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When You Think Nobody Will Ever Compare to Your Ex


So you are back to dating, yet you find yourself comparing or looking for someone like your ex.

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Nothing Compares To You

There is a reason why you feel nobody measures up to your ex.

You are not quite ready to date.

What is the solution you ask? Good question!

First of all it depends how long you have been single. The healing process is different for everyone, but if you find yourself still rejecting everyone because he doesn’t have the nice biceps like your ex, or he just isn’t as handsome as your ex…ok, we have a problem.

You need to read my blog “Disengage and Let Go” because chickee he is not your man anymore so let it go! I am being serious, the assignment is learning to let go, move on, bury the corpse…IT’S DEAD!

On the opposite side of the scale you may be a new divorcee that is trying to numb the pain with a man. For you, no man. Sorry, your assignment is to learn to sit with your pain. Allow yourself to grieve completely or else you will be dating on the rebound. There is no rush, relax and heal before moving on.

Then we have the one similar to the stuck in the past person. Ask yourself who do you miss? What you wish he was like or what he used to be like. I’m sure you were on your best behavior when you met him. Probably didn’t poop in the same house for months.  Guess what, so was he.

You need to remember reality like uh, you are not together. Uh, maybe he remarried. What is the truth of the situation? Well then time to get him off the pedestal and realize it’s over and maybe you are living in wish land.

Dating is harder for some especially if your mind is on the ex. After proper grieving, let it go and move on.

 

 

 

 

 

14 Logical Ways to Know You May Be Dating Mr. Right!

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In order to find a good man we need to think ahead about what we want in a man.  The traits I accumulated are key to finding a great guy.

No more settling.  No more Mr. Losers for us.  Because we are perfect women and this time around we want a man who is going to be worthy of us.  I have searched the web and came up with these 14 traits, gestures and behaviors that I found the most important to finding Mr. Wonderful.

Now first, very important.  You are not going to pull out a clip board and question him.  These are to remembered so they sound natural if you need to ask questions.  The key is to talk about everything and to casually in a conversation mode, even ask questions.

TRAITS WE WANT IN A MAN

  • He asks questions, not just answers yours. Him asking if you like oral doesn’t count.  This guy will ask things to get to know who you are. He wants to know your favorite food, your passions, and even what you are looking for in a man.
  • Asks about your family, and doesn’t hide his.  Family values are important and if he asks you in proper time to meet his wonderful family, that means he wants to show you off to people he loves.
  • Not chauvinistic,  but chivalry is not dead.  He is not the kind of man who expects you to serve him as he lays out on the couch drinking his tall bud.  He doesn’t expect you to draw his bath.  He seems like the kind of guy that will get in and help you cook dinner and do the dishes.  Gee whiz! So he is about equality, but he treats you like a princess and opens doors for you, pulls your chair out.
  • No temper issues: I was married to an abuser with a horrid temper so this is a good one.  Want to test his temper, have him drive you two somewhere during rush hour on the freeway.  Are you noticing his temper rising and everyone else that is driving is an idiot.  The worst thing is he tells off everyone in the other cars…as if they could hear him.  Ugh, we need gentle peaceful men.
  • Makes you feel good no matter if you are in sweats or dress but it is authentic.  Now I am not saying to walk around in lard covered sweats and not brush your teeth.  I am talking clean, no make-up and he still acts like you are some hot super model.  Or at least that you are cute.
  • Apologizes when wrong.  So important, a man who cannot admit when he is wrong is all wrong! You do not want a man who has too big of pride that refuses to admit he is wrong.  If he is late to pick you up (which should not be happening anyways) but he is sorry and is trying to make it up to you.
  • Listens to your problems.  I am not talking, “Uh huh, really, oh”, I mean actively listening to your issues at hand.  Now mind you men have a tendency to think you are asking for a solution.  Don’t forget to listen to him back.
  • Not afraid to bring up goal with you.  Does he say stuff like, you are the kind of woman I would love to spend the rest of my life with.  Ok maybe even, asking if you could date exclusively.  This is a sign that he is not commitment phobic.  A man that says he doesn’t want to get serious, is someone who you are never going to get anywhere with.  Advice…run, don’t walk!
  • You are a priority.  You matter to him.  Not to mention he makes sure you know how important you are to him.
  • Respectful.  First time you hear anything like stupid, idiot, any disrespectful language that makes you sound like a lesser person.  Does he treat you with respect, doesn’t raise his voice to you.  This is very important.
  • Surprises you with sweet things.  Awe, what a sweet-ums!  Brings you flowers, maybe even picked it for you.  Brings you over a DVD to watch, and it just so happens to be your favorite movie.  Ah he really was listening!
  • Got act together.  We are not material girls, at least we shouldn’t be.  At the same time, we should be selective and want a man that is gainfully employed, doesn’t ride a 10-speed.  His finances are in order, maybe owns a home, but maybe he has his own apartment.  Something that tells you he has ambition and is responsible.  Does he work, is it a good job.  It could be a McDonalds manager, I am not downgrading anyone.  But come one if you want to go out with me you must have a J.O.B.
  • Work history:  Ok so we know he has a J.O.B., but what is his history with work.  Does he jump around and goes periods where there is no work, or does he have a 35-year-old pension because he has worked at the same company his whole life.  During this economy I realize there are men that are out of work and I am not dissing anyone.  But realistically, if you are having problems with work, you don’t need to be thinking about dating for now.  There are other priorities you need to think about.  I went on a date with a man who was on GR and true story, took me out to eat on his EBT card.  That ended real fast.
  • Great close relationship with family and friends.  If everyone in his life has abandoned him, even his mother.  Then you need to wonder why.  No friends either, wow.  Unless he is new to the area, he should have family somewhere, right?  Be wary if you are not introduced to anyone.

