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Quotes To Move On

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“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me”  Carol Burnett

“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts”. Eleanor Roosevelt

“If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.” H.G. Wells

“To help yourself, you must be yourself. Be the best that you can be. When you make a mistake, learn from it, pick yourself up and move on.” Dave Pelzer

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” Lewis B. Smedes

“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” Denis Waitley

“Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life.” Anne Roiphe

We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” Marcel Proust

“Healing takes Courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” Tori Amos

“Feeling sorry for ourselves is the most useless waste of energy on the planet. It does absolutely no good. We can’t let our circumstances or what others do or don’t do control us. We can decide to be happy regardless.” Joyce Meyer

 

 

 

When Will You Ever Heal?

Depression

Depression

What happened to the girl that I was 4 years ago? I was on top of the world, shooting out blogs, feeling empowered, being independent. Four years later I find myself renting a room from my ex. Yeah, I know laugh, I would too if it weren’t so darn humiliating.  How did it get to this?

With my income, and jet-setting here and there traveling (so I maxed out some credit cards), I found myself unable to afford my apartment. Renting a room from families I did not know was a disaster so when my ex said he would rent me a room for $200 a month! I jumped on it.  He told me I would have the money to pay off bills, travel…it seems like all the answers to my prayers.

There was one problem. The friend he called friend…that was a girl…turned out to be a girlfriend. This information did not become public until after we became intimate…yeah, yeah more on that later.

I would be on the couch watching television and I saw him showering and whoah, the amount of cologne he put on reminded me of the old disco days where the men bathed in Polo and shirt buttons left open to expose the Tom Selleck like chest hairs. I would sit there thinking, don’t say anything, don’t say anything. I almost made it but as he headed out the door I heard my self calling out sarcastically, have fun.

Then there came little Tupperware containers of food she cooked for him. Now I am not one to brag but, I am pretty damn good and what she was making him made my daughter and I laugh.

Around Valentines day I saw him rush in with a shopping bag…was it Victoria’s Secret?

Wait, why was all this bothering me? Was I, uh, jealous? OH MY GOD! My stomach would turn and I would want to say something sarcastic. But then it got worse I found myself truly sad. I don’t think I wanted him back but I didn’t like how he was wining and dining her and getting all fixed up.

I am really depressed and feeling how unfair life is. My marriage is truly over and I am having a hard time dealing with it. Was this why I was led back? Was this my lesson that he was putting it in my face that he has moved on and I have no choice but to do the same.

One step forward, two steps back. Ok, there is going to be times you feel like you are back sliding but it should serve as a reminder of what you should not go back to. I never want to live with the pain I had to deal with everyday, Breathe, this too shall pass.

Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of you history, but not part of your destiny.

Steve Maraboli

 

Waiting To Heal From Divorce?

Divorce-heal

Remember Why You are Apart

Waiting To Heal From Divorce?

Do you find yourself asking when will I stop hurting? I asked for 30 years, I still catch myself asking. I find myself irritated, why does it bug me that he is dating when he seems like life is peaches and orgasms. Why was he able to move on so easily? Then it can escalate, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

Then it occurs to me.

Oh yeah, I got married because to me it was true love…

Oh yeah, I have some values and virtue and I’m selective and not going to just jump in the sack with the first Joe Schmo that says, “Do you work at Subway, cause you just gave me a foot long!”

And I’d be, Oh my God, I just gave a man an erection! It must be true love!

Puleeeze!

Oh yeah, then I remember he was a horrible husband and I was MISERABLE!!

And I smile and go about my day!

I’m Renting a Room At My Ex’s Home!

I'm Renting a Room From My ExBelieve it!  I last left off blogging about my depression because for three years I have rent rooms, going back to mom’s.  I have been here and there and even stayed random nights at friends houses.  How I longed for that feeling you get after a long day at work and you just kick off your shoes and flop on the couch…HOME…That feeling was a big void for three years.  Some conditions I lived in were so deplorable but at my pay and with my bills that was all I could afford.

When my ex told me I could rent a room at his home AND MY KIDS LIVE THERE, I said yes faster than he could finish his sentence.

EVERYONE’S CONCERN: Could I stay detached whilst I stayed under the same roof with the man who told me to my face he just didn’t love me anymore and ridiculed me as I cried?  Could I handle the fact that he still does not want me and will be dating and even bringing women home? Would  all the old arguing and fighting we used to do start-up again and mess up their happy home?

I would lie if I were to say that it won’t bother me if he struts in with this woman and see interest in his eyes for her, being sweet and acting like a teenager head over heels. Interest that he was not able to find in me but so easily pours it out to someone else. Yeah, I know there will be pain. I know there will be no scene, instead I will accept defeat and peacefully move out as soon as I could.

This is not my thought process, I am not allowing it to be.  I looked him straight in the eye and said, as long as you can allow me the same privilege that this is my house too and I will respectfully date and only bring someone home if it is not just booty call. What he told me next blew me away.

He said that he was the man he was today because of me.  I was the one that fixed his teeth, got him to stop drinking, took care of his Cancer (I forget what else) and he said thank you.  Now it was his turn to pay me back by giving me a place to call home, that it was my home too for as long as I wanted to live there as long as we could get along.

He went on to say that he has only three people he cares about and that is his kids and me, we are all the family he has left and he would do all he could because I deserve it.

I could not stop the tears as I told him that I loved this house and it was hard moving out yet it feels like I never left.  Being able to see my kids everyday, having my dog run and greet me as I get home. Having noise in the house…

I don’t know what the future brings, I know he has never been able to love me like a man loves a woman and that hurts my ego more.  So I know there would never be another us, he killed my heart the day he told me he was done and had someone else.  I see how he treats the girl he was dating now.  He got bored and wants new meat.  That is not what I want for myself.

