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WILL YOU EVER FEEL LIKE A STRANGER TO ME?

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I can remember being in so much pain, I can remember seeing no end to the pain. I would think, ok let today be a day I don’t think of you….shit! I didn’t even last a half hour. The tears in the pillows, the breaking down at work and pretending that everything is ok. Songs would come on the radio and I would have to change them because I would think of you. Everything reminded me of you. They say throw everything away that reminds me of you so I did. I even gave away the diamond necklace you gave me. It will be fine they say, time heals all they say…

They say! They say! They all have something to say but nobody can tell me anything to take the pain away! What will become of me? What will I do with a life without you?

Time went by and I forced one foot in front of the other and continued to live my life through my pain and then today I turned on the radio and this song came on, the words flooded my car…”Now you’re just some stranger that I used to know…”

I remember I couldn’t listen to this song because I thought this could never be me, but it was now. Gee when was the last time I thought of you? A long time. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Wow, you know what, no disrespect, but my heart isn’t breaking anymore. Gee, now you really are just a person I used to know…. Someone that doesn’t cause me pain anymore…I like that!

I have inserted the music video for your listening pleasure…I love this song now!!!!

 

THIS BROKEN HEART OF MINE!!!

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THIS BROKEN HEART OF MINE!!!

This heart of mine

For so long it has been injured

For so long it has been mistreated

For so long it has been battered

My poor heart my poor heart

And now they tell it forgive them

It was ok that they kicked you around

It was ok that they made you bleed

Let them walk away with no guilt

And feel they did no wrong

You will heal you will heal

But damn what’s taking so long!

BROKEN IN LOVE

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BROKEN IN LOVE

I don’t feel secure…Is it you or is it me….I don’t know

I have been hurt so much in the past I don’t know how this goes

Maybe I moved too fast from one man to the next

I feel sad…I don’t think I should feel like this am I

Am I broken now…or is this just wrong and I don’t know

Will I ever know when it’s wrong because I never knew before

I don’t know how to be with a man, I don’t know if I ever will…

JUST THERE!

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JUST THERE…

I came home last night and went to bed by 5:15 p.m. Why? I know why…So I don’t have to face the night alone…not good. Ok new game plan. I need to revamp myself…this going wah-wah is not good for my rise to fame. I have to do something thing different. I have been doing some reading on what people that live alone should do to be happy or to entertain themselves…

Suggestion #1 Become Social…Visit People..

Ahhh!! I like that! I like people…Heck man what de heck is wrong with Catalina the social butterfly!! Everynight she is going to visit someone…except for Friday cause she has a special trip on Saturdayl…But every night she is going to do a special visit.

Visit #1 Visit to Mama to get Italian Zuccini…Oh the fun we will have!

Mama loves when I come visit! I am sure she will feed me and it will make her heart happy that her oldest daughter is taking the time to visit her.

I can’t let myself go backwards and fall in a slump, just cause my daughter is gone all the time with her boyfriend now…I am feeling it now, so mama Catalina got to find her own entertainment and that is ok..So get to it Catalina!!

WHY DO I KEEP FALLING!!!

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WHY DO I KEEP FALLING!!!

It’s been 6 months since the departure from my married household and I think I am doing good and then feelings of anger come bubbling up again. They wake me up, I get the urge to call him and tell him off, but I know that contacting him will just fuel my fire. No contact is better. My tears piss me off even more because I don’t want to cry even tears of anger…but I know that it is good to let it out.

When will this stop. I went to bed thinking about him and all that he did to hurt me, I think that is what is bothering me the most that I did so much and he didn’t do shit for me and I am pissed about some divorce issues and I need to let it go…let it go…

If you carry around a ball of anger or pain in you and stifle it like I did it will come out in other ways. Where can I find ways to release this anger that are healthy. Going to him is not a solution because he will just disregard my feelings and what will that do, buddy oh buddy…you want to see somebody go psycho? Yah! You may see me on the 11 o’ clock news!

You know what I bought to relieve stress, it is those electronic cigarettes! Yeah isn’t that cool, and I look so cool smoking it….yeah believe it real smoke comes out but it isn’t real smoke it’s vapor…like water vapor. It’s RAD!!! I got it at a smoke shop and you change the filters to change the flavors like peach, melon, cherry…isn’ t that cool. And the really cool thing is that it does relieve stress. See I used to be a smoker so it really does feel good to me. But there is no Nicotine so you don’t get addicted!!! So ok here I have been fixating on my oral fixation, puffing away like a peach flavored train…Oh yeah I’m cool..look at me everyone! Then damnit…I can’t find it…I know I had put it somewhere…but where…I start tearing up my car, my purse, looking twice and thrice in the same places…my skin starts itching cause I need a peach vapor fix…come on where are you my sweet electronic cigarette. DAMNIT!!!! I became like a Heroine addict the whole weekend…DO YOU KNOW I ACTUALLY THOUGHT ABOUT BUYING REAL CIGARETTES!!!! OMG nonaddicting by cute lil ass!! There may be no nicotine but you get addicted to that hand to mouth motion. The hell with it I thought, I am glad I lost it. That is pure BS I thought…It was so hard quitting smoking and I am not going to go through that again!!!

