I am a worrier by nature, before where I used to voice and nag my worries to my partner just to somehow maybe have them appeased or ignored but at least get them vented now I hold them in. I don’t want to worry my daughter that I worry month to month about making rent because my check makes it so close, if something were to happen, some necessity were to occur, well I just don’t know. I blindly invested in internet because I just could not handle doing my online writing class in secret at work anymore. My grades were sliding and I knew I could do better if I could leisurely instead of stressfully do my work, now for some God awful reason my internet hasn’t worked since yesterday. I call the help support line and isn’t it ironic you have to listen to some recording and they put on some opera jazz recorded music so freakin out of tune and out there you want to scream…They think I am going to hand up…my nerves are shot and I feel like screaming and throwing my phone out the door …THIS MUSIC WHERE DID IT COME FROM!!!! SOMEBODY GIVE ME A SHOTGUN!!!

I am worrying about money. Last night I had a dream that I lived in a hut alone and I had to go find coconuts to be able to keep my hut. As I was walking looking for coconuts people were selling fruits, bracelets anything, it was like I had become a person like in Tijuana on the border where they hustle the people trying to get home, and I needed to find coconuts to sell the people walking by, but the only trees I seen were rotted or had young coconuts. I was very worried in my dream. I seen my mother doing a voodoo smoke spell she was wishing me prosperity and I was telling her that stuff doesn’t work. Then I woke up.

Yesterday the landlord found out we have a kitty, it is in the contract that it is $100 more if we want to bring in a cat. We never thought the landlord or actually realty company would find out, they are in another city, I don’t know it was stupidity on our part…of course they could find out…aye aye aye that is $1,200 a year. I love my kitty that attacks me in my sleep and all she does is runs around pestering me.

That $100 is going to hurt an already tight budget and it is scary, but I can’t let this cute kitty go. And I can’t let this money issue continue to ravage my brain. I am like a scaird child in a big world playing big person …I am gonna make it I am gonna make it. Yesterday my mom wanted to go to the cemetery to put flowers on my grandmothers grave, and I was not wanting to go because my mom always wants to eat. Sure enough she pulls into her favorite Mexican restaurant where dishes are no less than $10.50 a plate. Then in my stomach the entire time I became angry at her because this was going to take away from my budget. Then to make matters worse, she paid for all of it because I know she sensed my anger. I do not want to be anyone’s pity person. My mother loves to spend time with me and I her too, but budget budget blah blah blah…I got creative, I got her two $10 movie tickets, she looks at them and says, no no you can’t afford this, I said mom, I said it’s not just for you, it’s so you and I could go…she liked that idea…you should have seen her face light up… 

I know this is going to be hard but I am going to continue to trudge and be that big person and sell those coconuts




Would I rather have unhappiness and material things…meaning being in an unhappy marriage but having the money to freely buy whatever I wanted. Or live in poverty and be happy by leaving my marriage…Of course my spirit has been lifted since my departure from that miserable marriage.

Now….(Big sigh)ho hum…I live in California and in education, I don’t know what is going on in other states but we are being hit horribly. California’s economy is rising so fast it will make your head spin, gas, groceries… everything, yet funding for education is being cut horribly. I can barely keep up. So financially I am not doing good at all, I am in a pool and the water is barely at the holes of my nose…Ha Ha! And the water keeps going up my nose and I keep having to sneeze it out! Damn wah! Boo Hoo! I’m broke… I know people in Somalia would consider me a millionaire and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, it is about being grateful with what you have…ok let me tell you cause it’s one of those days…

I just got paid, this check goes to pay rent, phone and my credit card that was maxed out in order to buy all the things we needed because when my daughter and I moved in our apartment we had nothing…I am talking even things like spoons, plates…you can imagine…the bill is up there…this is my life now…no nothing after this. I fill up my tank buy a little groceries and pocket a couple $20s in case a birthday comes …oil change…this is my life now…I said…THIS IS MY LIFE NOW!!!

It’s Saturday, I was thinking I would like to Denny’s and have pancakes, no, not in the budget, I was thinking I would like to go to the movies with my mom, no, it’s not in the budget, it’s getting hotter, I was looking on Facebook and they had these summer dresses….oh man they are so cute for $16.99…I would look so hot in them…I would turn heads in this dress!…NO NOT IN THE BUDGET!!!

Do I need to resort to standing on Hollywood and Vine? I have a commitment once sometimes twice a month on the weekends, so I can’t work on weekends and I surely am not going to work all day during the week and then go to work at night…so I guess it is about being grateful with what I have. Man but I remember about the days of going to DSW and just picking out the cutest stillettos and buying them, Jessica Simpson and John Madden were my favorites and I would name my shoes, favorites are my Bob Marley…because they are the color of the Jamaican flag…

Talk about small miracles…my daughter just called and asked me if I wanted to walk around the Farmers Market swap meet. I need vegetables, I get to bond with my daughter, I get some exercise cause I will be walking….it’s going to be a cool Saturday after all!!




