Road Trip To Self Love…Buddhism

It has been one week that I (ran away from home) to find my brave. I have battled the frigid cold, wind, lived on Ensure for a couple of days. I had to find a thrift store because I packed like it was Summer and silly me, it is still Winter in San Bernardino. But I am surviving.
 
A monastery I found called me day before yesterday and invited me over for lunch. I had left the a note seeking counsel as I had been battling depression for my entire life and that was the reason I left. My depression returned and I was hearing everything from I had been faking for attention to being scolded for not being strong enough to snap myself out of it had pushed me to the edge. thoughts of ending it had begun to be my daily norm and that scared me. This invitation was a God send.
 
Jay informed me to arrive by 10:30 a.m. and stated that the monks loved cheeseburgers, so bring plenty.
 
When I arrived, there stood an elderly man with orange fabric draped over his body and an orange head wrap. He stood still and at first glance I thought he was a statue. His skin was very bronze. I parked and he commanded me, “Come, now!” Oh shit, I thought, grabbed the cheeseburgers and followed him into the house.
 
The elder I learned, was Ajahn, meaning master or teacher. A large bearded gentleman came in, “I’m Jay, we spoke on the phone.” Jay would stay by my side the entire time to guide me on etiquette, translation and guidance.
 
We stepped over to very colorful artifact of candles, Buddhas, flowers, insense…so many things. Jay guided me to light three incense sticks and I knelt on the floor while Adjan had me repeat what he was saying three times. He only spoke Thai and it was hard repeating what he said.
 
This was a ceremony for offering my cheeseburgers to them. I put my hands together in praying form and mumbled what he was saying as it was in Thai and I had no idea how to say them. A few times he would say something over loud, I guess I said it wrong. Then at one point as a blessing he wopped me on the head with a wet small broom.
 
At the end, he tied a red yard bracelet on my wrist.  I thought, yay, let’s eat. Not the case.
 
In come in two ladies with bowls and bowls of food. Then we were instructed to sit back and Ajahn hit this big gong and the Monks came in and sat at the table. The monks eat first and when they are done they invite us over to the four corners of the tables and we hold on to the table and we started praying getting permission to eat what the monks left.
 
Everything was spicy, but I did try almost everything. This is when I started talking to Chinda, she was the wife of the president to the Wat Buddhavas. She was curious who I was and I explained that I was tent camping nearby. Oh like Pratyeka Buddhas, Jay explained those were the Buddhist who retreat into nature to enlighten themselves. Jay explained my entire situation with my permission.
 
Chinda got very emotional. She explained that I was there for a reason. She and her entire family suffer from depression. She had a son at 16 commit suicide. Then her mother was found in her bed by her brother stabbed and mutilated. The entire family’s depression has become worse but thanks to the teachings of Buddha, she is getting better without medication.
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The rest of the day we walked around the beautiful peaceful grounds and did some rituals and praying and meditation.
 
It is early morning the next day and I am going to get ready and go over there again. I came to my tent and fell asleep early. I was so exhausted. Jay left me with one phrase:
 
Who is there for you with love and compassion when you are sick, hold onto them, that is life’s way of showing you who is true.
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Quotes To Move On

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“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me”  Carol Burnett

“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts”. Eleanor Roosevelt

“If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.” H.G. Wells

“To help yourself, you must be yourself. Be the best that you can be. When you make a mistake, learn from it, pick yourself up and move on.” Dave Pelzer

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” Lewis B. Smedes

“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” Denis Waitley

“Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life.” Anne Roiphe

We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” Marcel Proust

“Healing takes Courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” Tori Amos

“Feeling sorry for ourselves is the most useless waste of energy on the planet. It does absolutely no good. We can’t let our circumstances or what others do or don’t do control us. We can decide to be happy regardless.” Joyce Meyer

 

 

 

When Will You Ever Heal?

Depression
Depression

What happened to the girl that I was 4 years ago? I was on top of the world, shooting out blogs, feeling empowered, being independent. Four years later I find myself renting a room from my ex. Yeah, I know laugh, I would too if it weren’t so darn humiliating.  How did it get to this?

With my income, and jet-setting here and there traveling (so I maxed out some credit cards), I found myself unable to afford my apartment. Renting a room from families I did not know was a disaster so when my ex said he would rent me a room for $200 a month! I jumped on it.  He told me I would have the money to pay off bills, travel…it seems like all the answers to my prayers.

There was one problem. The friend he called friend…that was a girl…turned out to be a girlfriend. This information did not become public until after we became intimate…yeah, yeah more on that later.

I would be on the couch watching television and I saw him showering and whoah, the amount of cologne he put on reminded me of the old disco days where the men bathed in Polo and shirt buttons left open to expose the Tom Selleck like chest hairs. I would sit there thinking, don’t say anything, don’t say anything. I almost made it but as he headed out the door I heard my self calling out sarcastically, have fun.

Then there came little Tupperware containers of food she cooked for him. Now I am not one to brag but, I am pretty damn good and what she was making him made my daughter and I laugh.

Around Valentines day I saw him rush in with a shopping bag…was it Victoria’s Secret?

Wait, why was all this bothering me? Was I, uh, jealous? OH MY GOD! My stomach would turn and I would want to say something sarcastic. But then it got worse I found myself truly sad. I don’t think I wanted him back but I didn’t like how he was wining and dining her and getting all fixed up.

I am really depressed and feeling how unfair life is. My marriage is truly over and I am having a hard time dealing with it. Was this why I was led back? Was this my lesson that he was putting it in my face that he has moved on and I have no choice but to do the same.

