My Man Made Me Feel Like Nothing 3.14.13
It has taken me 30 years and I am like a spiritual Ghandi like transformation taking form this year. I don’t know what finally hit me in the face and said, wake up! No let’s make it like a movie…I have walked up to a glowing bush that talks to me and says, and so I say, this is how it is..and my brain absorbs the truth and grasps it.
Ok I am babbling. We all know right from wrong to a point right, don’t be with a loser…leave him but we say in a whiney voice…but I can’t, I love him so….wah wah. The righteous one would say, hey dude, you are a loser, hit the road jack…and don’t you come back no mo, no mo no mo, no mo!
Am I saying I am the “Righteous One” now, follow me in my white robe and kiss my toes…no of course not (unless you really want to)…but if you don’t, I have been in enough pain that something in my brain finally snapped and said no more. Let me let you in on a little secret, a lot of our pain is self-created…yup…and most of it is prolonged by guess who…yup again..ourselves. Pain is inevitable…that means…it is part of life…some of it. What are you hurting about…Make a list…I have to continue again on this one because baby I dealt with it and it crippled me and it hurt me and it gave me pain…pain I didn’t have to have. It was pain I created in my own head.
I felt like nothing. Let me tell you my husband laughed at my body, he cheated on me, I found condoms in our car, underwear in our couch when I was 7 months pregnant, I had broken eardrums, a broken rib, black eyes and so on from confronting him on his hos, he called me names like fat ass, you ain’t worth nothing…forget the violin bring me the whole damn orchestra!
I blamed him, I blamed him, I blamed him because I felt like nothing. I stayed with him because who would want me. For sure if he didn’t want me damn I better make sure he stays with me cause nobody is going to want a fat ass like me. Was it his fault…well yeah he was a mean son of a bitch…but let’s be real here. Damn if I would have had some good ol’ self confidence in myself I would have said, boy nobody cheats on this fine azz chick…(I checked in the mirror..I am pretty fine) NEXT!!!! It wouldn’t have had to get ugly to the point where I was accusing, finding, fighting, getting hit, getting put down during fights…I would have been gone and either been on my own or with someone who seen me as who I am, a beautiful, loving, funny woman.
So again I ask, did my ex make me feel like nothing? Did your ex make you feel like nothing? NO!! BECAUSE YOU ALREADY FELT LIKE NOTHING!!! You heard that saying by our good ol’ president’s wife Eleanor Roosevelt, “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” Baby if we don’t approve of ourselves, it shows in how you act. You walk around with this feeling about yourself…If you don’t approve of yourself, how could you really love you. If you don’t really love you, how can anyone really love you?
Now really think about it, if you don’t approve of yourself you have a big road block right in front of you that is keeping you from going forward. You need that road block gone cause you need to get over butt head, you need to make a life for yourself, you need to be happy joyous and free, you need to be successful in any way you choose.. HOW CAN YOU DO IT IF YOU THINK YOU ARE A BIG OL’ PIECE OF POOP! You are going to have a hard time getting there, let me tell ya!
Are we on the same page? Are we believing that those obstacles are of our own making and ARE ALL IN OWN MIND!!! AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A MAN!!
By the way the big caps are me grabbing you by the shoulders shaking the hell out of you and trying to yell some sense into you. If I could I would slap you around a little bit if I knew it would help, and if I knew you wouldn’t slap me back.
Moving right along…I feel it in my bones. I feel you sitting there nodding profusely agreeing with me…am I right…course I’m right…cause I approve of myself so I am never wrong. Next step. Let’s approve of ourself! Yikes…the audience grows quiet….not an easy task and it takes time…
You need to accept yourself as you are, the whole package, the whole enchilada. Go in front of a full length mirror, yeah I know not that many people have them and I don’t want you driving around to department stores looking for one so a bathroom mirror is fine. Look into it and smile. What is your first reaction. Does it feel good or are you looking at eww, look at that big nose, man my forehead is a five head or muffin top !
