I wish when he gets up early in the morning half asleep, he bumps his baby toe into the corner of the wall and cracks the nail right in half so hard it has him bouncing around cussing every “F”, “B” word in the book! Now that is the nicest thing I wish would happen to my ex. Honey a scorned woman is not to be messed with because we get pretty mad and our thoughts can get pretty wild. Not to mention when someone mentions his name, I am real quick to throw in a few colorful “screw hims” and what not.
SOMETIMES OUR MINDS ARE OUR WORST ENEMIES
Through my divorce I have come to learn so much about myself, what makes me tick, who I am. I have come to the conclusion that I am not Miss Superwoman. I am a work in process. Divorce is like death and I cannot expect to be healed in a few months. Yes it is an amicable divorce and my ex and I have decided to remain friends, but it is still the death of a life I knew for 29 years and the death of a future I thought was going to unfold into a certain way. I am blindsided as to what the future holds now and I feel like I am standing at the beginning of 10 roads not knowing where any one of then leads to whereas before I knew where my future was leading.
I started to date, that didn’t work out. Maybe it was too soon. It just added to my pain when that didn’t work out. I hadn’t healed from the pain of one and then to add more pain…not good. Then the mind starts to wander, is it me? My own mind started to become my worst enemy. Ok I ended it but maybe he wanted me to end it. Silliness! What is wrong with me? Am I unloveable? Who will love me?
Oh yeah take it from me, your brain can turn on you. It can start telling you a lot of negative things, and mine did just that. It told me I wasn’t pretty enough, my body wasn’t good enough, and it did not let up! It told me morning, noon and night. I fell into a depression.
You see what I learned about depression is that it is caused by living in past disappointments. Ruminating in them if you will. You go over and over in them in your head. Well if only I had did this, if only I had said that. We think if we could go back we could fix things but in reality all we are doing is sinking deeper and deeper into depression because we are so absorbed so long in negative thoughts and those negative thoughts are about us…think about it, how good are we going to feel if we do that.
Somehow I had to learn to pull myself out of the past and bring myself into the present. As soon as my mind wandered back to some wah wah moment, I caught myself and told myself…ok yeah that was pretty sad but let’s come back to the present. And boy do I have to do that A LOT. There is a special meditation on that kind of thinking called mindfulness. All I know is that I have to stop living in the past moment of my past love that only brings me grief and sadness because I miss him and come back to reality. I will think, oh look at the pretty flowers on my desk and focus on that to bring me out of it. Depression is a boogar but we can pull ourself out of it, it is really hard but we can do it.
Don’t listen to what your brain is saying about yourself unless it is saying, “Damn you are one hot MAMA!!”
PRAY THE PAIN AWAY
It’s ok for your heart to ache sometimes
This is part of the grieving process
Without pain how could we compare joy
So I sit here with this pain and I let it settle
And I don’t think of it as the end of the world
Instead it is just a human feeling that I was given
Let it roll through my body from my stomach to my toes
That achy tightness and sadness that won’t let you go
For a moment I let it exhume me like the wave of the sea
I let the pain take over cleansing my pores letting me free
For when tomorrow comes and the sun shines it’s a new day
And let’s pretend we don’t feel a thing
Let’s pretend that our hearts don’t ache over him at all
We will walk with our heads held high and a spring in our step
And a smile that will brighten up the darkest of skies
Let’s pretend that we don’t care that our hearts break for him
Let’s pretend till we actually feel joy in our hearts
Let’s pretend…. Let’s pretend… Let’s pretend… Oh God…
SO YOU WANT TO HEAL
It is called trudging…
Do things you don’t want to do
You just keep doing it
Continue to “act as if”
Even when you don’t want to
The pain will still be there
The I don’t want to’s will continue to be there
And it’s no matter what you do
So continue forward no matter what
Then slowly slowly one day you will notice
That they are trickling away
You won’t even realize when it started
But key phrase…don’t stop
Never allow yourself to stop
Never allow yourself to go backwards or get stuck
It’s ok to cry, to rest
But continue your journey forward
Pain is pain and we have to endure it
This is how you heal…
First Day at Divorce Support Group
I don’t know what I was expecting at this group, maybe heaps of humans slumped in their chairs unable to go on because the love of their life was divorcing them. Do I have grim thoughts or what because as we were starting this man grabbed the tissues and covered his face, and the therapist looked at him lovingly and asked if he was having a hard time today, he looked around with a smile and said, no no I have allergies today. I thought, darn…where are all the devastated people!!! Horrible aren’t I, I can’t help it my mother took me to see the Exorcist when I was five, so now I’m morbid, get over it. But anyways, everyone looked like they were well composed, sitting up, small welcoming smiles.
Turns out my experience was a good one. This is a good way to vent issues you are having, but what was good about it was that the other people in the group could chime in. Now get this…forget the confidentiality, you guys will never meet these people anyways.
There was one person who was kinda a sad sack and was complaining how her husband never talks to her. When she told us her story I got the picture very clearly. First of all she reminded me of this old New York lady, hadn’t colored her roots so half her hair was gray and the other black. But I envisioned her walking behind her poor old husband nag nag nag, in a whiney voice, telling him you never take me anywhere, why don’t you talk to me, talk to me. Cackle cackle cackle.
