Waiting To Heal From Divorce?

Divorce-heal
Remember Why You are Apart

Waiting To Heal From Divorce?

Do you find yourself asking when will I stop hurting? I asked for 30 years, I still catch myself asking. I find myself irritated, why does it bug me that he is dating when he seems like life is peaches and orgasms. Why was he able to move on so easily? Then it can escalate, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

Then it occurs to me.

Oh yeah, I got married because to me it was true love…

Oh yeah, I have some values and virtue and I’m selective and not going to just jump in the sack with the first Joe Schmo that says, “Do you work at Subway, cause you just gave me a foot long!”

And I’d be, Oh my God, I just gave a man an erection! It must be true love!

Puleeeze!

Oh yeah, then I remember he was a horrible husband and I was MISERABLE!!

And I smile and go about my day!

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I’m Renting a Room At My Ex’s Home!

I'm Renting a Room From My ExBelieve it!  I last left off blogging about my depression because for three years I have rent rooms, going back to mom’s.  I have been here and there and even stayed random nights at friends houses.  How I longed for that feeling you get after a long day at work and you just kick off your shoes and flop on the couch…HOME…That feeling was a big void for three years.  Some conditions I lived in were so deplorable but at my pay and with my bills that was all I could afford.

When my ex told me I could rent a room at his home AND MY KIDS LIVE THERE, I said yes faster than he could finish his sentence.

EVERYONE’S CONCERN: Could I stay detached whilst I stayed under the same roof with the man who told me to my face he just didn’t love me anymore and ridiculed me as I cried?  Could I handle the fact that he still does not want me and will be dating and even bringing women home? Would  all the old arguing and fighting we used to do start-up again and mess up their happy home?

I would lie if I were to say that it won’t bother me if he struts in with this woman and see interest in his eyes for her, being sweet and acting like a teenager head over heels. Interest that he was not able to find in me but so easily pours it out to someone else. Yeah, I know there will be pain. I know there will be no scene, instead I will accept defeat and peacefully move out as soon as I could.

This is not my thought process, I am not allowing it to be.  I looked him straight in the eye and said, as long as you can allow me the same privilege that this is my house too and I will respectfully date and only bring someone home if it is not just booty call. What he told me next blew me away.

He said that he was the man he was today because of me.  I was the one that fixed his teeth, got him to stop drinking, took care of his Cancer (I forget what else) and he said thank you.  Now it was his turn to pay me back by giving me a place to call home, that it was my home too for as long as I wanted to live there as long as we could get along.

He went on to say that he has only three people he cares about and that is his kids and me, we are all the family he has left and he would do all he could because I deserve it.

I could not stop the tears as I told him that I loved this house and it was hard moving out yet it feels like I never left.  Being able to see my kids everyday, having my dog run and greet me as I get home. Having noise in the house…

I don’t know what the future brings, I know he has never been able to love me like a man loves a woman and that hurts my ego more.  So I know there would never be another us, he killed my heart the day he told me he was done and had someone else.  I see how he treats the girl he was dating now.  He got bored and wants new meat.  That is not what I want for myself.

So this is a new adventure for me in learning life lessons.  This is the ultimate test in forgiveness, acceptance and most of all jealousy.  This is my ultimate step in moving on and seeing him do it will kindle that spark in me to take a chance out there.  I am young, attractive and have a lot to offer.

Maybe IT IS time to stop feeling like I am unlovable and see what is out there again.  It is a scary feeling but it would be nice to have those butterflies over a man again.

For now, home is where mama is!

No Apology, Who Cares I Can Still Heal!

rose%20with%20sun%20and%20clouds[1]Oh if only he would repent for effing around with that two bit ho from across the street after I dedicated  life to him and put him through college. Just a little remorse would soften the blow.

Maybe he spent your life’s savings. Or Made you the laughing stock of the family. Or worse he hurt you physically so bad and made it so public.

The worst apologies are the ones that never come but do you know those are the most necessary ones.

Always remember we forgive those apologies the most, the ones that never come. We forgive for us because we need to heal. We forgive because we need to release resentment.

Those are the apologies we need to forgive the most. And for Pete’s Sake, get that look off your face. You think holding on onto your resentment makes you strong, bitter is more like it. Forgiveness doesn’t mean your are a wimp, it releases you from negativity….

Are Your Tears Creating Your Reality?

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We heard it time again, we create our reality. Sounds simple, then why do we continue to ruminate on misery?

Do we love it, is it comfort, do we even know how to be positive?

Today is a new day. As thoughts of self pity came into my head I actually said aloud,”Stop it”, and forced myself back to the present.  Seconds later again. It was a battle in my head. It went back and forth, my brain was a yo-yo.

Guess what, I was not 100% successful but I was 90% more positive because I didn’t ruminate in the negative. I was successful in the fact that I didn’t allow thedoomy gloomy thoughts take over like they usually do.