Remember, we are asking for some great qualities so you have to think about what are you bringing to the table.  Nobody in this world is perfect, we are going to have flaws.  Growth is about recognizing those flaws and always working to make you the best you can be,.

Happy Dating!

Why Dating Right After A Break-Up Is All Bad!

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Divorce is easy…so I thought!

Barely even hurt..so I thought!

I thought I was the divorce guru.  My hubby of almost 30 YEARS dumped me.  Know what happened to me? I grabbed me a new boyfriend in Vegas and life was all about finding cute clothes and keeping in shape because every three weeks I was taking off to Vegas to see shows and play with my new man.

That will show my ex, huh? Especially since he dumped me for another woman. How cool would it be for him to find out I  moved on and got a new man. Sounds like a plan, right? That’s how I was thinking. IN YOUR FACE! HA!

It wasn’t six months, the new guy dumped me. Dumped again. I panicked. My ex was with the same girl…Not a problem, in between crying spells, I signed up for online dating and omg, found the most amazing guy the next day. This was too easy.

I left the guy a good riddance message because I was dating a homicide detective. The hell with my ex and the ex, they were the ones who lost out,  because I was dating up now.

Two weeks later it was over. My depression grew worse. What was going on.

DATING TOO SOON RIGHT AFTER A BREAK-UP THAT’S WHAT! Want to know Why?

1. You never got the chance to grieve and mourn. Those feelings need to be experienced or they will come out other ways. I jumped right into another relationship like putting a cheap band-aid over a bleeding heart. Eventually that band-aid is going to give and all that pain will still come out. Until you are somewhat over wanting to pull the blanket over your head and sleep your life away, until you are back to work, socializing with friends, not crying at a drop of a hat. You are not ready. Be patient and comfort yourself through this process.

2. Are you just trying to fill a void in your heart. Maybe that relationship was toxic but your insecurities subconsciously make you feel like bad love was better than no love. If this is the case one of two things will happen. You will manipulate your ex back or end up in another relationship that is just as toxic. You will find yourself with the same kind of man.

Now I know why they tell you to wait before you start dating. You have to go through the pain and resolve it before you can fully give yourself to anyone else. You need to find your true self and reflect on what went wrong in your marriage. Mourn the death of your marriage.  That is one pain you cannot run from.
Not to mention I didn’t know how to be alone.  This time it is different, I mourned the death of my marriage and am enjoying this time to get to know me.

If there are any newly single people out there after a divorce, separation, I challenge you to stay single for 6 months at least.

I know there are some hot mama’s out there that are thinking no way, YES WAY! What have you got to lose. Maybe you will learn something about yourself.

The key though is not to see this as a punishment but a period to heal lovingly. A time to learn to sit with yourself.



 

What this is about is learning to be o.k. and at peace with yourself.  It is hard at first but you will get to the point where you will look forward to spending time with yourself.  We are amazing people, just so many of us have never peeled the layers to really get to know our true self.
Namaste

WANTED…A PRINCE….FOR A PRINCESS!!! TRUE STORY!!!

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“WANTED…A PRINCE, FOR A PRINCESS…”

I watched this movie called Labor Day and it is about a wife who got left by her husband because she was in love with love, her heads were in the clouds about love.  She wanted to dance and be held and feel alive with a man but later on in the movie because the husband left, he apologizes to their son for leaving his mother.  He tells him that his mother was a beautiful woman but he just couldn’t give her that special love she needed.  So happens a prisoner takes them hostage one Labor Day weekend and they fall in love…I know, I know farfetched but oh so beautiful and romantic the way taught her to squish those peaches to make peach pies…hmmmm.

Well I won’t tell the ending but I started crying because that was me in the movie.  I don’t want a cheap player who wants me for one night, I don’t want to settle for a comfortable relationship just because I don’t want to be alone.  I believe in love, magical love.  The kind of love where you horse play and tickle each other, surprise each other with gifts, snuggle up from behind them because they just look oh so good, get excited when you see their car pull up or see a text from them or tell them to listen to the words of a song because this is how I feel about you.  Someone that thinks I am adorable and can’t stop saying it and believes it!

