My separation was hard, I can’t say divorce, because I can’t divorce, I can’t afford it. So I stay bound to a man that I wish I could pull away from so I could get closure but I can’t. As I sit here in loneliness of my apartment I listen to a song by the Dixie Chicks and the song speaks to me. Who put this song on…was it God…it cannot be a coincidence.

I have built my life around you…My whole life was built around this man. My friends were put on hold. If they put together a day of girlie girl time together, I did not include myself because maybe, just maybe, my husband would plan a day that would include me. This was never the case. What was to happen was me alone at home with the kids while he was out with his friends… or probably much worse. I followed him wherever he went, I dropped everything to follow him to Santa Cruz where I knew nobody, promises of a new life…so I thought. All it was more of him being gone for hours and hours but now I was isolated in a town far away from anyone I knew. If he would have said let’s move to the jungles of Kenya, I would have packed my bags and followed him, because in my head I never wanted to stop trying to have “that” marriage with him. He was the first man I loved at innocent age of 17 and he was the man I wanted to raise my grandchildren with. I would continue to do whatever it took. But he was done.

And so I look around my apartment and I open my eyes to reality. My children ARE grown now. I AM getting older. It is time to stop playing games with him. My life consisted of chasing a man that didn’t want to be caught. That game has died, I am much wiser and realize I have dignity now. Why would I want anyone that doesn’t want me. After a while your heart hardens when someone rejects you so much…luckily it was just towards him, thank you God for this gift. It stings, but I think that is my ego and pride because who wouldn’t hurt realizing that truth. But we grow, don’t we, we move on, don’t we, can I handle these changes? My marriage is over. Can I handle that my marriage is over? I have woken up to the same man year after year…I have been afraid of changing. But it’s time! Its time!

It is all about acceptance of what is. I accept that my marriage is over. I accept that it has been over. I am ready to change me, all of me if that is what it takes. Yes I am afraid but like a bad tooth, pull it, just pull it hard and fast and get it over with cause I just want that decayed part out of me so I can heal now. I am now ready to build my life for me, not for him anymore, not even for my children, this second chance of life I have been given is a gift and I am ready to give it a whirl!




Men Suck the Life Out of Me!! 3.11.13
Here we go again, another depressing moment. We are feeling blue. What did that man do or not do. We just don’t feel like doing anything do we?

When our face is down in the mud and the worms are crawling around our head, mud packed so heavy on our lids, it is real hard to see the sunlight isn’t it? When mud is wet, it can be really heavy and when we don’t feel like it, it is easier just to lay there in the warmth of the mud. I guess it is kinda warm. Isn’t that why pigs lie in it?

Now a few hundred yards away is a water hose, you could rinse off that mud, but man, that water is gonna be awful cold, man it is gonna be real uncomfortable.

Naw too cold, gonna just lay in the warm mud, comfy like a hog.

Think of happiness as the sun, it is out there. Can you see it, doyou want it? Not enough. You don’t want to get out of your comfort zone…huh Pigpen! Get yo lazy azz outta that dirty mud and walk over to that cold water, freeze yo butt off and clean that stuff outta your eyes so you can see the sun, be warmed and dried by the sun. It takes effort. You have to choose to have to do something sometimes you don’t want to and there is discomfort at times too, but at the end…ahhh I can see clearly now ….

You have to choose to be happy. You have to make up your mind this is what you want
Happiness is not about cars, men, marriage, boats, jobs, it is about your attitude!

So man, no man…you can be sad worried and at the same time in your hear have an attitude of contentment and happiness with this world and you because you know in the end everything in the world is right.

Put your hear, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. This is a quote from some guy named Swami Sivananda…Now we know when men with the name of Swami say ANYTHING we best believe it is true. He is saying put your all into it and we can make anything happen so get it girl!!!

No man can take anything from us, not out spirit, not our will to go on, not our not our happiness, nothing, he can’t touch us, we are stronger than we think we are…sticks and stones…



Gotta Give it Away To Get It!! 3.11.13

AA has a motto, to help themselves to rid of their disease, they “Be of Service”. Meaning they help another suffering alcoholic. Helping another alcoholic helps them stay sober.

Well heck, guess what! The same lies true with us sad sack people. When we bring happiness to others, we bring happiness to ourselves. Bringing cheer to another human being will bring cheer to ourselves. I like that don’t you? Are you nodding?

“But how!”,  the audience yells!

So happy you asked!

First and foremost. If you are a sad sack like me, helping someone else that is down in the dumps takes the focus off me. See when we are depressed, we don’t mean to, but we become self-absorbed,…don’t get huffy now on me girl and let me finish. Depression keeps you in a tunnel and you see nothing but your misery. Like me…

• I really don’t want to the movies with the girls tonight cause “I’m” so depressed.

• I’m not going to take Fido for a walk tonight, “I” really don’t feel motivated for anything.

• Sorry ”mommy” can’t paint with you now, cause “mommy” don’t feel good now.

The world continues to go round and round like a merry-go-round and we simply jump off and cocoon into our own little corner and just want to sit there licking our wounds. (Poor Fido)…oh yeah and the kid. But see the correlation? We don’t mean to be like this. If asked we would surely say, take this away I want to be on the merry-go-round with my kid and Fido! We want to feel better, but hey, you came to the right person!

Let’s take ourselves out of ourselves and bring cheer to others is kinda the last thing on our mind though huh? Sounds like a lot of energy doesn’t it? It falls under the “I really don’t feel like it” category.

That is ok we will start small. Let’s start with the small stuff and do a lot of them, but you are going to have to be around people so take a shower and be around people. Here are some things.

Give sincere compliments. To coworkers, to family, friends, oh heck let’s get crazy and tell strangers ..key word “sincere” compliments. Look at someone, it is easy to find nice and wonderful things about everyone…EVERYONE! Their hair, nice smile, nice perfume, great jeans, nice work on that project, that color flatters you, are you losing weight (be careful with this…sincere). This is all about being nice to people. This is about telling something to someone who is good about them. Many of us don’t have people who tell us nice things so to hear them is a wonderful thing to hear. Be wary of the non believers. They may have self-esteem issues. Those are the people who I tend to close in a little closer and whisper, I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.

Smile! You heard the saying, “Smile and the world smiles back at you”. It is true. Smiling is contagious! Do it at work. I always smile at everyone. I say good morning and throw in a big Kool-Aid smile to everyone I run into. I do it even at malls, markets at strangers. Be careful, lots of men will take it as you are coming on. But hey you never know if they are cute enough…ya never know. But use caution. You see a bunch of hoodlums in a dark alley, my suggestion isn’t to walk up and smile and say, wow I love your bandanas! Go the other way.

Be friendly. Always be friendly. When we are depressed, it shows. Look in the mirror from time to time. What does your face say. Think happy thoughts and be friendly to everyone…of course not to the hoodlums. Hey, but they do say thugs need hugs..wait is that a song?

You will be amazed at how you feel. These are small ways to bring cheer to people. Feeling a little more energized?

Bring happiness and joy where it is needed. Children’s hospitals, visit pet shelters, convalescent hospitals (they always need volunteers there, they love their bingo) call local schools to ask if they need volunteers, Girl Scouts, Parks and Recreation…

I leave you with this Chinese Proverb my little grasshopper…If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a life time, help people. (I think this is when the China Man bows out).