So I get to work….AND THERE IT IS!!!! Yay I forgot it at work over the weekend…I am so excited, it plugs into the computer to charge, so I am charging it and I will smoke tonight…I know I know…but the peach flavor is sooo good and they say it’s non addicting!! I believe them!!!

So Yeah…I think I am a yo-yo! This blog went totally away from what I was trying to say…so I leave you now…Happy Peach Smoking!!!

Picking Up the Pieces…

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Picking Up the Pieces

It is now that I realize

My presence may no longer be with him

My body and soul may no longer belong to him

But I remain damaged

A part of me remains to be healed

A part of me that I never knew was broken

A part of me that I stifled is not ok

My marriage may be over

But another journey has just begun

ANXIETY AND DIVORCE!!!

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ANXIETY AND DIVORCE

Lately I have been noticing my heart rate seeming a little harder. You know like when you are hiding under your bed with a bloody knife in your hand and Freddy Krueger is slowly walks in the room…you see his feet…you dare not even breathe cause he might hear you and you think…oh my…my heart is beating so loud he might hear it and catch me…alright so I am going a little over board…alright a lot over board but I wanted to give you guys the full effect of what I am talking about.

The ol’ ticker is just ticking a little too hard and fast, yikes…you know…I may look like a hot mamacita…but I’m getting up there in age…closing in on 50 within 2 ½ years. People die of heart attacks around that age don’t they? Don’t you start carrying your AARP card around that age…this is serious stuff man…I may have to trade in my skinny jeans for some up to my rib cage polyester pants from K-Mart. But back to my ticker…

I got a little worried so I made an appointment with my doctor and expected to hear, clogged arteries, need triple bypass, pace maker…start shopping around for a good convalescent home. Instead she said, except for my controlled blood pressure I was healthy as a horse, cholesterol perfect, sugar perfect…even my body mass index was good! Go figure!

So then what is it Doctor, I asked. That’s when she asked if there has been any stressful events in my life…HELLO!! Where do I start…do you have a few hours…doctor grab a chair and start a pot of coffee!! Yeah but I have everything under control…I am cool as a cucumber Catalina!
Able to climb inflation with a single bounce, can stop a conniving lying mechanic with one hand…what is the saying…I’m nobody’s princes…I’m the queen…I take care of myself!

Well evidently somebody forgot to tell my body because I have anxiety and stress and it is affecting me, yeah I have trouble sleeping, eating, I feel nervous, ok ok to all the above.

So she tells me she would like me to try this medication for a short time just a short time. Hmmm. Fine…Let’s do it…Wait..will it make me gain weight…note to self, get to work and google this med and find out the side effects…wait till you hear this…yikes!!

Doesn’t make you gain weight at all. This is a very popular, non-addicting medication given for anxiety but MORE FOR PATIENTS WHO HAVE LOST THEIR SEX DRIVE!!! IT INCREASES YOUR LIBIDO!!! Woo Hoo! Enough about that…this delve into this deeper.

Catalina is wearing a sad face because she is dealing with anxiety. I don’t want that label. Hell I’m sitting here thinking I’m a fool for blasting this to the cyber world, Hey cyber world, I’m not fine after all, I’m suffering from “anxiety”! How pathetic is that! How humiliating crawl in a hole and never look at me in the face again embarrassing is that! But I chose to blast myself because if I hadn’t done so much work on healing on myself, spiritually, I wouldn’t realize that this is absolutely normal. I mean if I think about it I was the kind of person that didn’t allow myself to shed too many tears AT ALL. I didn’t skip a beat at work, carried on with my life, didn’t beg, I was like whatever dude, I don’t care don’t let the door hit you on the azz! I think I did a lot of stuffing and it came out in other ways…ANXIETY.

The pill is not the answer either, for now it is something I will take to get Freddy Krueger to stop chasing me, but I need to learn more about dealing with it and I will share my progress with it.

Now what I have been reading up on what people have been saying about their experiences with this med I am taking, my sex drive is off the hook, my husband won’t leave me alone….
Oh dear!! What am I going to do now????? Stay tuned,,,,my topics my change and get a little wild after this!!!