Am I living in a dream world.  Have I watched too many Disney movies?  I don’t think so.  I aim high because I deserve the stars and the moon and everything that comes with it.  I am a remarkable woman and I love with all my being and I deserve someone that will do the same for me.

Do you hear that Universe.  I just put my order out to you.  I am patient, but I am ready too.  Send me one hell of a prince.  Because I know there are decent men out there and we women do deserve that.

Oh did I mention I watched Frozen yesterday?  So romantic….Now really really, I would like to be Jasmine with the dark skin and those beautiful flowy silks, maybe I will watch Aladin next….

All joking aside, I don’t want to be a real princess, but shouldn’t every man treat his “girl” like a “princess”?  And shouldn’t every girl treat her “guy” like her “prince”.  In a nutshell that would mean treat them with a whole lot of love and a whole lot of respect.  Chivalry never has to die! Never let that goooooo!  That was a pretty song…

Let it gooooo!  Let it gooooo!  The cold never bothered me anyway!!!

THE ILLUSION OF LOVE

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THE ILLUSION OF LOVE

Visions of sugarplums dance in my head. They are dancing around and they seem so real, the sweet sugary taste tantalize my taste buds and I want to consume them up. The deep frosty purple glisten as they swirl round and round threatening to burst with the sweet nectar they are filled with. Are they real? They look real! I want them to be real. My past tells me not to taste them just yet. We want to make sure my eyes are not playing tricks on me. My tummy would be sad if it were expecting them and they were nothing but a figment of my imagination and I would bite and it would be nothing but an illusion and I would taste nothing but air.

This is what love is like. I approach it gingerly making sure my feet are on secure foundation. I don’t want the bottom to give way as I put my weight down. I walk slowly towards it, towards the wonder of my sugarplums. So many times love has dropped me down and I went tumbling hitting everything that was below. I have to care for myself because if I don’t, who will. Love is supposed to bring us the most joy yet can bring us the most pain. Which will it be, nobody ever knows with each situation, but we continue to slowly approach the wonderful fruit of love, because when it is sweet, oh how sweet it is!!!

CLIMBING FOR LOVE…

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CLIMB FOR LOVE…

Oh the webs we weave…ok! My quest for love continues. It is a journey that I continue to climb the highest mountain in pursuit of it.

The mountain I left didn’t have it, my husband. I climbed it all the way to the top. Oh, what a jagged, rocky high mountain it was. Full of peaks and loose rocks. So many times I lost my footage but I continued my climb sure that I would find what I was looking for.  If I pushed forward and could just reach the top.  But two peaks up, and I would fall three peaks down.

What took years to climb, left me battered exhausted and depleted. As I sat on the mountain top overseeing the vast blue yonder, I realized that there was nothing there I was looking for. My journey was not for nothing, because it taught me how to climb another mountain and what to expect. Then the next relationship came, I realized this mountain I must leave behind and I started my climb down leaving it behind.

So now I stand at the crest of all these new mountains promising new journeys and adventures. But I am told to stay in the valley and rest awhile from the brutal climb of that very large mountain I had just left. My wounds have not yet healed from the rocks that nicked me and bruised me. I have not even caught my breath from that exhausting climb down from that enormous mountain and already I want to jump on and start climbing again. Rest a while. Catch your breath. Let those wounds heal. Relax and gaze at the various mountains and decide which mountain you would like to climb and not just jump on the first one.

I use this as a metaphor for my inability to stay still with no man.  When I first broke up with my ex, it was like I had to get a man fix right away.  Sadly when we do this it is only to run from the pain from our first relationship.

I have been single for over two years now and am finally learning what I want and don’t want in a man.  Jumping too fast in a relationship to avoid the loneliness and pain will make you less than selective.  It is important to take a step back.  Connect with yourself and meeting your own needs.

I am learning to look for love inside myself.  So far so good!

TEACH ME HOW TO BE SINGLE!

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TEACH ME HOW TO BE SINGLE!

The concept of being alone to “find myself” scares me. What exactly am I finding? What does this mean? Am I on the back of a milk carton reported missing? Because last time I check I never lost myself. Does it mean learning how to be in a room with no other people all by yourself. Now it is a test. You are allowed to have a television, radio and best of all phone and computer but no other human with you. You have to be able to withstand being without a man in your life most importantly. No sex, no cuddling, no tender kissing, none of this. Is this what they are talking about?

So if I have male attention I won’t be able to find this something that is lost about myself…am I on the right track? I am hoping someone who has all wisdom is out there reading this. Some guru of the Universe and knows of this special wisdom I will attain if I abstain from male companionship.

How long does it take for this special wisdom to hit me? Is it like a bolt of lightning? Or does it come slowly, and how will I know when I finally get this special wisdom? Is it that kind of thing where you say, oh don’t worry, you’ll know, believe me, you’ll know. Because I am thinking this is something like those Buddist Monks do in Tibbet where they abstain from all Earthly temptations to perfect their souls and is this what I am doing? Will I have to wear some white kind of diaper, burn incense and sit in a yogi position?

I am just asking!