ground he walks on!”  And I look at this guy and I feel nothing, I mean really it is not my fault, I try but the sparks are just not there.  Is it my fault that I cannot put my arms around this dude and stick my tongue in his ear?  Ewwww, of course not.

It is in a way the same as someone who falls out of love.  It happens through no fault of their own, but all of a sudden they just don’t feel that spark so if you put yourself in their shoes, yikes, that is a lot of pressure.  I know, I know we don’t have a lot of sympathy for the other party and you are thinking who’s side am I on…yours of course.  I am just saying.

Why are we put through so much pain?  We feel like it is so unfair, we feel like we are the good innocent ones and he is the one that gets away with it, maybe he got the young pretty girl and he is the one that is walking around treating us like an asshole and we are the one sitting at home broken up in tears.  How is life so unfair.

My breakup to me was like going to hell and back and no I am not going to say the pain was a gift, but I am using the lesson of the pain as a gift because it has taught me the lesson of compassion.   Some people’s heart becomes bitter and hard with pain.  They themselves become hardened.  These are the people who I pray for because they feel they are winners, no one will ever hurt them again.  I, may probably be hurt again and it will be just as painful and it scares me but that can’t be my focus.  My focus is that I have become a better person towards not being a person that hurts people.  I am hypersensitive to people’s feelings.  My loving heart has grown.  I feel more than I felt before.

But most importantly if I were ever to get into a relationship and it occurred to me that I just did not feel for that person anymore.  I would not be that person that rubs a new person in their face.  I would be ultra compassionate because I am not so sick of them that I am just trying rid of them… no-no they are a human being going through pain like I remember going through and they need compassion…

I have come to understand why we have pain in our life.  I understand why those who have traveled the journey of pain and come out with a soft heart are one of the most beautiful souls on this Earth.  They have learned the true gift of compassion because it isn’t just a word from a dictionary to them.  They feel it from their very soul.  You realize that empathy is a powerful tool to help someone and console and lift someone up while sympathy can sometimes be an outsider looking in.

Today I am realizing that I needed that pain to learn what I know to today, and that is what I needed to grow where I am today.  I am a much more person too.  I have a courage I didn’t have before. I could never fathom the thought of being on my own and living by myself.  I would have been back at my mothers.  I don’t know what happened to me that I became such a co-dependant person.  I thought that because I left home at 17 I grew up fast but my husband became like a parent to me and I let him control me. If his word was the law, how was I independent.  Obviously  I am not that same person, and I didn’t realize that the wrong person, my husband, was teaching me the right lesson about life with the pain he put me through…indirectly…I thank you…and this will help me to forgive you.  And that  will help set me free….

WANTED…A PRINCE….FOR A PRINCESS!!! TRUE STORY!!!

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“WANTED…A PRINCE, FOR A PRINCESS…”

I watched this movie called Labor Day and it is about a wife who got left by her husband because she was in love with love, her heads were in the clouds about love.  She wanted to dance and be held and feel alive with a man but later on in the movie because the husband left, he apologizes to their son for leaving his mother.  He tells him that his mother was a beautiful woman but he just couldn’t give her that special love she needed.  So happens a prisoner takes them hostage one Labor Day weekend and they fall in love…I know, I know farfetched but oh so beautiful and romantic the way taught her to squish those peaches to make peach pies…hmmmm.

Well I won’t tell the ending but I started crying because that was me in the movie.  I don’t want a cheap player who wants me for one night, I don’t want to settle for a comfortable relationship just because I don’t want to be alone.  I believe in love, magical love.  The kind of love where you horse play and tickle each other, surprise each other with gifts, snuggle up from behind them because they just look oh so good, get excited when you see their car pull up or see a text from them or tell them to listen to the words of a song because this is how I feel about you.  Someone that thinks I am adorable and can’t stop saying it and believes it!

Am I living in a dream world.  Have I watched too many Disney movies?  I don’t think so.  I aim high because I deserve the stars and the moon and everything that comes with it.  I am a remarkable woman and I love with all my being and I deserve someone that will do the same for me.

Do you hear that Universe.  I just put my order out to you.  I am patient, but I am ready too.  Send me one hell of a prince.  Because I know there are decent men out there and we women do deserve that.

Oh did I mention I watched Frozen yesterday?  So romantic….Now really really, I would like to be Jasmine with the dark skin and those beautiful flowy silks, maybe I will watch Aladin next….

All joking aside, I don’t want to be a real princess, but shouldn’t every man treat his “girl” like a “princess”?  And shouldn’t every girl treat her “guy” like her “prince”.  In a nutshell that would mean treat them with a whole lot of love and a whole lot of respect.  Chivalry never has to die! Never let that goooooo!  That was a pretty song…

Let it gooooo!  Let it gooooo!  The cold never bothered me anyway!!!

NOBODY LAUGHS AT ME ANYMORE!!!

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NOBODY LAUGHS AT ME ANYMORE!!!