I am so mad I woke up at 3 a.m. out of a dead sleep and could not go back to sleep. I am so mad I thought of him and broke out into tears. I am so mad my stomach has …. What does it have? It kinda feels like NERVOUS BALL OF ANGER!! I go through one incident, I conquer it..alright maybe not conquer it but I survive it and I am smiling at the world…Even skipping again. Boom another monstrosity hits me. My divorce has not even began, it is in its beginning stages. There is so much financial wreckage my ex needs to take care of, thousands and thousands of dollars he owes that will come back to me so my divorce cannot even begin, maybe for another year. So I am bound to this man…I will continue to be his wife for who knows how long and he continues to piss me OFF!!! Wait…something in my head…a voice of reason just spoke….he continues to piss you off? Or you are allowing him to piss you off?

“If you have a resentment you want to be free of, you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their healthy, prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now fee compassionate and understanding and love”

My friend gave me this last night. She told me to read it three times a day, but for me to do it for 21 days. I argued. He doesn’t deserved prosperity, can I just pray for happiness for him? She said ask for all of it. And so I will!

I read my article three times and the tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt like a child having to do something I really didn’t want to do. Like being told to go to bed early cause I was being punished and I was going to miss my favorite show…The Brady Bunch…that is what I felt. I had to stop and wipe my eyes because the tears would get so thick that I couldn’t read the letters. But I read the phrase three times. Then the hard part. To pray to God and ask to give my husband happiness, prosperity and good health and to use his full name. Man I was really having a doozy of a time saying prosperity as I sat in my roach infested apartment with no bed and he was the one living in a four bedroom house. I had a hard time asking God to give him prosperity when my $70,000 pension was at jeopardy because he had committed fraud against the IRS and bills as well as assets are considered community property.

This was the reason for my resentment because everything I had worked for would likely be wiped clean because of is man and nothing could help me. I had already consulted with attorneys, CPA’s…there was nothing I could do. So I had to now pray for his prosperity?

Hands together towards my chest I began my prayer just as my friend had suggested and I said it over and over and over and over and it hurt. It hurt to ask God to help this man who had taken and taken from me and the I was sobbing as I said the words.

Tomorrow I will do it again and I will do it again because I do not want to carry this resentment because I know that I am powerless over the outcome of my situation… how does that song go…Que sera sera…what ever will be will be.

I just ask God to make my heart soft again this morning because it is so hard right now. Monetary means is just that, monetary. I have me back. Oh dear God it is my retirement but I have me. I have to get it into my thick skull that I am much more important than anything else in the world. That God will find a way to sustain me even if the worse happens to my pension…things will turn out ok at the end. My happiness and my sanity without him is what is important. Everytime I converse with him, everytime I think about losing my pension my world goes upside down and I lose everything I have worked so hard to get back. My happiness, my peace, my strength, my faith in myself. I need to continue to grow in spite of. This is just another obstacle thrown in front of me to test me and I will overcome it…breathe….




How many of you can relate? After being dumped, going through a divorce, separated, maybe you just decided it wasn’t working out, but hey when you and your man go your separate ways it hurts.

If you are like me, many of you are starting to know the Catalina, I am down in the dumps scenario. Yup, I put on the ol’ Sponge Bob Square Pants jammies with the feets in them…boys if you are reading this, don’t get all hot and bothered, there is not back button drop easy access compartment! Yes I have had a friend perv ask! Once in my jammies, I resort to my air mattress (that’s all I can afford right now), throw blankies over my head (my kitty attacks my face) and in my depression I recluse for days. This is how Catalina handles her depression. This is what I call my wah wahs wallowing in my pity potty.

Come on girls there’s the allow yourself to “feel your feelings” that people like Dr. Phil talk about. It is true. You need to not stifle that pain, allow yourself to go through that pain, feel the pain. Ok it is like you are in an upper scale foo foo store, lets say like Neiman Marcus. You see a beautiful cashmere sweater. Wow it is periwinkle blue and looks so so soft like a bunny rabbits butt. The store associate says to go ahead you are “allowed to feel” it. You run your fingers oh so gingerly through the velvety baby soft fibers and every sense of your nerves shoot from your finger tips straight to your brain in sheer delight and your mouth goes ooooooooooooooo so nice. Wow, the nice sales associate told you it was ok “to feel it”

Then the store associate is called away for something and when she returns she finds you in a heap on the floor nuzzled, rubbing, smelling, hungrily caressing this beautiful cashmere sweater. Did I mention you are whispering sweet nothings into the sweater…?

