In my life I have learned that you cannot make someone feel what you want them to feel for you.  I have also learned that when you don’t seem to get the message they can get mean and inhumane about you pursuing them.  Move on girls.  When they don’t want you they don’t want you.  Damn it hurts, but we have to cut that tie.  Just like that old cliche’ goes. They are just not into us anymore…

I used to wonder why was I given such a horrible man who causes me so much pain.  I am such a good loving wife.  I would follow him to the ends of the Earth.  No one will love him like I do, why does he hurt me so.  I endured this pain for 29 years and I am not going to lie, I still struggle with the thought of losing him.  I fight with thinking he is the most horrible man on the Earth for not treating me like a queen for loving him so much and treating me so bad and being with another woman now.  Really?

What if a man, any man, is placed in front of me and I am told, “Love this man!  Adore him!  Cherish the ground he walks on!”  And I look at this guy and I feel nothing, I mean really it is not my fault, I try but the sparks are just not there.  Is it my fault that I cannot put my arms around this dude and stick my tongue in his ear?  Ewwww, of course not.

It is in a way the same as someone who falls out of love.  It happens through no fault of their own, but all of a sudden they just don’t feel that spark so if you put yourself in their shoes, yikes, that is a lot of pressure.  I know, I know we don’t have a lot of sympathy for the other party and you are thinking who’s side am I on…yours of course.  I am just saying.

Why are we put through so much pain?  We feel like it is so unfair, we feel like we are the good innocent ones and he is the one that gets away with it, maybe he got the young pretty girl and he is the one that is walking around treating us like an asshole and we are the one sitting at home broken up in tears.  How is life so unfair.

My breakup to me was like going to hell and back and no I am not going to say the pain was a gift, but I am using the lesson of the pain as a gift because it has taught me the lesson of compassion.   Some people’s heart becomes bitter and hard with pain.  They themselves become hardened.  These are the people who I pray for because they feel they are winners, no one will ever hurt them again.  I, may probably be hurt again and it will be just as painful and it scares me but that can’t be my focus.  My focus is that I have become a better person towards not being a person that hurts people.  I am hypersensitive to people’s feelings.  My loving heart has grown.  I feel more than I felt before.

But most importantly if I were ever to get into a relationship and it occurred to me that I just did not feel for that person anymore.  I would not be that person that rubs a new person in their face.  I would be ultra compassionate because I am not so sick of them that I am just trying rid of them… no-no they are a human being going through pain like I remember going through and they need compassion…

I have come to understand why we have pain in our life.  I understand why those who have traveled the journey of pain and come out with a soft heart are one of the most beautiful souls on this Earth.  They have learned the true gift of compassion because it isn’t just a word from a dictionary to them.  They feel it from their very soul.  You realize that empathy is a powerful tool to help someone and console and lift someone up while sympathy can sometimes be an outsider looking in.

Today I am realizing that I needed that pain to learn what I know to today, and that is what I needed to grow where I am today.  I am a much more person too.  I have a courage I didn’t have before. I could never fathom the thought of being on my own and living by myself.  I would have been back at my mothers.  I don’t know what happened to me that I became such a co-dependant person.  I thought that because I left home at 17 I grew up fast but my husband became like a parent to me and I let him control me. If his word was the law, how was I independent.  Obviously  I am not that same person, and I didn’t realize that the wrong person, my husband, was teaching me the right lesson about life with the pain he put me through…indirectly…I thank you…and this will help me to forgive you.  And that  will help set me free….




I had put a child to sleep
a voiceless tortured child
and very wounded too

I felt I was doing a good thing
I had put this child to sleep
to put her mind at ease

This child had been put
through so much
pain too much to bear

I didn’t cradle this child
I didn’t hold this child
I just let this child fall to sleep

No blankie to hold
no teddy to hug
this child was on her own

Like a negligent mother
I threw her in a room
and slammed the door shut

Sleep now I’m too busy
I was too busy for her now
I had a life to live now

I’m the child I speak of
the child is my pain I speak of
all tucked away from me

That pain was never cared for
never nurtured or caressed
still left and abandoned

Success shows how much
I have healed on the outside
but what about the inside




Something happened to me today and I didn’t know how to take it. I was very flattered when she asked if she could do a portal to lead her people to my article. The link was attached to her Facebook. HER PICTURE HAD MY PICTURE OF WHEN I WAS A LITTLE WHALE! And do you know what the name of their page was…come on do you know???? Women who think too much!!! Ha! And there is a picture of me a fat little porky pig right under that phrase!!