Ok chickees this is not a good sign…not a good sign at all but perfectly normal. We as a society have been trained to be humble, or through childhood we were put down..BUT ALL THAT IS BLAH BLAH TO US NOW!!!…we don’t care where we come from, what happened to us anymore, we are looking forward now. Leaving the past behind us now cause we want to be better and the past serves us of no good anymore. We are done blaming society, our parents, our ex, no more pointing fingers…you know what they say….when you point fingers there are three fingers pointing back at you..silly huh.
Self-acceptance. I want you to write a list of what you don’t like about you. Want to know something. I remember being a youngster and my list was a mile long. I was going to do this with you and I have been working on this self-acceptance thing so much for a whole year to write my list for you I had to stand in front of my mirror and almost make things up at what I don’t like about myself. Is that weird. I can honestly say that the only thing that wish I could change is that I have a fatty pooch on my abdomen…this made me smile because I still have all the things that I had. I can remember the list I had…let me remember:
• Skin too dark (as Hispanics, the lighter you were the more beautiful you are considered)
• Large nose
• Chicken legs
• Flat butt
• Fat belly
• The skin on my hands was wrinkled
• Too shy, don’t talk enough
• Not pretty
• Eye color
This is just a tip of the iceberg…see what I mean about creating our own misery. I would cry because I thought I was not pretty. Now I am not being conceited. It was low self-esteem. I am pretty!
Golly Gee Catalina How Did You Do It!
Simple…It really is. You are going to think, this is silly and you won’t do it and the people who do it and going to feel fabulous in a year and you won’t and will be going nani nani nani!
1. Be ok with who you are. THE WAY YOU ARE! Fat skinny, black, white, Asian, short, tall, WHATEVER, you are what you are and so get used to it cause that is the package you were dealt with so learn to accept it and be happy with it! I have chicken legs and I wore pants only when I was young, you best believe I sport the shortest shorts now, cause I don’t care what anyone thinks. I love my legs…I will get on top of a rooftop and yell…I LOVE MY CHICKEN LEGS!!! I will throw on some stilettos and a skirt and walk around like my shit don’t stink and you know what I feel good about myself…CIAO!!!
2. Stop looking for approval from others. When I started this blog it my son said, mom you should
think about changing your picture so people could take you serious…look at my picture…I am wearing rainbow
rave clothes..hair in pig tails…I told him. This is who I am. I am not going to change for anyone and
the blogs are going to be about learning to accept yourself too. Know what he said…Rock on mom. I was so
happy he approved…Ha!!! Just kidding…I could care less, I wasn’t going to change it regardless! I am
kooky, eccentric…this is me…take it or leave it. Give you an example, I found this really cool kimono
looking blouse at this thrift store, put it on…hmm wouldn’t it look cool if I put my hair in a bun, wow.
Grabbed some chop sticks threw them in my hair criss cross. Hey! Thought it would really add to the
Japanese ensemble if I wear my eyeliner in a long line. Oh yeah…perfect. Now mind you I have a government
job and yep, I went to work that way. My coworkers always look forward to what is Catalina up to now!
That’s me! Don’t like it, look away, I make me happy and that is what my life is about now, HOW DO I MAKE
3. Buy Louise Hay books and read them. She was my Godsend.
4. Last get that list and burn it..BURN IT SISTER! All this is part of us. If you think you are too
chubby. Accept if for now, cause if you don’t it won’t do you a speck of good trying to lose weight
cause people eat cause they are miserable. You have to be happy with yourself then you can change
so for now honey accept yourself for what you are and then we can work on changing what we are
There are a lot of things I repeat from blog to blog, I repeat what I find important. Self-esteem is one that I will probably go on and on about because, man it is so important to us women, it saved my life and it was the turning point that took me out of the poop hole I was living in my mind. The key word is self-approval here. This beautiful song says it all, he can take everyting you hve, but you can still rise up from the ground! Enjoy!