There was a time when I refused to attend my family’s Thanksgiving Dinner because I found out that my ex was going. Can you believe it? That was my blood family! It wasn’t my fault that his parents and only brother died, he is the one who wanted to end the marriage so my family and I were a package deal. You can’t have my family and not take me.
The way my sister-in-law said, he has been in the family for 30 years and she thought she didn’t want to be put in the middle so she was just going to invite everyone and it was up to the individuals to decide if they wanted to come. Oh, I was hot, I was pissed, I could bite through nails. Ha! That was the only thing I could have sunk my teeth into because I had no food that day, I stayed in my apartment and sulked and went to bed early.
Well that was then. I remember being a child and having to be made to choose between going with my mom and dad and they were both right there staring at us and would ask who did we want to go with. Talk about giving an elementary kid anxiety from undue pressure. I wanted my kids to have it different.
Several months ago I was given the miracle news that I am going to be a grandma. My grandest dreams have come true. Nobody loves kids and babies like I do. I want the best for this little girl that is coming into the world, I want things to be cool for my adult kids too.
So yesterday for my sons’ baby shower, my ex and I showed up together, we hung out for like seconds at some parts. We left together…not together together…no he went to his girlfriends after he dropped me off and yeah I thought how stupid is he having to run to his girlfriend like a p****y-whipped little boy, or he will get in trouble, it was nice to feel somewhat at peace with him.
Don’t get me wrong, he still rubs me the wrong way, damn does he have to yell at cars like they hear him…road rage…all is well. I am acting like a big girl and co-grandparenting is gonna be just swell….
Once you click “send”, it’s too late…it is gone and you cant take it back.
Tonight after 6 years apart I sent him a text, “Are you over me forever?” The question hung out in that cyber air, floating like a wayward deflating balloon a day too old. Not quite enough helium to make it fly in all its majestic beauty, on contrary, it was barely enough to make it sludge itself along the floor.
10 long minutes past and still my screen held only my pitiful words, not even a sorry, how about I wish..
What if his words would be, Fuck no! Are you crazy! That would be more than I could bare so I texted.
“Please forget I said anything, please pretend I never asked,”
That was an hour ago and my phone only displayed a screen that appeared like I was only talking to myself…..
When do you ever get over it. I. Known as dumb because I think like this. I guess you just ignore it all….
Decades ago, it was unheard of to not have a husband. They used to call you “Spinster”. Nowadays, the trend seems to be, “You don’t need a man to be complete.” What changed?
Women becoming independent and self-supporting has something to do with it. More imortantly women realizing they don’t need to put up “with his shit”, like the June Cleavors of the old day’s.
I can remember after the end of the first relationship I had after my husband, I was given the advice to stay single for six months to learn to be alone. WHAT! IMPOSSIBLE! WHO WILL WASH MY BACK? WHO WILL OPEN MY JARS? SEX! DON’T I NEED SEX? SORRY BUT ME AND PLASTIC…IT IS JUST NOT HAPPENING!
It’s been almost five years of being single, and what concerns me is, how did six months turn into five years. I tell myself there are no quality single men. What is quality?
* Have a decent job
* Have a home
* A bike isn’t their main source of transportation.
* Appealing to me
Then the question becomes, why don’t I give men the chance when that do have those qualities and pursue me?
Have I lost my mojo because maybe I have been single too long? Have I lost faith in men in general? Do I feel worthy and believe a quality man could stay happy with me?
I look in the mirror and in those five years noticed I have crossed the bridge and am in the category of “older woman”. The pickens are definately getting slimmer. Maybe I have got too comfortable being alone. At the same time, I miss that connection with another human being…
Am I staying single because it is safer. Safe from getting hurt, rejected…
What the hell have I been whining about. It has been like two or three weeks that I have been on my pity potty whining like a one year old who lost her pacifier.
“I’m afraid of the dark!”
“It’s dark, somebody hold me!”
Come on what am I three? Maybe I need to stop wearing my Sponge Bob jammies with the feet in them and start wearing my see through black lacy teddy and start strutting my stuff through my apartment and act like a big girl! Ok at least just some flannels.
Today is the day that I stomp my feather high heel slipper on the floor and say enough is enough! No more I’m lonely blogs! No more dragging my poor Happy Princess 26 year old daughter and holding her hostage to save “mommy” and watch the Voice…