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Are Your Tears Creating Your Reality?

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We heard it time again, we create our reality. Sounds simple, then why do we continue to ruminate on misery?

Do we love it, is it comfort, do we even know how to be positive?

Today is a new day. As thoughts of self pity came into my head I actually said aloud,”Stop it”, and forced myself back to the present.  Seconds later again. It was a battle in my head. It went back and forth, my brain was a yo-yo.

Guess what, I was not 100% successful but I was 90% more positive because I didn’t ruminate in the negative. I was successful in the fact that I didn’t allow thedoomy gloomy thoughts take over like they usually do.

If I can do it so can you. As soon as negative, self defeating thoughts peek in I say, “Stop” and bring myself to the now. I become aware of my surroundings. I wasn’t depressed today, although my mind keeps trying to take me there.

Guess what brain, I OWN YOU AND I WILL MASTER CONTROLLING YOU..and so can you. I challenge everyone to try.

GOD IS STILL WORKING ON ME

god is till working on me

GOD IS STILL WORKING ON ME

To the single women out there, are you like me and your focus is where are all the single men.  Are you thinking you know what will make you whole again…a real nice man?  Really?  I am laying here thinking so very different little by little every day.  Don’t get me wrong I backslide a lot.  That loneliness is a mo fo.  Sitting in an apartment alone, is a mutha!  I get up off the couch… I go to the refridgerator… I look then, I close it… I walk in my bedroom and look in there…what am I looking for.  I go in the bathroom, do I need to go?  Not really.  What the hell I will go just a little just for something to do.  I have bought crafts that sit in the bag.  I leave and go get food and there it sits in the fridge because I really wasn’t hungry.

I don’t know what to do with myself because I am bored and don’t know what to do with myself.  But I picked up a book and started reading and started looking within and thought, do I really feel ready for a relationship?   I am bothered, it isn’t just about having someone to entertain me anymore, it is deeper than that.  There is something deep inside of me that is trying to tell me something about me.  Like a purpose maybe.  Like men need to not take my focus now.  But I won’t be able to truly grasp what it is because I am so focused on loneliness and whining that I can’t focus on this deeper meaning that I am supposed to be working on myself.  We all have a calling or purpose in this life.  Love is wonderful, romance is beautiful.  There is a reason a man has not shown up in my life now and I need to become aware of that and accept that as a part of a plan not a curse.  Men are not our universe, they are yummy frosting on the cake but they are not the cake…I need to focus on the cake…and so let me start working on finding what ingredients I need for my cake. Why am I looking for frosting when I don’t even have cake yet??? Right now  God is still working on me now…  and if I really get my stuff together…I may even be able to put a cherry on top…woo hoo bet that will be real yummy!!!

I NEEDED HIM TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!!!!

 

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Some guy came on to me today and honey let me tell you he was hot hot.  Total eye candy and I am sure, another kind of candy.  I have my shares of propositions and requests for dates and somehow it just doesn’t work out.  But this guy was tall, handsome, well dressed…he had it all.  He approached me and the way he started talking I knew right away….Player.  He had that “Rico Suave” personality.  He made it very obvious as he looked me up and down and tilted his head and said, “Hey sexy”  Say Whuuut!!! Did I have “Ho” written on my forehead?  I looked at him and put the gas cap back on my car, got in and drove away.

But this isn’t about being treated like a piece of beef.  I can remember wanting to thank some gardeners that drove by and honked at me because I was starving for that assurance so a few months back I would have probably been in some motel room with this Rico Suave.  A few years ago I was starving for my husband to tell me I was pretty, that he loved me, that he appreciated me.  My emotional tank was empty and I blamed it all on my husband because he never showed me love.  Oh how I would beg him to tell me, and of course when he wouldn’t, that would make me feel more depleted than ever. I had a void that I could not feel and it was in the pit of my stomach.  I swear I could feel it when I would cry, it felt so hollow in there.

