My daughter wanted me by her side every moment of her free time.
We were thr best of friends…so I thought.
She was proud of all the things I’ve went through in life because I did it being a depressed person…that was then.
We had each others backs and were each others biggest cheerleaders…when did it change?
When she got engaged and no longer saw me through the eyes of a daughter. She started seeing me as her new fiancee was seeing me too. Her disgust had to prove, she would never end up like me. Her disapproval had to show how far from normal I was and nothing she herself could ever be like.
Her prince came into her life as I always prayed would happen. Someone dashing and worthwhile because she deserved the best.
And me? I became the troll kept hidden beneath the bridge. Too gruesome to go near.
Another day with this dark weight on my very existence. I barely got out of bed at 3 pm and now as the clock inches to nightfall, my bed calls me. If promises me comfort in an otherwise dark world that has given up on me.
Sleep offers an escape from pain from loneliness.
So to my depression I say good night, thank you for another day robbed from me.
Depression, thank you very much for invading my life and just taking it over. You are like a mobster that breaks in a house and just starts ripping everything you find. You flip over couches, spray paint over any beautiful paintings you see, break all the beautiful china wear you find.
Depression you have robbed me of any motivation to be the best me because of you there is nothing best about me in fact thank you for making me loathe my very existence.
You have taken my daughter from me, she wants nothing to do with someone who isn’t good in her life. I love that girl dearly but to her I am nothing but scum.
You have robbed me from love, when you can’t love yourself, nobody can love you either.
You have robbed me of joy, laughter, friendships as I isolate and hide in my bed for days.
I have nothing to give to this Earth because I am nothing and I wish this depression would leave me now. I am 50, can I have some joy for the remainder of my life?
If there would be a law, should it be parenting with depression is prohibited? A child looks at their parents for modeling, for motivation. They have prohibited gay people from adopting, yet wouldn’t two loving happy people parent better than a mother who often could not get out of bed, who couldn’t find the energy to get out of her pajamas and brush her hair.
I am ashamed to call myself a mother. How dare I bring innocent lives and drag them into a world full of darkness and self-loathing. I can recall going to my 7 year olds’ back to school night and her telling me if I could smile and not act like a robot. To this day my daughter wants nothing to do with me because I am not someone to be proud of. This makes me beyond sad, because through it all, my kids made me try when I felt like throwing in the towel.
Do you know what being a mom with depression is like? Imagine a regular mom, can you ever not have guilt about something…wished you read to them a little longer, wished you played with them a little longer…As mothers we are never satisfied with our performance because this is one job we can’t screw up, it is a God given job. Imagine being a mom with depression, not only do you have the guilt of how you should have been better, you have everyone telling you what a shitty job you did as a mother, especially the ones you love more than anything … your kids.
The cries for help are discusting because we are supposed to be someone to look up to but instead we are discusted to even look in a mirror.
It has been one week that I (ran away from home) to find my brave. I have battled the frigid cold, wind, lived on Ensure for a couple of days. I had to find a thrift store because I packed like it was Summer and silly me, it is still Winter in San Bernardino. But I am surviving.
A monastery I found called me day before yesterday and invited me over for lunch. I had left the a note seeking counsel as I had been battling depression for my entire life and that was the reason I left. My depression returned and I was hearing everything from I had been faking for attention to being scolded for not being strong enough to snap myself out of it had pushed me to the edge. thoughts of ending it had begun to be my daily norm and that scared me. This invitation was a God send.
Jay informed me to arrive by 10:30 a.m. and stated that the monks loved cheeseburgers, so bring plenty.
When I arrived, there stood an elderly man with orange fabric draped over his body and an orange head wrap. He stood still and at first glance I thought he was a statue. His skin was very bronze. I parked and he commanded me, “Come, now!” Oh shit, I thought, grabbed the cheeseburgers and followed him into the house.
The elder I learned, was Ajahn, meaning master or teacher. A large bearded gentleman came in, “I’m Jay, we spoke on the phone.” Jay would stay by my side the entire time to guide me on etiquette, translation and guidance.
We stepped over to very colorful artifact of candles, Buddhas, flowers, insense…so many things. Jay guided me to light three incense sticks and I knelt on the floor while Adjan had me repeat what he was saying three times. He only spoke Thai and it was hard repeating what he said.