I guess what bothered me about the picture was that it was a reminder of how very very sad I was back then, my soul was broken. My life was miserable. I was unloved. Oh My God it was hard just to go on and it was hard to see myself and be reminded at how hard life was for me emotionally again. I didn’t want to be reminded! And I looked like a fat tamale! Damn I looked like a meat ball!!

Holy moly I about lost my mind! So I asked this reader, what is this about? Well turns out they really liked my blog. If I would have calmed down a little I would have seen that right above my picture was a phrase that said, “Good Blogging”. Oh…ok. This was actually a compliment. She was linking her peeps to my blog, not mocking me that I was a little porky pig that thought too much. I sent her a message, “Ha! I guess I was thinking too much.”

You heard the saying if the shoe fits, of course you have, who hasn’t. I am not going to pretend that I am not codependent so maybe I need to be her poster child for codependents. That is fine with me. I know that it has been part of my healing. Someone that is codependent is going to have such a hard time dealing with divorce and I know that I haven’t even spoken of my codependency. Who wants to admit to that. I have likened myself to a piece of gum on his shoe. I just could not get closer to him and he just could not get far enough from me. Thank you God for taking that obsession away from me. I don’t know when it happened.

So yes I will wear that label, a woman that thinks too much and I will wear it well. I think too much…my mind is like a cafeteria of children who have had too much sugar and there are no adults to supervise them….chitter chatter…talk talk talk…sometimes it has no rhyme or reason…but I will tell you something…there is always something unusual and interesting being said in there…stick around, you’ll see!


251350_4468369234894_1357005607_n[1]San Diego Trip 001


I have discovered it doesn’t matter what you look like, a man will cheat on you or will leave you. I wanted to share my pictures of what I looked like in my marriage when I was depressed. This was what my life was destined to be like. Loving a man that could not love me back was what life was all about, it is no wonder that I shoved everything I could in to my face and found solace in food. And the second picture is me now. I am happy now.



Spying On Your Ex Man!!! 3.15.13

Imagine if you will, a woman wearing an all-black cat suit, hair pulled back tight in a long pony tail. She is prowling in the late night…the music to mission impossible is playing in the background. She jumps crawls out the window of a tall building and creeps up to another window and secretly comes to a room where a man is caressing the face of another woman. The lady in black takes out a pen that turns out to be a camera and starts taking pictures of this secret rendezvous. Then pulls out a tiny cone like device and points it towards the window. There she is able to hear the entire conversation, “Oh yes my darling Matilda, it was you all along, I have put away millions of dollars away from my wife and children so I can run away with you and we can live in the Bahamas forever…”

People don’t call me drama mama for nothing…you love the drama don’t you! Uh yeah but that is besides the point I always say…

Do you spy on your ex? I did. We are doing it in two pieces here. There are two reasons to spy on your ex:

1. You want to find out the the mo fo is screwing around and you want to find out who the dirty ho is!
2. You have a stinkin’ suspicion he really is holding out on you, financially. You know or have a stinkin’ suspicion he really did have an affair and did you wrong and there is proof to be had… AND

Guess what kids…It’s  “Catalina’s, Oh My God You Went Through That…Life” story time!!!! Yay!!!!! Now kids, this is not a fairy tale, it a true story, but gather round…Once upon a time a lady name Catalina was having an awful hard time with her hubby coming home at night and she would wonder where the hell is that sorry sap at night! So she knew he always had his beers in the garage with his friends at night when he did come home. So she put a voice activated recorder in there and waited patiently. Now this took a month but one night her, not so charming hubby went into the garage with his buddy and Catalina made sure he knew she was far away and even went to her mama’s house. That next morning she retrieved that recorder and this is what she heard…

“…yeah she is so stupid she don’t even know I put her phone number under my bosses name so she will never find it…” So guess what Catalina did. That night when her hubby was asleep she went into his wallet and got the bosses phone number then the following day called the number pretending the be the health department stating that …and yes I knew her full name…had been exposed with Gonorrhea by a (insert my hubby’s name here) and she needed to be tested immediately. The only thing stupid about me was that I stayed after that.