It was no wonder that I jumped into a relationship so fast because he was saying all the things I needed to hear, words like “love” and “beautiful”.  I was drinking it up.  But what was funny was that he could tell me a million times and I was like a pool with a hole in it.  That relationship obviously didn’t work.

Truthfully I have spent my whole life blaming my husband for being a horrible person because all I wanted was him to show me he loved me.  In my eyes life would have been so much different.  If he could have just showed me love I would have felt better about myself and the would have been full of unicorns and rainbows don’t you know…NOT!

My pool WAS full of holes.  Or rather my tank was empty, bone dry empty.  That lack of love I had for myself made me insecure, jealous, miserable, needy…doesn’t sound like a fun person to be mated with does it.  So after my unsuccessful relationship after my husband, I decided to stay solo, actually it was recommended.

This is when I discovered I have used men as a fix my whole life, to make me feel better because I couldn’t make myself feel better.  I am addicted to love.  When I had no man to focus on, WOW, my marriage that I thought I was doing great getting over all of a sudden was not so easy getting over.  All of a sudden it felt like someone was dying, it was kind of the truth.  My marriage died and I never mourned it because I jumped into another relationship to kill the pain like an alcoholic grabs a bottle to numb his pain.

But without the booze, that alcoholic is going to feel every pain and that is exactly what I did, but that is exactly what I needed to do.  For the first time since we broke up, a year and a half before, I broke down over my marriage.  I was not the Super Woman that I thought I was.  With no man to take my focus off my husband, I realized I was going to miss him dearly.  I spent many a night crying.  I was breaking down at work, in the car.  Everywhere,.  It was controlling me but I had to let it out of my system.

That pain that I experienced was that pain in the hollow in my stomach, it felt so empty.  No teddy bear could  take it away, some days I got extra scary bad but I trudged.  But I stayed single and I started meditating and looking at why did I have such low self-esteem.  No man was going to make me happy, nor would I make any man happy until I figured out where this non-self love was coming from.

I was looking deep within myself for an answer and fast forward to the day when that hot hot guy came on to me.  I thought, who the hell does this guy think I am.  A miracle happened, I don’t know when this happened, how this happened but as I was driving I thought…I have no void.  That empty hollow feeling is gone.  I pulled the rear view mirror at myself and looked deep into my eyes.  “I love you”, I said…I waited for a reaction of a cringe…there wasn’t one.  Opposite, I liked how I felt when I said it.  I had to pull over and text my friend telling her MY VOID IS GONE!!!

People, I had this void since I was a little girl, I can’t remember anytime in my life when I didn’t feel that void.  All because I taught myself how to not expect love and approval from other but instead give it to myself.  This came from books I read from Louise Hay and Eckart Tolle.

I am on my way to a better world and like a car with a full tank of gas.  With this full tank, I am going to see the world!!!!!

Tranquility Pools

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Tranquility Pools

What is this I feel in my heart
What is this I feel in my soul

The thrashing of the oceans have stopped
The crushing of waves against the cliffs have ceased

All this I carried within every part of me
Developed by pain, anger, resentment

At times the tides were so high twisting and turning
The great waters pulled me under with such force

Like what I carried inside me , it barely let me breath
As soon as I thought I conquered one trial
Another wave of tribulations came crushing over me

Sucking me under as I fought to regain my step
And I fought to regain my step and I fought to regain my step

And then as I turned the side of the cliff
The foam of the water turn crystal blue like glass

So still, so peaceful, so tranquil was this lagoon
My thighs still trembled from fighting the waves

So I layed back and allowed the drift bring me safely to shore
As the water cascaded rubbed against me so soft like a human hand
The gentle rocking of the water so close to a lullaby

Is this my reward?
This stillness of my mind?
the peace in my heart?
this wondrous feeling?

