What does it mean that I miss you
I don’t want you back
I don’t want you as mine
But I miss you to talk to
And the exchange of our words
A funny thing happened
So I picked up the phone
Then I remembered I hated you
And put down the phone
You moved on and I was bitter
But not because it should be me
Why am I bitter then
This is just a whole mess
So I picked up the phone
Till I heard you answer hello
I said I miss you my friend
Why can’t we be friends
All along he was thinking
The same thing as me
We chatted for quite a bit
About this and a little of that
I laughed and I listened
Not to my husband or my love
but the father of my kids
Just as it was promised
If I forgave and prayed
My heart would be free
And so it is and so it is…
Freedom from anger
Freedom from pain
Now free to be friends
What a gift to my children!
I CHOOSE TO STOP HATING MY HUSBAND!
As I look back at my blogs, they are kinda bashing on my ex aren’t they. But that is ok, because he really was not a nice person to me. Why is it that everyone that knows him thinks he is the nicest person in the world? Could it be my forcing him to be where he didn’t want to be (with me) made him the most miserable person and he lashed out at the person he was miserable at…me. Maybe.
Things have changed now that we are not together. Now that I am not his live in wife (the divorce is not final yet). He is very cordial, polite, generous, giving. For instance, he found out that my car was having problems starting. He came over and cleaned my battery terminals and they work fine. He found out that my daughter will be moving out and I will have to live alone and he told me as he was leaving me yesterday if I need anything, help financially, help with my car, help with moving, or getting a place, anything, don’t hesitate to call him, he will help anyway he can. He said if I need to take the car to the mechanic just take it and bill it to him. WOW!!!
When he asked me for a divorce, he pretty much destroyed an entire family. My daughter and I were asked to leave the house we were living with his mother and him because his mother was not getting along with my daughter. His mother is his only living relative left and she is in the hospital and I don’t give her more than a couple months to live with her Cancer. My family is a very large loving Hispanic family that he lost when he asked me for a divorce. He will have only my 2 kids as his family. I have a large support system and he is left in a large 4 bedroom house alone which I guess he won’t stay single forever.
I am just reflecting at the growth he has made as a human being. He sees now what he lost, he tells the kids how much he misses me, how the house seems empty without me, the house doesn’t seem like a home anymore, and my cooking…oh how he misses my cooking too. My kids have had to tell him to leave me alone that I am doing good being by myself and not to ruin things, so he grudgingly agrees.
I am saying all this because I want the world to know that in my heart I totally forgive my husband for everything. To me he has changed his ways and is now a wonderful father to my kids and is attempting to aid me in my independence. I think he has turned out to be a good man in God’s eyes. My forgiving him is important to me in my healing because I need to not harbor any resentments that could keep me ill and bitter. I like that peace that fills my heart and that weight that has been lifted from my heart. I like to feel he is a good man and just does the best he does with what he had. Nobody can judge another because we don’t know the path they had to walk through. Actually I do know the path he had to go through and it was a pretty bad one and that is why I choose to forgive him. It was a path full of violence and one of no physical love and that is why I choose to forgive him.
So today I am choosing to release all anger against my husband so that I may heal and be a better person. I hope others will follow suit.
FATHER’S DAY DOESN’T INCLUDE ME ANYMORE…
It was Father’s Day. I didn’t like it. I felt left out. I felt prepared and everything. I mean come on it isn’t like my ex is “my” father or anything. Not to mention I had the best Mother’s Day ever.
I knew it was coming too because the day before I felt some sadness in me, an inexplainable sadness when I heard that the kids were taking him to eat and I just swallowed hard and thought, “Yeah and what, I had my day, good for them.” I carried on with my day.
As the hours went by, a veil of sadness became heavier and heavier and denser and denser. I realized that I was feeling not part of. This was my first Father’s Day in a broken family. Now why didn’t Valentine’s Day feel bad, or Christmas or such. Well I guess because my kids still included me in those days, but this day was a total, YOU ARE NOT PART OF THIS DAY!
In face I mentioned something to my daughter and she gave me this caca face and said in this big time incredulous face, “You’re wanting to go with us for Father’s Day?” Of course my caca incredulous face had to beat hers as I said, “Hell no!” What a little smart butt, HOW RUDE!!!
But it is true, I am no longer part of this day. This day belongs to my childre and their dad period! No reason to take it personal. Let bigones be bigones, let it be none of my business and don’t let my ego get involved in this. Am I so self absorbed that it must always be about me me me! This is not the playground and it isn’t kids playing and they won’t let me play. It is my children going to spend time with their father, don’t read so much into it and go do something else with your day, I told myself!
Ok I had to get myself out of these blues, so I got dressed, called up my mother and said let’s go have Fathers Day’s together. She was gung Ho! So I did, had breakfast with my mom and kept myself busy.
BUT….I was a good sport and called my ex and wished him a Happy Father’s Day. We talked like friends for a few minutes and hung up. Wasn’t that grown up of me, I think so. Life goes on right?
LEAVE THE LOVE IN MY HEART ALONE!
I am realizing he will always have part of my heart and I have to realize that that is ok.
I have to get to a point where that small part he has in my heart is like a small potted flower and it is ok to nourish its beauty because no matter what, it is my love and my love will always be part of who I am, and that is always beautiful. It doesn’t mean I am carrying a torch for him. It doesn’t mean I am still “in” love with him. It doesn’t even mean I want him back.