So obviously my reason was number 1. So is that your reason? We are assuming that you are separated, so why do you want to know, I guess if it is like a cousin or sister or friend or someone that is betraying you then yeah it is a good thing. But let’s me. I found out. Wow I was really big and bad huh, had one over him huh! Really? I stayed with him!!! What it really showed him is that he could cheat on me and get away with it! I was a woman that allowed a man to cheat on her and it was ok. My actions showed this so what was the use of my spying…it was of no good. I was better off being stupid and never knowing anything because then I really wouldn’t have looked AS stupid! I thought I was showing him, HE SHOWED ME! So if you are still in a relationship and are thinking of spying, think twice, what are you going to do with that info sister.

Next we go to reason #2. Maybe you are going through a divorce and you want it to help out your case. You need to be careful here, there are laws out there that could protect him. Are there any restraining orders against you…Now, now I am not assuming that you have them. I have done some crazy wife things and got real close to getting one…you know stabbing the car wheel with an ice pick…so if you have one I am not throwing stones. I am as real as they come. We hold no secrets here and there is no shame here either. I never pretend be anything I am not. As Popeye says, I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam. So girlie be real careful out there, if you have any restraining orders I suggest you get a hobby or a boyfriend or duct tape yourself to your apartment because you do not deserve to get yourself into any trouble.

Spying that is legal is if you have proof that he has been carrying on with another woman, spending both of your monies on another woman and used your home computer to chit chat with her AND YOU ARE ABLE TO ACCESS HIS CONVERSATION WITHOUT A PASSWORD!!!

I heard of a case where a woman put a GPS system in their family vehicle and since he was driving on public streets and she was able to track him going to his mistress’ place, she was able to use this in court.
Check with your attorney, if you have other proof, you may be onto something, because sometimes once it is on public display, an email could be admissible in court. Always consult your attorney beforehand.

If this is an obsession, you just can’t stop. You think he might be seeing someone now. You just gotta see what he is doing. You are driving by his place a million times in the middle of the night…stuff like that. Yah…you need to talk someone….I know that doesn’t feel good and the more you do it the more you want to do it. It is like a drug, you need to do it, you can’t stop. Stopping cold turkey is the only way to do it…contact CODA…Codependents Anonymous if you feel you really need help with this issue. Nothing to be ashamed of. You can google it.

I read on someone’s Face Book and it happened to be a guy so I bet he was a victim, but it said, a jealous woman is better than any spy in the FBI….Oh how true that it!



My Man Made Me Feel Like Nothing 3.14.13

It has taken me 30 years and I am like a spiritual Ghandi like transformation taking form this year. I don’t know what finally hit me in the face and said, wake up! No let’s make it like a movie…I have walked up to a glowing bush that talks to me and says, and so I say, this is how it is..and my brain absorbs the truth and grasps it.

Ok I am babbling. We all know right from wrong to a point right, don’t be with a loser…leave him but we say in a whiney voice…but I can’t, I love him so….wah wah. The righteous one would say, hey dude, you are a loser, hit the road jack…and don’t you come back no mo, no mo no mo, no mo!

Am I saying I am the “Righteous One” now, follow me in my white robe and kiss my toes…no of course not (unless you really want to)…but if you don’t, I have been in enough pain that something in my brain finally snapped and said no more. Let me let you in on a little secret, a lot of our pain is self-created…yup…and most of it is prolonged by guess who…yup again..ourselves. Pain is inevitable…that means…it is part of life…some of it. What are you hurting about…Make a list…I have to continue again on this one because baby I dealt with it and it crippled me and it hurt me and it gave me pain…pain I didn’t have to have. It was pain I created in my own head.

I felt like nothing. Let me tell you my husband laughed at my body, he cheated on me, I found condoms in our car, underwear in our couch when I was 7 months pregnant, I had broken eardrums, a broken rib, black eyes and so on from confronting him on his hos, he called me names like fat ass, you ain’t worth nothing…forget the violin bring me the whole damn orchestra!

I blamed him, I blamed him, I blamed him because I felt like nothing. I stayed with him because who would want me. For sure if he didn’t want me damn I better make sure he stays with me cause nobody is going to want a fat ass like me. Was it his fault…well yeah he was a mean son of a bitch…but let’s be real here. Damn if I would have had some good ol’ self confidence in myself I would have said, boy nobody cheats on this fine azz chick…(I checked in the mirror..I am pretty fine) NEXT!!!! It wouldn’t have had to get ugly to the point where I was accusing, finding, fighting, getting hit, getting put down during fights…I would have been gone and either been on my own or with someone who seen me as who I am, a beautiful, loving, funny woman.

