My blogs have stopped because I felt I was unworthy of giving empowering words. Things were easy when I thought he was missing me and oh well I have a boyfriend who shows me attention. Life is great, I’m great and this divorce thing is a piece of cake…
Then I kept getting dumped and the horror…I couldn’t find a stable guy, they had no jobs, were criminals, or just plain losers…and I’m amazing aren’t I? Yet he was horrible and he had the girls tearing down his door.
I was alone, back at mom’s…and he settled down with someone. I found her kicking back at the home we were supposed to raise our grandchildren in. She was pretty, was nice, had a career…AND WAS 15 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!
This is what we call needing to accept reality. As I had in the past, I am trying for the millionth time, to pick myself up and start all over again from scratch.
Situation: I felt humiliated, rejected, depressed because my husband dumped me and got a new young, woman.
Get control of yourself! This is only going to happen if I accept he moved on.
Start the process over:
• Grieve: I know I did a lot of this. I am the “wah-wah” woman. I got this part down.
• Realize: This is reality, I had to grasp that I was no longer his wife and he is his own person. People move on and isn’t that what I want for myself so why was I chastising him as a horrible human being. I know it is hard, but what if a man is placed in front of me and they say “Love him and spend the rest of your life with him.” But I couldn’t.
We can’t force ourselves to feel for somebody. Should he have to stay in a relationship where he just can’t love me? Is that not selfish of me? The reality is, it’s not his fault if he doesn’t have feelings for me.
• Have Patience: This hurt will not last forever. I must trust the process of life, happiness, sadness, tragedy and finally peace. But the process has needs active participation from me.
• Forgive: I have to learn to forgive him and yup, that woman he is porking too. Yuck, it was hard, it is so very hard.
• Accept: Acceptance is necessary, and at some point, I need not fight the past. It means seeing things clearly.
Remember I am forgiving for myself, not for him. I never have to say the words to him. I am doing it as a healing practice so I can live and be happy again.
I need to always remember that I am in control of my happiness and it is none of my business anymore what he is doing, we are no longer together.
“One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, is to forgive.”
I can be on the treadmill and close my eyes and reach a point of stillness, of silence and drown out the clinging of the weights, the booming of the music. A place of peace and serenity. A place I never have been before.
A year and a half ago I was forced out of the house I was living with my husband because my mother-in-law owned the house. A couple months before my husband had already asked me for a divorce and I was sleeping on the couch. I knew the marriage was over, I think, I wasn’t sure. I mean we have said it a million times before and it never happened so I think in the back of my head it might have been a hollow threat.
“Sure you want a divorce, fine I will give you one!”
But in the back of my head I thought maybe we would get back together when his mother would die. She was dying of terminal Cancer and she and my daughters’ fighting was one of the reasons we were fighting.. Guess what he offered. He told me he had an extra room because after my daughter moved out he didn’t want me to live by myself.
Ok let’s think about that. That sounds like roommate talk no? Then I find out he has a girlfriend. Ok this is becoming more real. Now I find out he doesn’t want me back anymore.
Now let’s get this straight, I would never ever go back to him. I know he will never ever make me happy. This is not the issue. I am a sick puppy here because listen to what the issue is.
I wanted him to be in that big house all by himself, so depressed and cursing the day he ever let me go. I wanted him to ask me to come home as a wife and me tell him, no you hurt me and I never want you back. I wanted him to apologize for what he did. I wanted him to realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Guess what people. He moved on and didn’t look back. The girls really like him, he has a big house because of his mother leaving it to him so he has something to offer. Whew. Well that Karma didn’t quite work out like I wanted it to and I have a lot of work to do on myself on getting over this resentment that I have on things not being fair. Because in the scheme of life I will make my life happy. Life with him was not supposed to be and that pain was not for nothing, feel it and let it go…let it go! My time will come because I am a good person. But the most important thing of all. Don’t obsess over him because it is none of my business what life deals him, good or bad, it just is out of my control whether he becomes a bum or a millionaire. That is too much energy spent on him. If I could spend that much energy spent on myself, I could turn that negative energy into positive energy and do something useful to bring myself up.
So this is my main focus in my life right now, dealing with my resentments and learning to let them go. Not let my ex live in my head rent free. I am learning some pretty cool meditation tools to learn to still my mind for that endless chatter and it is helpful.
So if you are dealing with anger and it is eating you up, you have some forgiveness you have to work on because it will eat you alive.
When I think he has a house and a girlfriend, I remind myself, yeah but I have a mom that is still alive, and man I would rather have my mom more than any man or any house. It is all in how you see things.
Peace be with me…Peace be with you and may all our resentments leave us so we may live in serenity and have peace in our hearts….that isn’t asking too much is it?
What does it mean that I miss you
I don’t want you back
I don’t want you as mine
But I miss you to talk to
And the exchange of our words
A funny thing happened
So I picked up the phone
Then I remembered I hated you
And put down the phone
You moved on and I was bitter
But not because it should be me
Why am I bitter then
This is just a whole mess
So I picked up the phone
Till I heard you answer hello
I said I miss you my friend
Why can’t we be friends
All along he was thinking
The same thing as me
We chatted for quite a bit
About this and a little of that
I laughed and I listened
Not to my husband or my love
but the father of my kids
Just as it was promised
If I forgave and prayed
My heart would be free
And so it is and so it is…
Freedom from anger
Freedom from pain
Now free to be friends
What a gift to my children!
Today is a new day!. Day before yesterday I walked into my exes house to find that I have been replaced now with a younger more beautiful woman and I turned around embarrassed, and broke down.
Two days later I woke up this morning and realized I had a nightmare about him and his beautiful replacement and realized I am haunted by this. I feel like I have PTSD…Post Traumatic Syndrome…am I being dramatic…probably…but come on give it to me.