I don’t want to feel the anguish of the stormy waters anymore
I am done being angry and resentful and bitter and sad

But only I can take myself to the beautiful place of serenity, peace and joy.
It is my decision and it is pushing myself through the pain.

But it is hard, and it takes time
and at times you want to just want to give in
but just know if you keep getting up

It is true paradise….

THE BUTTERFLY HAS AWAKEN….

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THE BUTTERLY HAS AWAKEN…

There was a time I could not see the beauty I possessed

There was a time I could not see all I could be

I gave you all the power to control how I felt about me

I was your puppet and you held my strings

But I gave you these strings willingly

You didn’t care for me so I didn’t care for me

I allowed you to make me hate who I was too

The mirror lied to me and made me ill

I was a prisoner of my own negativity

I dreamt of being anyone except for who I was

God made a mistake I felt when he made me

But now I’ve been awaken from this horrible dream

For now I see what I have never seen before

A beautiful woman was here all along

And no man will ever tell me how to feel again

I have discovered this power has been mine all along

I never have to be anyone’s puppet ever again

Like a butterfly I have transformed into something more

Something my mirror never lies to anymore

They can call me anything from a boar to a troll

It doesn’t matter because I know I am so much more

Thank you God….

MORNING WITHOUT A MAN!!!

Happy Morning Agains

Morning Without a Man 3.11.13

Anyone see Bridesmaids, where the main character wakes up with her booty call man, she sets up her alarm before his and jumps up brushes her hair, fixes her make-up and hurries back in bed before his alarm goes off laying down in a pretend to be asleep pose. Her booty call man wakes up and then wakes her up and is amazed at how well she looks in the morning.

Well at least we don’t have that problem anymore. Heck at the end if we were with our man long enough we didn’t care what we looked like anymore…but a lot of us did find comfort that we had a warm body next to us. Not all of us. Some few had their own rooms. But even then there may have been a certain comfort that there was a warm body just within our touch.

I was a morning snuggler, so waking up alone was hard for me. Mornings were catch up on conversation times for us. That moment was gone so mornings were hard for me. You ever see movies where the character is slowly coming to in the morning and reaches over feeling for the spot where the man, woman should be laying and it is empty and they sit up…where are they. I don’t do that, but that is how I felt. I had to reprogram my mornings. Mornings are my topic.

Mornings are the most important part of the day and when you are reaching over and feeling sad cause you are alone, well heck you are just messing up the rest of the day. Louise Hay says the first hour of the day is the most crucial part of the day. Mornings set the mood for the rest of your day…hence the saying…wake up on the wrong side of the bed???

Mornings need to be important …spiritually important. No, no we are not going door with our brief case preaching the good word. Please no feedback, I am not knocking it. I have read the Watch Tower and the Awake Pamphlet and no not like your husband who said they read Penthouse for the articles, I really read it. They have some good messages. I have a good respect for everyone’s religion, I myself like to say I am not religious, but I am very very spiritual.

First of all are you one of these? Your alarm goes off…you think aww…5 more minutes so you hit snooze, alarms goes off aww hit snooze, goes off aww hit snooze, hit snooze, hit snooze…

Oh shit!!! You hit it one too many times! Gonna be late, where’s this, where’s that, shove toast in my face…haul butt 200 mph per hour and sneak in work 20 minutes late. Man tomorrow I better get up when the alarm goes off the first time…HA HA Yeah right! You are going to do the same thing the next day and the day after and so on and so on!

Know what you need? Either your momma or a drill sergeant. But you are an adult and you want to change don’t you? Can you say let me try this one time…just one time? Then see how you feel. You don’t have to do it again…Ok? We want to change your life we are not trying to hurt you.