So again I ask, did my ex make me feel like nothing? Did your ex make you feel like nothing? NO!! BECAUSE YOU ALREADY FELT LIKE NOTHING!!! You heard that saying by our good ol’ president’s wife Eleanor Roosevelt, “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” Baby if we don’t approve of ourselves, it shows in how you act. You walk around with this feeling about yourself…If you don’t approve of yourself, how could you really love you. If you don’t really love you, how can anyone really love you?

Now really think about it, if you don’t approve of yourself you have a big road block right in front of you that is keeping you from going forward. You need that road block gone cause you need to get over butt head, you need to make a life for yourself, you need to be happy joyous and free, you need to be successful in any way you choose.. HOW CAN YOU DO IT IF YOU THINK YOU ARE A BIG OL’ PIECE OF POOP! You are going to have a hard time getting there, let me tell ya!

Are we on the same page? Are we believing that those obstacles are of our own making and ARE ALL IN OWN MIND!!! AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A MAN!!

By the way the big caps are me grabbing you by the shoulders shaking the hell out of you and trying to yell some sense into you. If I could I would slap you around a little bit if I knew it would help, and if I knew you wouldn’t slap me back.

Moving right along…I feel it in my bones. I feel you sitting there nodding profusely agreeing with me…am I right…course I’m right…cause I approve of myself so I am never wrong. Next step. Let’s approve of ourself! Yikes…the audience grows quiet….not an easy task and it takes time…

You need to accept yourself as you are, the whole package, the whole enchilada. Go in front of a full length mirror, yeah I know not that many people have them and I don’t want you driving around to department stores looking for one so a bathroom mirror is fine. Look into it and smile. What is your first reaction. Does it feel good or are you looking at eww, look at that big nose, man my forehead is a five head or muffin top !

Ok chickees this is not a good sign…not a good sign at all but perfectly normal. We as a society have been trained to be humble, or through childhood we were put down..BUT ALL THAT IS BLAH BLAH TO US NOW!!!…we don’t care where we come from, what happened to us anymore, we are looking forward now. Leaving the past behind us now cause we want to be better and the past serves us of no good anymore. We are done blaming society, our parents, our ex, no more pointing fingers…you know what they say….when you point fingers there are three fingers pointing back at you..silly huh.

Self-acceptance. I want you to write a list of what you don’t like about you. Want to know something. I remember being a youngster and my list was a mile long. I was going to do this with you and I have been working on this self-acceptance thing so much for a whole year to write my list for you I had to stand in front of my mirror and almost make things up at what I don’t like about myself. Is that weird. I can honestly say that the only thing that wish I could change is that I have a fatty pooch on my abdomen…this made me smile because I still have all the things that I had. I can remember the list I had…let me remember:

• Skin too dark (as Hispanics, the lighter you were the more beautiful you are considered)
• Large nose
• Chicken legs
• Flat butt
• Fat belly
• The skin on my hands was wrinkled
• Too shy, don’t talk enough
• Not pretty
• Eye color

This is just a tip of the iceberg…see what I mean about creating our own misery. I would cry because I thought I was not pretty. Now I am not being conceited. It was low self-esteem. I am pretty!
Golly Gee Catalina How Did You Do It!

Simple…It really is. You are going to think, this is silly and you won’t do it and the people who do it and going to feel fabulous in a year and you won’t and will be going nani nani nani!

1. Be ok with who you are. THE WAY YOU ARE! Fat skinny, black, white, Asian, short, tall, WHATEVER, you are what you are and so get used to it cause that is the package you were dealt with so learn to accept it and be happy with it! I have chicken legs and I wore pants only when I was young, you best believe I sport the shortest shorts now, cause I don’t care what anyone thinks. I love my legs…I will get on top of a rooftop and yell…I LOVE MY CHICKEN LEGS!!! I will throw on some stilettos and a skirt and walk around like my shit don’t stink and you know what I feel good about myself…CIAO!!!