I always waited for my husband to approve of me to make me feel beautiful, it never came. Therefore I was never beautiful. Instead he cheated on me, why would he cheat on me? If I were more beautiful he wouldn’t cheat on me, huh? If only I had a better butt, my butt was as flat as a board, he would laugh at me and call me typewriter butt, because it was flat and wide. Did I say he would laugh? I think I was also supposed to laugh too. I would try to laugh because he said, that is a good one huh, I thought of it myself, so I would try to laugh.

I knew he was a butt man, but I had no butt. I knew he was a butt man because I found the magazines called “Buttman”. Funny huh! There really is a magazine called that. But I didn’t laugh when I saw the title. I didn’t laugh as he always stared openly at other girls bottoms. And I didn’t laugh when I saw him lift my sister’s skirt up to see her bottom one Halloween. I slapped him and he slapped me back and back and back and back.

He would call me dumpy because my stomach protruded out further than my breasts. I remember we were at Petco and he laughed pretty loud as I stood there eating out of a bag of chips and I didn’t get the joke. He said, “I wish you could see your body, it looks so dumpy the way you stand and with your stomach. It just looks so dumpy.” I think I was supposed to laugh. I tried to laugh, instead loud sobs came out and I had to walk away real fast because my children were standing there and watched in horror that he had hurt my feelings and I could hear my daughter scolding him. “Don’t laugh at my mommy!” I could here her tiny voice still today. At such a young age she was kind and loving and knew what it did to me, more than he did.

Beautiful, wow, what was that? Not something I was familiar with. My 20’s flew by, then my 30s, and now I am in my 40’s getting real real close to my 50’s REAL CLOSE. I was told something yesterday that was odd. My daughter’s boyfriend was looking at pictures of me through the years up to now and told her that I was getting better looking as I was aging. My son’s girlfriend was sitting there and she said, “I know your skin is looking really good.” Then my daughter started joking around how my head was going to start to get big and explode. I told her, “I noticed the same thing honey, I just keep getting more beautiful the older I get, I am so afraid to get 80!” Of course that is when she rolled her eyes!

Seriously, seriously, I thought it was just me thinking this. My lines on my face are coming forth little by little with age, but oddly enough I see a beauty that I never seen before. I was thinking to myself, I think I am getting prettier. I am not being vain in no way, I promise. I am not a Kardashian, I am being humble in the same breath, always. I am being thankful to God because I see this as a gift because I want to be deserving of this, I need to not be repulsed of myself when I look in the mirror and instead God took it a step further and with my confidence, all with my confidence and self-love and happiness God made me see the beauty and it shined through making it true like a miracle.

Do you believe in miracles? I do. I always wished to be more beautiful, God didn’t make me more beautiful, he helped me love myself and with that came confidence and that changed me and how the world sees me too, even through photographs. I can see photographs from years ago and I may look younger back then but because my happiness is radiating in my face now, my God, it shows, the beauty of my happiness is like the sun radiating through the entire photo. And I do look better now, wow isn’t that a trip.

I don’t need approval to feel good about myself anymore, I release myself from the bondage of being with a man that will never give me that and tears me down and because I love myself so much now, I am realize I deserve better. I deserve a man that puts me on a pedestal and cherishes me, and dotes on me, and tells me I am beautiful, not because I need to feel beautiful, because he is in awe of my beauty!!

Wow when did this change? When I left the man that kept me feeling so horrible about me! That is when the wheel started rolling. I don’t know why my husband tore me down, I don’t care, I don’t care about his psyche, his issues, what he needs to heal, I release him and all his baggage…So if you think you can laugh at me now? UP YOURS!!!!

ENDLESS NIGHT….

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ENDLESS NIGHTS…

There was a time as I sat at the ledge of my front window more time than I could count. Many times watching the sun come up. It never ceases to amaze me how as a car would approach how I would kneel up to get a closer look, my hear would pound so hard, let it be him let it be him. As the car drove by and I realize it wasn’t him, the sinking in my stomach never felt better than the last time. As each car approached, the heart pounding pace never was slower than the last time. Night after night, day after day as this became a routine. Why didn’t it become easier that he wasn’t coming home? Why didn’t my wishes that the car be his lessen as each car drove by? Why didn’t it get to the point where I said, damn, eff this, I work tomorrow, I’m tired, I’m going to bed? But that night never came. Why didn’t the sobs grow quitier night after night? Why didn’t I miss him less? Why didn’t I trust him less? Why didn’t I care less? Why did I love too much much?

THE EVIL INSIDE OF YOU….

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THE EVIL INSIDE OF YOU

I could see the face of evil

I could see it when it came

What brought it on I did not know

One time I gave you the wrong change

In a flash like a dark bulb

The light would change

And I wouldn’t know you anymore

Your black hair turned charcoal

Darker than it was before

Your eyes went through me

The green pierced like dark broken glass

One time I swear I seen the devil

I know I seen a black heart

Those were the times I was frightened

Not like when I made you mad

These times it was different

Sometimes I had to withdraw

Those days are long over

But forever stuck in my heart…