It means there is a beauty in me, a part of me that is so special and unique and I am made of pure love. That is how God made me and that is how I wish to continue to stay. I don’t want to continue to hate anyone. My anger for him returns a lot and it hurts me more than it hurts him. I don’t want to live like that anymore.
I pray that my heart one day will be released of all the anger completely so that I can feel more joy than I feel anger and that the days of joy grow and grow. I want the space in my heart to have less and less room for anger and more and more room for just joy and love. One day all that ugliness and bitterness will have no room to come into my heart because my heart will be so full of joy and pure love, I see that as the highest form of happiness.
DO YOU WANT A BETTER LIFE…I DO!
I feel this as sort as a testimony. I started this blog as sort as a place where I vented against my ugly monster husband. Yesterday when I saw him, I gave him a sincere hug. I am realizing something miraculous happening in my life people that I cannot understand. I am feeling miracles happening all around me, what I ask for, what I wish for happens but this is when I strive for this goal and keep my positive attitude. As soon as I start doubting myself, poof, I know my dream will no longer come true. I wanted a certain job, poof I got it, I wanted to start writing a blog, I got it, my divorce, my happiness, small things, the larger things, well, I realize that I have to have patience and dream big and work big for those thing.
I was watching Joel Olstein this weekend and he said a lecture and he said whatever you want can be yours if you truly believe and set your mind to it. I will write my book, I am setting it out into the universe right now, and it will be successful. I will have my own house and drive a nice car and be truly independent. My life is a tight rosebud right now but I see it slowly slowy loosening its petals wanting to open, God is my sun that I am pointing towards to help me bloom.
I will bloom in all its glory, I will be glorious!!
MY DREAM ANGEL IS WARNING ME NOT TO KNOCK THE SH*T OUT OF MY HUSBAND!!!
Alrighty people grab some popcorn time to trip out. One would think my dreams are flashbacks from Woodstock doing Acid with Janis Joplin but I was actually still just a teeny weeny widdle baby in the 60’s. I have a totally more innocent theory AND I totally believe this beautiful theory.
See, I believe in God and Angels and they do come into your dreams and konk you on the head with their pixie dust and say, yo’ this is a warning. Well maybe they don’t say yo’, but they do come into your dreams.
So trip out on my dream. Yeah, yeah, it made me jump up at four in the morning boo hooing and writing over a pot of coffee so I could have all my loving WordPress peeps read how my kaleidoscope brain processes. Believe me sometimes it is too much for me!
Ok on to my dream.
My kids were young, I have a son and daughter. We are driving in a red beat up truck and for some reason we are in Tijuana amongst the vast Mexican population. (Don’t throw tomatoes, I am Mexican and besides, you think I don’t know we are not VAST!)
Anyways, my daughter tells me, “Look mommy, daddy could do the rectangle poke and make all his bones poke out cause he is in shape. Of course I ask what that is. So he flexes and I see his hip bone poke out, his shoulder bone poke out, his back bone poke out, AND HIS PENIS POKE OUT!!!
I lose it and start screaming at him, “What is wrong with you gross dog, put your dick away!” He doesn’t but continues to flex his body with all his “bones” poking out and he spats at me, “You are just jealous cause you are not in shape like me you porkster!”
I reach over my kids head and just start slapping the sh*t out of him. Whack! Whack! Whack! Slapping him all over his smug stupid face!
Casually he picks up his phone and calls his boss and says he is going to be late for work because he is going to call the police to charge me for battery. Holy smokes, I look to see if I could jump out of the truck to get away but I realize we are driving through swamps and for some reason I have no shoes, why don’t I have any shoes? He eyes me with this smirk like I got you.
Then all of a sudden we reach a border. I told you we were in Tijuana right, ok just checking. Well we start approaching this border, but it was a different kind of border we are about the cross and my husband looks at the border and then looks at me totally confused. A feeling of serenity sweeps over me and I call for my children to come to me and as they do he starts stuttering like a confused dumb duck. As I take the hands of my children and start to exit the truck I tell my husband, “This is the border where the dream ends David. I only hit you in my dream not in real life. So in real life you can’t press charges on me or put me in jail, because I only did it to you in my dreams.”
So with both my kids I turned away leaving him in his Tijuana red beat up truck and I walked away from him and I could still hear him still stuttering and stammering. I just continued to walk and started to eat some bacon. Yeah, bacon. I don’t know where the bacon came from, must have something to do with him calling me porkster.
There was a long line of women walking away from their men holding the hands of their children leaving their past behind as they crossed the dream border and into reality..
And I woke up
Yeah, yeah I woke up in tears because that is who I am, a crybaby and I believe in messages from my angels. I have been known to get violent too. Not just my husband, but me too, I know I leave those blogs out, how fancy of me huh.
See tomorrow I am supposed to go “alone in a car” with my husband to see a tax specialist and it will be the first time we spend any time together since the break-up. This visit is because he committed tax fraud and my entire pension is at risk of being wiped out. So isn’t that the perfect formula for such:
Me alone in a car with spouse + my pension being wiped out = beat the sh*t out of my spouse!
It doesn’t take a calculator to figure that out. Now you tell me my angels didn’t send me a message. All that ugliness is the past now, it is no longer how I function. I have my children by my side whether they are grown or small. They look upon me to make right choices? I no longer have to react by my emotions like I did in the past, whether it be because of anger seeing him of bad news I get regarding my taxes. I need to keep my emotions at bay. Slowly I am learning…very slowly…
But I am getting there.
Divorcee Got Wings
A Bit of Me in Every Key Stroke
I'm divorcing a narcissist after 8 years of crazy. This is my story of getting out and healing from the abuse.