2. Stop looking for approval from others. When I started this blog it my son said, mom you should
think about changing your picture so people could take you serious…look at my picture…I am wearing rainbow
rave in pig tails…I told him. This is who I am. I am not going to change for anyone and
the blogs are going to be about learning to accept yourself too. Know what he said…Rock on mom. I was so
happy he approved…Ha!!! Just kidding…I could care less, I wasn’t going to change it regardless! I am
kooky, eccentric…this is me…take it or leave it. Give you an example, I found this really cool kimono
looking blouse at this thrift store, put it on…hmm wouldn’t it look cool if I put my hair in a bun, wow.
Grabbed some chop sticks threw them in my hair criss cross. Hey! Thought it would really add to the
Japanese ensemble if I wear my eyeliner in a long line. Oh yeah…perfect. Now mind you I have a government
job and yep, I went to work that way. My coworkers always look forward to what is Catalina up to now!
That’s me! Don’t like it, look away, I make me happy and that is what my life is about now, HOW DO I MAKE

3. Buy Louise Hay books and read them. She was my Godsend.

4. Last get that list and burn it..BURN IT SISTER! All this is part of us. If you think you are too
chubby. Accept if for now, cause if you don’t it won’t do you a speck of good trying to lose weight
cause people eat cause they are miserable. You have to be happy with yourself then you can change
so for now honey accept yourself for what you are and then we can work on changing what we are
unhappy with.

There are a lot of things I repeat from blog to blog, I repeat what I find important. Self-esteem is one that I will probably go on and on about because, man it is so important to us women, it saved my life and it was the turning point that took me out of the poop hole I was living in my mind. The key word is self-approval here. This beautiful song says it all, he can take everyting you hve, but you can still rise up from the ground! Enjoy!




If you are obsessed you know who you are. Calling him a million and one times. Checking his Face book, who the hell is that friend, she is kind of slutty looking, damn I can’t look at her wall, let me shoot him a text, he didn’t answer, let me shoot him how I really feel, but I forgot to say about this other feeling so I need to send him another text and the text is 20 inches long and you are starting to get callused on your thumbs or index finger depending on how you text. DAMN AND ONCE YOU START HOW DO YOU STOP!!! Is doing drugs any different!!! I don’t think so, it becomes an addiction!!!

Men become fixes to us. They become like a drug. They decide how our day is going to go. Did he answer and give us the attention that we required, yes. Well then our day is going to be ok. No? Well then our day is going to be about why the hell is he not answering us, where the hell is he, and who the hell is he bleeping!! We can’t focus on anything else! We snap, we stare at our phone, oh boy our phone better stay by our side because maybe just maybe he is going to call us any second.

Ok you decide. It is over, he has neglected you, he has led you to go crazy and made you feel like this, he obviously cares nothing about you and probably is with somebody else so this time you are done. So you shoot him a text that you are done. This time you mean it, you may even do an Adele like message, I wish you well in your life, I wish you no harm. Good luck. Good bye. Aloha and all that good stuff. Send. Done. Whew that feels good. Now you can move on and live your life!

Five minutes later, that mother, good for nothing…you don’t wish him well. You pick up your phone again. Send him another text. This time the text is, “You are nothing but a piece of bleep bleep, and I hope you rot in bleep bleep!”

Argh Argh Argh!!! Pure and sheer madness! I don’t know how many of you have been there, I have and it is the most horrible horrible crazy making madness that we could put ourselves in, I repeat, THAT WE COULD PUT OURSELVES IN!!!

I feel your pain love, I really do, you say nobody understands, I have been there, I do, but let me tell you something, you are killing your sanity and we have to stop you. You are saying Yes help me! Ok lets!

It is called the “No Contact” assignment and it goes like this:
1. Get that phone and put it out of your reach! (But wait you say what if there is some emergency and they really need to reach you. Do you remember 20 years ago. There were no cells and people got a hold of people when there were emergencies so relax).

While at work, what I would do is put my phone in my car and leave it there. I would do it for periods of time. I would not allow myself my phone while I was at work the entire day. Just like an alcoholic must stay away from a drink, you have to see this as an obsession, an addiction and you have to take it one minute at a time. I cannot call him for a minute, then an hour then a day.

2. No Texting!

3. No driving by his house!

4. Face Book, UNFRIEND!  Yes you heard me right, you need to unfriend him right now because you don’t need to see his activities.  Plus you know you are going to be obsessing with putting up posts to try to make him jealous.  No!  You need to unfriend him now!

Stop any action you are finding that is becoming obsessive. Be honest with yourself. Keep your dignity. What man wants a woman who is chasing after him like a loony. Sit down and watch Fatal Attraction. You could end up with a restraining order. I don’t mean to sound insensitive, it happens.

YOU HAVE TO FIND OTHER ACTIVITIES TO DISTRACT YOUR MIND!!! This is so much easier said then done because at first he is first and foremost the first thing in your head. He is the first thing you think of when you wake up and when you go to bed. Ya have to change this baby, he just isn’t worth the energy. Don’t make him important when you are not even a priority.