So this is a new adventure for me in learning life lessons.  This is the ultimate test in forgiveness, acceptance and most of all jealousy.  This is my ultimate step in moving on and seeing him do it will kindle that spark in me to take a chance out there.  I am young, attractive and have a lot to offer.

Maybe IT IS time to stop feeling like I am unlovable and see what is out there again.  It is a scary feeling but it would be nice to have those butterflies over a man again.

For now, home is where mama is!

I NEEDED TO KNOW IF HE EVER LOVED ME!!!

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I NEEDED TO KNOW IF HE EVER LOVED ME…

I am questioning myself, am I a good person, am I a selfish person, definitely I am a vindicated person, but is it selfish to feel this vindication.

Flash back. Because all of you are sitting there thinking, what the heck is this crazy woman talking about. If you people have been following my crazy up and down blogs you see I go up and down and round and round. I feel good, I feel bad, I am as high as a mountain top singing, “Ain’t no mountain high enough!” or “Swing low sweet chariot!” I am one hot mess! On paper and in person.

I write bleeding heart poetry about the fact that my husband never loved me. Then I write motivational blasts about being past that because I love myself so much it doesn’t matter.

People, if you have been following me you will notice the one thing that always throws me off kilter is my resentment and that resentment at least one part of it is from the fact that I gave so much to this man and how could he so easily throw me away and never had loved me. My ego is bruised. I love him as a person but back then, oh my God I was a young precious girl so in love with a man that shoved and shoved me away. Behind that resentment is a lot of hurt, it hurts me still that he could not love that sweet precious girl because her love was pure and real and she would have and did anything and everything for him.

Fast forward to today. I called him a few days ago and I asked him point blank, “David, did you ever love me?” I am sorry, I had to know. Immediately I thought, how silly, he is going to say yes just to save my feelings. But what he said took my breath away.

“I am divorcing you to save your pension. If I am not legally attached to you, then they can’t make you responsible for my debt. I love you, I never stopped loving you. When this whole divorce is over we can talk about us again.”

That is when I knew in my gut that he was not lying. He loved me and he wanted me back. He was sincere about saving my pension. He was being a good person after all. BUT, I also knew it was too late for me, for us and I told him this. I told him that there could never be “us” ever again because of everything that happened. He said ok and he hung up.

So here I sit reflecting on all this. Ok I am going to be totally honest. I feel good right now. My ego has been rejuvenated and pumped up. I got the chance to tell him where to go. Of course in a very nice loving, adult way. But I feel like I needed this as part of my healing. That is sick isn’t it! Love me so I can tell you where to go!

That is not it. I needed to know that I did not live almost 30 years of a lie. I loved this man, and I needed to know that he loved me too. He was not good to me but he loved me too. That is all I needed to know. I can breathe a little easier now. I am sorry for having to cut him down like I did, I truly am because I truly love him as a human being and care about his feelings and wish the very best in his life. Wow I sound like a totally mature person….

Ok wait here is the test… Do I wish him the best with another woman? Maybe, BUT I DON’T THINK I AM READY TO SEE THEM IN PERSON!!!

KILLING ME SOFTLY…FOR MY OWN GOOD

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HE KILLING ME SOFTLY…FOR MY OWN GOOD

Romantically drawn to him no more

He killed my heart towards him

Severed the true love a wife should have

I know I could never be true to him any more

The look of discust on his face

As I cried out in pain

Sent up a metal wall around my heart

That will never let him in at all

That memory burns me without end

He declared the end of us to me

Then demanded me not to shed a tear

Calling me discusting and childlike

I sucked back every emotion like a breath of air

As if I was taking my last breath before I die

And in a sense I did

Any chances was put to death

That that dismal early morn

Life goes on and I have moved on

Now I see why life gave me such pain

A new life was waiting for me

Yet I wouldn’t change the pages myself

A new chapter has started

And it doesn’t include you

God did for me what I could not do for myself….

STOP YOUR WHINING!!!

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STOP YOUR WHINING!!!!!

Ok I have to blast someone who was at my divorce support class. This lady was there before and she said the same think she said last time…ok let me give you an example:

I am so unhappy with him!

Why don’t you leave, isn’t this why you are in divorce support?

Why don’t he leave?

You are the one that came for support, why are you here?

Because I am so unhappy in my marriage, I just want out! I am so sick of him, all he does is
ignore me…

After a while she just started to sound like the teacher on Charlie Brown…Wah Wah Wah!!! She went round and round and hears nobody. She won’t leave, she just wants to complain to whoever will listen to her. I wanted to say, somebody shoot me please!!!

And then it hit me, why she bothered me so much… she was me!!! This was me for almost 30 years. I was in an unhappy marriage and all I did was complain and whine about him and what he did wrong, and how unhappy I was but I did nothing about it. I went from friend to friend to complain and sing my woes…I was like a broken vinyl record and don’t you know how sad I am ….wait wait where you going I am not done yet!!! Wait Mistro…play that violin music! I still have another story to complain about my husband! THAT WAS ME!!

Why didn’t anyone slap me? Why didn’t anyone tell me to shut up? Man I have some good friends or they have some good tune out skills cause I swear I said the same ol’ stories over and over!!

But they are done! And I wanted to grab the lady by the shoulders and shake the hell out of her and tell her, “NOBODY WAN’TS TO HEAR YOUR STUPID STORY ANYMORE!!! DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT OR SHUT UP!!” Hmmm would that helped me??? I wonder? Naw I would have just found new friends to tell my wah wah stories to.

What an eye opening experience it was to see myself today to what I used to sound like…not a pretty sight. A repetitive broken record is what I was. Thank you God my story has a happy ending…finally!