I feel like I had been to war and seen the most gruesome debilitating vision and it has tainted my psyche forever…seeing another woman in the house where I was supposed to live forever with my husband. Now I am waking up with haunting dreams. It is something nobody should have to witness right? Somebody give me my Sponge Bob Square Pants Jammies with the feet in them and my teddy bear because I need something to soothe the owie in my heart AND MY BRAIN!!
Oh my God how do you shut that damn thing off from reinacting the scene over and over. Ok here I walked out. I wished I would have embarrassed him. Why didn’t I sat down and very cooly say something like, “Oh hello, you know woman to woman you need to know that I am the one who left him because of his bizarre sex acts and believe me he will be wanting to put soda bottles up his anus. I am telling this to you woman to woman because I wish someone would have warned me.”
Then look at him and tell him, “and stop calling me for the last time I will not sleep with you one last time!” and walk away.
Damn!!! I just think now of all these great ideas.
Worse…I started thinking….see he had testicular Cancer and it is remission and I thought, darn if it only woke up again and he died I could get the house and it would be mine and and….then I thought…wow…what an evil thought.
But alas…someone upstairs must have intervened because the solution came to me as I was driving. It was advice I had given so many others. It was so obvious that I was suffering from a raging horrible case of resentment.
That resentment was keeping the story alive in my head and making me have evil thoughts, making me have balls of anger in my stomach, making me sad, making me feel sorry for myself, making me feel he was a villain that should be gone from this Earth.
Somehow, someway I had to find it in me to forgive him and wish him well. Get over it and be happy for him…WHAT!!!
yes you heard right. It was the only way to kill the Cancer growing in my heart and brain and believe me it was growing. I needed to understand him as a human being and wish him happiness because I want peace. I was not doing this for him, this was for me. I could care less if he stubbed his baby toe on the corner and it split in two, but I didn’t want to live the way I was living or feel like I was feeling, not one day more.
So I prayed. Dear God, I wasn’t that happy with my husband at the end anyways. I forgive my husband for hurting me the way he did so that I could be released from this pain and be at peace and we can both find happiness even if it isn’t with each other.
I will keep this short and I will keep it…well it can’t be sweet because I am not feeling so sweet. I started this blog to show how empowered I was because a year ago I moved out on my own with my daughter from a 29 year marriage. It was a chance for the world to follow me on my journey as I gained independence. I did that for the most part.
I did that for the most part. I actually survived a year out in the world without him.
We became friends, I would stop off at his house and see my pets, I can’t have pets at my apartment so he says stop off anytime to see them so I did.
Well I knocked, he answered the door and let me in and there on the couch was another woman. My husband has another woman right there on the couch next to him. He politely introduced her and I politely said hi and we shook hands. Now see I did not know it was his girlfriend because she was so young and my sons friend was also in the living room I thought it was his girlfriend. But as I was walking away to go to the other room out of the corner of my eye I seen the friend shake her hand too. WHAT!
I went to my sons room and said, “Who is that lady?” He said it was his dads friend. My heart ripped in two. I snuck out the back door and left, my son was yelling at me not to leave like this. I was bawling. I drove and drove and was heaving from crying so hard.
His mother convinced us to buy this tore up house because she had terminal cancer because she wanted to leave me and my husband a house. The entire family flipped this house with our blood sweat and sometime tears..with our hands. We layed carpet, went to Home Depot as a family picking swatches of what color we wanted our rooms and painted. We did the landscaping, did the interior decorating. We even custom made an extra room to around my favorite humoungous leather sectional couch that was so big because that was the comfy room that I wanted when my people came to visit and we could all fit and watch tv. This was where I would raise my grandkids.
This was the house I was kicked out because when my husband asked for a divorce his mother was still alive and it was legally still her house and she would have my daughter and I escorted out by the police if we didn’t. Which she did happen to do, the police physically removed my daughter from the house.
So to see another woman sitting comfortably next to my husband in that house was a blow I don’t care if I had dated also. I dated to try to get over him, he had been dated because he WAS over me.
But this is part of my journey. This is a slap of reality that somehow has knocked me obviously flat down face first on the floor and I have to get up and put one foot in front of the other and do this thing called life. Anyone going through what I am going through knows what I am talking about. You ride the pain and you know it is there but you don’t let it dominate you. You don’t let it consume you. I have my moments that I break down and I excuse myself and I come back to my desk and I get back to work. I will survive this because I know the more pain I can survive the stronger it will make me. And that is what I want. Because the choice is mine, what am I going to choose, start calling him…I love you don’t do this…come back to me…lay on my couch bawling…get a big bottle of vodka and numb my problems away or I can see the reality of this. I cannot control people place or things. And know when you expose your open wound to sunshine, fresh air in time it starts the process of stopping to bleed then slowly the wound closes and starts to heal…as I will.
MY HEART ACHED FOR MY HUSBAND
Today I had a heavy heart. It was for my husband. You see I have a gift that I like to call intuition, some people call me bruja, some people call me gifted, others see it as going against God because you shouldn’t see what the future brings. Hey it isn’t my fault and it only happens sometimes. My sister had a dream that included him, my sister thinks of him often. My heavy heart comes because he made a horrible mistake breaking up his family. It was the worst thing that could have happened to him, yet the best thing that could have happened to me and he is witnessing the effects of it all.
He will see my happiness continue to grow and it saddens me. I would never rub anything in his nose like, “Nanny, Nanny, Nanny!” My heart has softened towards him, my love has evolved for him, not as a wife but kinda like a close relative because he is my history. I do and will always have a love for him. I never wish him any pain.
Today my heart ached for him and I thought, God please give him a happy life too.