So we asked are you in the group because you want to leave him? She says in her whiney New York accent, why don’t he leave, I have no friends, I can’t do this alone, my kids just don’t pay no attention….and she was on again…Oh I think I went to outer space by then. So you don’t want to leave?, I do!, then leave, I can’t, so stay, I can’t take it anymore I want out, then leave, why don’t he…oh dear somebody shoot me…
As I sat there I was pondering, is this what I really need. The people that were here although composed, admitted they were still in love with their spouse and could not make that final step and do the divorce. I mean I know I have a lot of anger I am still holding onto and maybe that could be something I could look into, but I am very proud of myself because I was at a very different level than all of them.
But overall it turned out to be quite interesting to hear what other people are dealing with and I will be going for the remaining 7 sessions. Get his Hulk that still lives in side me outta there!!!
Divorce Support Groups
I have a confession to make, now everyone grab onto your seats cause this is a big one (the room silences in anticipation).
I am not Super Woman. I KNOW! Believe me I was just as surprised as all of you. So I am taking off my cape and hanging it in my closet and to…oh dear I don’t know if I could say this…I’m doing a…can I say it…d-d-d-d…hold on don’t rush me!
I’m doing a d-d…(tells myself like a band-aid real fast) I’m doing a divorce class! Whew!! I think I need a cigarette, that took a lot out of me.
So yeah, can you believe it? Me the one who has been claiming to have her shit together (sorry people I curse, get the Zest). Man it fought it tooth and nail but my doctor suggested it and I finally gave in.
I told my doctor, “Hey, Doc” (I don’t really call him Doc but it kinda sounds New York and makes it more interesting doesn’t it…back to the story..so I tell him, “Hey, Doc, It’s not like I sit at my window sill lamenting over the sap, I am not hurting over him!”
Well regardless…supposedly…when it comes to stress and life events that are traumatic to us, divorce is up there with death. There may be underlying issues I should be working on. I thought maybe he is onto something because I would rather always work on me then take that pill…then I thought…hey by being in a group listening to other peoples divorce war stories, I could get more ideas for my blog!!!
So I said, “Ok Doc, Where do I sign-up..Woo Hoo!”
But on a serious not, stay tuned, for those who are thinking this may be something you would like to do that could help you if you are having issues, needing support…this does sound like a good idea.
Gotta Give it Away To Get It!! 3.11.13
AA has a motto, to help themselves to rid of their disease, they “Be of Service”. Meaning they help another suffering alcoholic. Helping another alcoholic helps them stay sober.
Well heck, guess what! The same lies true with us sad sack people. When we bring happiness to others, we bring happiness to ourselves. Bringing cheer to another human being will bring cheer to ourselves. I like that don’t you? Are you nodding?
“But how!”, the audience yells!
So happy you asked!
First and foremost. If you are a sad sack like me, helping someone else that is down in the dumps takes the focus off me. See when we are depressed, we don’t mean to, but we become self-absorbed,…don’t get huffy now on me girl and let me finish. Depression keeps you in a tunnel and you see nothing but your misery. Like me…
• I really don’t want to the movies with the girls tonight cause “I’m” so depressed.
• I’m not going to take Fido for a walk tonight, “I” really don’t feel motivated for anything.
• Sorry ”mommy” can’t paint with you now, cause “mommy” don’t feel good now.
The world continues to go round and round like a merry-go-round and we simply jump off and cocoon into our own little corner and just want to sit there licking our wounds. (Poor Fido)…oh yeah and the kid. But see the correlation? We don’t mean to be like this. If asked we would surely say, take this away I want to be on the merry-go-round with my kid and Fido! We want to feel better, but hey, you came to the right person!
Let’s take ourselves out of ourselves and bring cheer to others is kinda the last thing on our mind though huh? Sounds like a lot of energy doesn’t it? It falls under the “I really don’t feel like it” category.
That is ok we will start small. Let’s start with the small stuff and do a lot of them, but you are going to have to be around people so take a shower and be around people. Here are some things.
• Give sincere compliments. To coworkers, to family, friends, oh heck let’s get crazy and tell strangers ..key word “sincere” compliments. Look at someone, it is easy to find nice and wonderful things about everyone…EVERYONE! Their hair, nice smile, nice perfume, great jeans, nice work on that project, that color flatters you, are you losing weight (be careful with this…sincere). This is all about being nice to people. This is about telling something to someone who is good about them. Many of us don’t have people who tell us nice things so to hear them is a wonderful thing to hear. Be wary of the non believers. They may have self-esteem issues. Those are the people who I tend to close in a little closer and whisper, I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.
• Smile! You heard the saying, “Smile and the world smiles back at you”. It is true. Smiling is contagious! Do it at work. I always smile at everyone. I say good morning and throw in a big Kool-Aid smile to everyone I run into. I do it even at malls, markets at strangers. Be careful, lots of men will take it as you are coming on. But hey you never know if they are cute enough…ya never know. But use caution. You see a bunch of hoodlums in a dark alley, my suggestion isn’t to walk up and smile and say, wow I love your bandanas! Go the other way.
• Be friendly. Always be friendly. When we are depressed, it shows. Look in the mirror from time to time. What does your face say. Think happy thoughts and be friendly to everyone…of course not to the hoodlums. Hey, but they do say thugs need hugs..wait is that a song?
You will be amazed at how you feel. These are small ways to bring cheer to people. Feeling a little more energized?
Bring happiness and joy where it is needed. Children’s hospitals, visit pet shelters, convalescent hospitals (they always need volunteers there, they love their bingo) call local schools to ask if they need volunteers, Girl Scouts, Parks and Recreation…
I leave you with this Chinese Proverb my little grasshopper…If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a life time, help people. (I think this is when the China Man bows out).