One step forward, two steps back. Ok, there is going to be times you feel like you are back sliding but it should serve as a reminder of what you should not go back to. I never want to live with the pain I had to deal with everyday, Breathe, this too shall pass.

Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of you history, but not part of your destiny.

Steve Maraboli

 

Waiting To Heal From Divorce?

Divorce-heal
Remember Why You are Apart

Waiting To Heal From Divorce?

Do you find yourself asking when will I stop hurting? I asked for 30 years, I still catch myself asking. I find myself irritated, why does it bug me that he is dating when he seems like life is peaches and orgasms. Why was he able to move on so easily? Then it can escalate, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

Then it occurs to me.

Oh yeah, I got married because to me it was true love…

Oh yeah, I have some values and virtue and I’m selective and not going to just jump in the sack with the first Joe Schmo that says, “Do you work at Subway, cause you just gave me a foot long!”

And I’d be, Oh my God, I just gave a man an erection! It must be true love!

Puleeeze!

Oh yeah, then I remember he was a horrible husband and I was MISERABLE!!

And I smile and go about my day!

I’m Renting a Room At My Ex’s Home!

I'm Renting a Room From My ExBelieve it!  I last left off blogging about my depression because for three years I have rent rooms, going back to mom’s.  I have been here and there and even stayed random nights at friends houses.  How I longed for that feeling you get after a long day at work and you just kick off your shoes and flop on the couch…HOME…That feeling was a big void for three years.  Some conditions I lived in were so deplorable but at my pay and with my bills that was all I could afford.

When my ex told me I could rent a room at his home AND MY KIDS LIVE THERE, I said yes faster than he could finish his sentence.

EVERYONE’S CONCERN: Could I stay detached whilst I stayed under the same roof with the man who told me to my face he just didn’t love me anymore and ridiculed me as I cried?  Could I handle the fact that he still does not want me and will be dating and even bringing women home? Would  all the old arguing and fighting we used to do start-up again and mess up their happy home?

I would lie if I were to say that it won’t bother me if he struts in with this woman and see interest in his eyes for her, being sweet and acting like a teenager head over heels. Interest that he was not able to find in me but so easily pours it out to someone else. Yeah, I know there will be pain. I know there will be no scene, instead I will accept defeat and peacefully move out as soon as I could.

This is not my thought process, I am not allowing it to be.  I looked him straight in the eye and said, as long as you can allow me the same privilege that this is my house too and I will respectfully date and only bring someone home if it is not just booty call. What he told me next blew me away.

He said that he was the man he was today because of me.  I was the one that fixed his teeth, got him to stop drinking, took care of his Cancer (I forget what else) and he said thank you.  Now it was his turn to pay me back by giving me a place to call home, that it was my home too for as long as I wanted to live there as long as we could get along.

He went on to say that he has only three people he cares about and that is his kids and me, we are all the family he has left and he would do all he could because I deserve it.

I could not stop the tears as I told him that I loved this house and it was hard moving out yet it feels like I never left.  Being able to see my kids everyday, having my dog run and greet me as I get home. Having noise in the house…

I don’t know what the future brings, I know he has never been able to love me like a man loves a woman and that hurts my ego more.  So I know there would never be another us, he killed my heart the day he told me he was done and had someone else.  I see how he treats the girl he was dating now.  He got bored and wants new meat.  That is not what I want for myself.

So this is a new adventure for me in learning life lessons.  This is the ultimate test in forgiveness, acceptance and most of all jealousy.  This is my ultimate step in moving on and seeing him do it will kindle that spark in me to take a chance out there.  I am young, attractive and have a lot to offer.

Maybe IT IS time to stop feeling like I am unlovable and see what is out there again.  It is a scary feeling but it would be nice to have those butterflies over a man again.

For now, home is where mama is!

No Apology, Who Cares I Can Still Heal!

rose%20with%20sun%20and%20clouds[1]Oh if only he would repent for effing around with that two bit ho from across the street after I dedicated  life to him and put him through college. Just a little remorse would soften the blow.

Maybe he spent your life’s savings. Or Made you the laughing stock of the family. Or worse he hurt you physically so bad and made it so public.

The worst apologies are the ones that never come but do you know those are the most necessary ones.

Always remember we forgive those apologies the most, the ones that never come. We forgive for us because we need to heal. We forgive because we need to release resentment.

Those are the apologies we need to forgive the most. And for Pete’s Sake, get that look off your face. You think holding on onto your resentment makes you strong, bitter is more like it. Forgiveness doesn’t mean your are a wimp, it releases you from negativity….

Are Your Tears Creating Your Reality?

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We heard it time again, we create our reality. Sounds simple, then why do we continue to ruminate on misery?

Do we love it, is it comfort, do we even know how to be positive?

Today is a new day. As thoughts of self pity came into my head I actually said aloud,”Stop it”, and forced myself back to the present.  Seconds later again. It was a battle in my head. It went back and forth, my brain was a yo-yo.

Guess what, I was not 100% successful but I was 90% more positive because I didn’t ruminate in the negative. I was successful in the fact that I didn’t allow thedoomy gloomy thoughts take over like they usually do.

If I can do it so can you. As soon as negative, self defeating thoughts peek in I say, “Stop” and bring myself to the now. I become aware of my surroundings. I wasn’t depressed today, although my mind keeps trying to take me there.

Guess what brain, I OWN YOU AND I WILL MASTER CONTROLLING YOU..and so can you. I challenge everyone to try.