This was a ceremony for offering my cheeseburgers to them. I put my hands together in praying form and mumbled what he was saying as it was in Thai and I had no idea how to say them. A few times he would say something over loud, I guess I said it wrong. Then at one point as a blessing he wopped me on the head with a wet small broom.
At the end, he tied a red yard bracelet on my wrist. I thought, yay, let’s eat. Not the case.
In come in two ladies with bowls and bowls of food. Then we were instructed to sit back and Ajahn hit this big gong and the Monks came in and sat at the table. The monks eat first and when they are done they invite us over to the four corners of the tables and we hold on to the table and we started praying getting permission to eat what the monks left.
Everything was spicy, but I did try almost everything. This is when I started talking to Chinda, she was the wife of the president to the Wat Buddhavas. She was curious who I was and I explained that I was tent camping nearby. Oh like Pratyeka Buddhas, Jay explained those were the Buddhist who retreat into nature to enlighten themselves. Jay explained my entire situation with my permission.
Chinda got very emotional. She explained that I was there for a reason. She and her entire family suffer from depression. She had a son at 16 commit suicide. Then her mother was found in her bed by her brother stabbed and mutilated. The entire family’s depression has become worse but thanks to the teachings of Buddha, she is getting better without medication.
The rest of the day we walked around the beautiful peaceful grounds and did some rituals and praying and meditation.
It is early morning the next day and I am going to get ready and go over there again. I came to my tent and fell asleep early. I was so exhausted. Jay left me with one phrase:
Who is there for you with love and compassion when you are sick, hold onto them, that is life’s way of showing you who is true.
“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me” Carol Burnett
“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts”. Eleanor Roosevelt
“If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.” H.G. Wells
“To help yourself, you must be yourself. Be the best that you can be. When you make a mistake, learn from it, pick yourself up and move on.” Dave Pelzer
“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” Lewis B. Smedes
“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” Denis Waitley
“Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life.” Anne Roiphe
We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” Marcel Proust
“Healing takes Courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” Tori Amos
“Feeling sorry for ourselves is the most useless waste of energy on the planet. It does absolutely no good. We can’t let our circumstances or what others do or don’t do control us. We can decide to be happy regardless.” Joyce Meyer
What happened to the girl that I was 4 years ago? I was on top of the world, shooting out blogs, feeling empowered, being independent. Four years later I find myself renting a room from my ex. Yeah, I know laugh, I would too if it weren’t so darn humiliating. How did it get to this?
With my income, and jet-setting here and there traveling (so I maxed out some credit cards), I found myself unable to afford my apartment. Renting a room from families I did not know was a disaster so when my ex said he would rent me a room for $200 a month! I jumped on it. He told me I would have the money to pay off bills, travel…it seems like all the answers to my prayers.
There was one problem. The friend he called friend…that was a girl…turned out to be a girlfriend. This information did not become public until after we became intimate…yeah, yeah more on that later.
I would be on the couch watching television and I saw him showering and whoah, the amount of cologne he put on reminded me of the old disco days where the men bathed in Polo and shirt buttons left open to expose the Tom Selleck like chest hairs. I would sit there thinking, don’t say anything, don’t say anything. I almost made it but as he headed out the door I heard my self calling out sarcastically, have fun.
Then there came little Tupperware containers of food she cooked for him. Now I am not one to brag but, I am pretty damn good and what she was making him made my daughter and I laugh.
Around Valentines day I saw him rush in with a shopping bag…was it Victoria’s Secret?
Wait, why was all this bothering me? Was I, uh, jealous? OH MY GOD! My stomach would turn and I would want to say something sarcastic. But then it got worse I found myself truly sad. I don’t think I wanted him back but I didn’t like how he was wining and dining her and getting all fixed up.
I am really depressed and feeling how unfair life is. My marriage is truly over and I am having a hard time dealing with it. Was this why I was led back? Was this my lesson that he was putting it in my face that he has moved on and I have no choice but to do the same.
One step forward, two steps back. Ok, there is going to be times you feel like you are back sliding but it should serve as a reminder of what you should not go back to. I never want to live with the pain I had to deal with everyday, Breathe, this too shall pass.
Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of you history, but not part of your destiny.