If I can do it so can you. As soon as negative, self defeating thoughts peek in I say, “Stop” and bring myself to the now. I become aware of my surroundings. I wasn’t depressed today, although my mind keeps trying to take me there.

Guess what brain, I OWN YOU AND I WILL MASTER CONTROLLING YOU..and so can you. I challenge everyone to try.

COME ON PAIN!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!!

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COME ON PAIN!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!

In my life I have learned that you cannot make someone feel what you want them to feel for you.  I have also learned that when you don’t seem to get the message they can get mean and inhumane about you pursuing them.  Move on girls.  When they don’t want you they don’t want you.  Damn it hurts, but we have to cut that tie.  Just like that old cliche’ goes. They are just not into us anymore…

Continue reading “COME ON PAIN!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!!”

THROW THE PAST AWAY

let the past go…
this is a journey I was meant to have….

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Throw the Past Away

“I made the decision to move to a smaller place…much smaller”, let me repeat the most important part, “I made the decision…”  I am no longer a child.  Mother no longer tells me when to go to bed, what to eat, or where to live.  My daughter moved out of our two bedroom apartment and I found myself paying a lot of money for an apartment that I found myself just sleeping in.  It felt like I was throwing money in the wind.

So why is it that packing is such torment to me.  I start and watch television or pick up my Face Book or do something unnecessary.  I actually sat there and read an article on how to pack.  Come on Catalina, just stop thinking and do it!  Nobody can help me because nobody knows what I want to keep, give away or toss, the part of sorting belongs to me.  When it comes to moving will be when I need the help.

Guess what.  I found out something about myself.  I have accumulated a lot of nothing, of knick-knacks that were useful for one time.  Pink beads that I was going to blind a sweater with, I don’t even own a pink sweater.  Lots and lots and lots of Valentine day ribbon, Ok I have ribbons for the next 20 Valentine days.  Gee I have been single for 2 ½ years so far, this may last me a long time.

Could this move have been a unconscious plan that was necessary, because I was starting to live in clutter.  I am a shopaholic and will buy the silliest things. I spent $100 on Halloween decorations for my desk and now have 3 huge bins and need to find a place to store them and I have to downsize and supposed to be saving money.  What is wrong with me.

This move is a higher calling.  I am torn, I am emotional but this is necessary for me.  During this process I will be looking at my belongings and realize item by item…is this necessary in your life or is this something from your past that you need to let go because it has lost its purpose.  Let the past go.  Earrings that someone gave me that have no match that I can not wear ever but I hold on because why.  Why am I holding on to it.  I don’t know.  A bottle of champagne from my anniversary 8 years ago that my husband and I went to the Madonna in and my husband slept the time and neither of us drink.  We are no longer together.  Why am I holding on to this.  Do I hold on to pictures of he and I together:?  I don’t know.  I don’t know how to do any of this.  Am I a hoarder?  I know you can walk through my house and it isn’t a path you need a compass with and you don’t need giant bins to clear it out and there isn’t feces everywhere.

But this hurts to let go part of me as trivial as it sounds, what does this mean, I don’t know.  It means that this is a journey I was meant to have.  Out with the old.  Let go of it.  The past is the past and that one earring means nothing and that bottle of champagne does nothing but remind me of what a horrible anniversary I had.  It is time to throw out all those bad memories and start afresh.  Is that why I am finding dimes Oh Lord?  I am on the right path aren’t I?  Ok I will stop fighting this move and see this as a positive thing.  Today will be a productive day and tossing doesn’t mean tossing my soul, it is making room for much more experiences…  Tah Dah…  Marvelous how we can turn things around in our head just like that if we try!!!  Have a blessed day!!

WILL YOU EVER FEEL LIKE A STRANGER TO ME?

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I can remember being in so much pain, I can remember seeing no end to the pain. I would think, ok let today be a day I don’t think of you….shit! I didn’t even last a half hour. The tears in the pillows, the breaking down at work and pretending that everything is ok. Songs would come on the radio and I would have to change them because I would think of you. Everything reminded me of you. They say throw everything away that reminds me of you so I did. I even gave away the diamond necklace you gave me. It will be fine they say, time heals all they say…

They say! They say! They all have something to say but nobody can tell me anything to take the pain away! What will become of me? What will I do with a life without you?

Time went by and I forced one foot in front of the other and continued to live my life through my pain and then today I turned on the radio and this song came on, the words flooded my car…”Now you’re just some stranger that I used to know…”

I remember I couldn’t listen to this song because I thought this could never be me, but it was now. Gee when was the last time I thought of you? A long time. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Wow, you know what, no disrespect, but my heart isn’t breaking anymore. Gee, now you really are just a person I used to know…. Someone that doesn’t cause me pain anymore…I like that!

I have inserted the music video for your listening pleasure…I love this song now!!!!