You crossed the line between just feeling it and allowing yourself to become so engrossed into the sensory of this beautiful object that felt so good.

We can also as women allow ourselves to become so engrossed into something that feels so bad. Why would we? Time to ask ourselves why do we want to lie in a heap on the floor on a beautiful cashmere sweater, no it’s not a sweater bits a yucky mean man, chances are he probably don’t like us or love us, chances are he can get pretty smelly so is gonna taste pretty yucky too! Why do we want to wallow over a man that is so painful cause that is what we are doing!


NAW GIRL!! Allow yourself to leisurely and slowly at your own pace, ON YOUR FEET…ALWAYS ON YOUR FEET…stroll by the cashmere sweaters and feel them with all your senses, you’ll pass it, you really will. And there will be other racks and once again, put your hand out and you will allow yourself …ON YOUR FEET…feel those too. It is ok to reach your hand out and slowly with tears in your eyes allow the beauty and softness of your pain to release.


Now where we run into this problem is at our house. At the store, we would have a store associate that will radio “security we have another crazy one” and off we go in the paddy wagon. But at home especially if we live alone, we could stay in that heap for days.

Put that cashmere sweater down cause guess what! The less ”just feeling” the cashmere sweaters, the sooner you will realize you were at the clearance rack with something that was something you really didn’t even wan’t anymore because on the other end of the store the new arrivals had been arriving and you were so focused on the has beens that you didn’t even notice.

Feel the pain, move on…cause what do we have here….hmmmmm



The Single Woman and the Mechanic 3.7.13

It is the fear of every single woman….It is worse than being put in jail in a foreign country…worse than finding yourself on the Titanic and the last life saver has floated away leaving you on the sinking ship…it is worse than finding yourself in a jungle back against a cliff, hungry lion at your feet gnarling ready to lunge at you any second! Yes, worse than any of the above….What! The suspenseful audience asks with baited breath…YOUR CAR IS ACTING UP AND YOU FIND YOURSELF AT THE MERCY OF A ….MECHANIC!!

Oh it is true!!! The very thing that I feared most out of being single is happening to little ol’ precious, weak, damsel in distress me! The mean, vindinctive…can’t be trusted “Jiffy Lube Mechanic” is trying to swadoozle me…I think…I am pretty sure. Let me explain.

Every man, woman, probably toddler knows, ya gotta keep up the fluids on your car…especially the oil! Right! I’ve been good. I go to Jiffy Lube, wait for Crazy Wednesday when they put the $24.99 sign in the window and go and don’t listen to any of the scary stories they say that if you don’t do this your car is going to blow up in your face and so you better sign away your first born or its gonna happen. I ignore all that and say, just give me the $24.99 oil change thank you! I have done great for years!

Ok, this year the man really scared me but now I am wondering if he swadoozled me. I think they even dimmed the lights and put on the Exorcist music really really low and played it backwards…I’m not sure but I think. I was about to lift my hand and give the “No Thank You” speech but that look on his face just petrified me. I mean come on when this car goes I have no husband to fix my car, to help me buy another car. I don’t even make enough now to do anything about it. I will be without a car. I will be using the good ol’ footsies because my check goes enough just to pay bills…nothing left to barely play in Vegas…barely.

Ok, back to my macabre story…Exorcist music playing backwards in background almost in audible…I think…the man had this look …oh if you would have seen the look you would have understood. “Your car shut down a couple times on us ma’am. All the fluids were incredibly low. (he is shaking his head the whole time) It is really in bad shape. I see that you have been advised by several Jiffy Lubes of the jobs that need to be done and you have declined. Now the problem has worsened. “ I think that’s when the fog started to rise and the wolf started to howl. I can’t afford it wouldn’t come out, my $27.99 oil change was $38.99 just to add Transmission Fluid.

Now I sit here. Isn’t the package topping off all fluids. I don’t know. I don’t know anything about cars, I know make ! I can show you how to bring out the green in your eyes by the way you wear your shadow, I can tell you if you want your boobs to pop, hang upside down, pull them forward in your bra and put a little darker blush in the cleavage. Girl your boobs will be styling. BUT I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CARS!

Wait! wait wait, this war is not over! I just need to find the right mechanic again. I am reminded of the man that quoted me $450 when my car did not pass smog. I was dressed cute, he was Hispanic, like myself and I looked down and said sadly in Spanish that I could not afford this, my husband had just left me and then added…for a beautiful blonde blue eyed Caucasion woman. I had no chance of competing with her. I thanked him and slowly started to walk away. I heard. Senorita! I covered a small smile. Yup, he charged me $250, his cost. I think I will pay my little friend a visit.

Now, now, I may get feedback for this. Shovel it to me honey I can take it. I’m sorry it’s all the amo I have…So if you have a respectable mechanic I can trust that does good work…but until then…