Where was I going with all this? Mornings! We are going to create a new morning structure for those who are finding difficulties with their mornings. How we can make our mornings better. (Here’s a tip for you coffee drinkers…get the kind with a timer so it will be brewing when you wake up)

1. Alarms goes off. FIRST TIME! Turn off…Rip off the snooze button if you have too. Who invent that darn thing! No go tinkle…First things first and Mother Nature is always first. We will be waiting when you get back.
2. Stretch. You don’t have to be fancy, you don’t have to be no Yogi master…Just stretch. We want to get the ol’ blood flowing. Reach up to the sky. Touch your toes. Do waist twists (side to side). You be your own choreographer just stretch for 5-10 minutes…not hard.
3. Make your bed.
4. Sit on your bed (This one might need practice…jk)
5. Get a mirror and look deep into your eyes…I know I joke a lot but I am being serious on this.
Note: You can look at this as spiritual or you can look at this in the scientific manner. We are going to work on our self-esteem. We are going to convince ourselves at how wonderful we are because during break ups we forget. And that old concept of if you tell yourself something enough times, you start believing it. Well that is all we are going so don’t run scared on me now sister! So Atheists are welcome. If you are working on anger issues, this is the place to do it.
Many of you are not going to feel what you are saying, say it anyways. Heard the saying fake it till you make it. You don’t believe what you are saying, say it anyways…like a robot..who cares.
6. Say three times, “I love and approve of myself just the way I am!”
7. Thank you for ________________________________________ (Name five things you are grateful for. It could be anything. Good health, your parents, your job…)
8. Today I will be happy because__________________________(Name 1 reason you will be happy today for…you can think of something)

Note: If you are spiritual, this is your time to use for prayer and talk to God of your understanding.

9. Turn on some happy bouncy music and sing and bounce around as you get ready for work.
10. Have a great day…man…what man!
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MUSIC FOR THE TORTURED SOUL

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Music for the Tortured Soul 3.5.13

Be careful what you listen to when your heart is breaking!! Music…it will make you or break you! You heard the saying tears in your beers. Cowboy sits in the bar listening to his song about an old long lost cowgirl whose boots were made for walking and she done walked away from him and he done sits thar..it is not a typo..he sits thar guzzling his beer full of tears.

You know what you can’t listen to, me. Could not hear Adele. Oh hell no, what she say something about just coming to check up on him, hoping he is ok, hoping the best for him, hoping the best for him and his new love??? You dumped me but I hope you are and your new love are ok???? HELL NO!!

Know why? Because like Adele said, for me it wasn’t over. It hurt, it cut through me to hear any of her music. I couldn’t hear anything that he listened to, I couldn’t listen to anything that he had dedicated to me. It seemed like it had been a lie to me. So was it that I could not listen to anything? Seems like it!

A good friend of mine refered me to spiritual music. That truly was uplifting. Oldies were out because good ol’ Diana Ross, man she was always singing about how she knew he was cheating on her but she didn’t care she loved him anyways. Why does all music have to do with LOVE!!! Country music is about broken hearts, blues…well doesn’t take a rocket scientist…about feeling blue. We can listen to bang your head music. I think everyone is just really pissed off! Not really pretty to listen to but not too sad.

Just be careful what you listen to, DON’T TORTURE YOURSELF SITTING THERE HAND ON CHEEK TEARS ROLLING DOWN FACE REMINISICNG ON OLD SONGS! CHANGE THE DAMN STATION IF A SONG THAT HITS A CORD COMES ON!!! Uh yeah I have been in a car with a friend and reached over and changed a song and said, sorry do you mind, this really brings back bad memories, thank you for understanding. They did.

Listen to bee bop music, sock hop type music. You know bubble gum popping music. Madonna, 80’s music wasn’t much about love but more about dancing and disco. My two most inspiring songs that I swear my Angels put in my life to make me stronger were Stronger by Kelly Clarkson and Wide Awake by Katy Perry. Youtube them and watch the music video especially to Wide Awake….I always liken myself to the Butterfly… transforming into a stronger woman. As Kelly Clarkson says…What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller…Oh Yeah!

Happy Tunes ladies!!!