It has been 2 ½ years since my husband asked me to move out and he wanted a divorce. I am fully aware that it is important to be civil to each other in front of the kids.
My kids want their father to be part of my family gatherings. What is worse is that my family also miss him and want him to be around. Everyone feels sorry for him because the only family he had is my family. His mother, father and brother died within the last 5 years.
Trying to Compromise
At the beginning, I agreed to invite my ex to Thanksgiving at my mother’s because my daughter broke down in tears. She felt bad that her father did not have his mother for the holidays. Fine! I let him come, but I was not happy at all.
When my dear friend’s daughter passed on, my daughter got upset because I did not want him there. Why would he want to go? He had went out with us a few times, but that this was my personal friend. But fine! I was really trying hard not to be the bitter scorned ex-wife, so I said o.k. My friends were cordial to him but asked me after, why would he show his face. They did not like him because of the way he dumped me.
Ironically another friend of mine passed away a few months later. This friend was his friend before mine so when I asked if he were going he said, “She wasn’t really my friend.” Hello! He knew this friend for over 25 years so what was the real reason he HAD to go to MY circle of friends?
Then my sister wanted him there for her baby shower when she was having her first baby. She said he was the only male figure growing up and really wanted him there. I was dealing with bad depression because I could not seem to get over him. I was mad at how he rejected me. But what really got to me was that my family didn’t seem to care how I was feeling, they missed him and felt it was time for me to get over it so he could be part of the family again.
The Situation Makes No Sense To Me!:
In the past it was like pulling teeth to get him to come to my family functions. Now that he dumped me, now he wanted to hang out all the time? I said he could come but the whole time at the baby shower I had this void in the pit of my stomach and was so close to tears the whole time. I did not enjoy my own sisters baby shower because all I could think about was he was paying no attention to me. My family sat round him like he was a celebrity.
Now he has a girlfriend and my family expects me to get over it already so he could be part of the activities. Right after I found out he had moved on I missed Thanksgiving at my sister-in-laws house because I knew he was going to be there. I made it clear that it was him or me, my sister-in-law made it clear that he was invited and I was being immature.
Any Advice Out There?
So I ask to everyone out there, is there anyone else going through this? I want my children to have a good relationship with their father, but I don’t want to have any relationship with him anymore! I can understand when my kids get married or have kids, then of course I would not say I don’t want him there, but this is my family.
After many arguments with my children and my family and expressing that it hurts me to be around him, I surrender. I told my family that I am tired of being the bad guy, so I am pulling away and he could be there in my place. My daughter called me selfish.
So he decides to sever ties with me and move on and I am supposed to accept him with open arms or I am selfish. I am sorry I don’t have to accept someone who rejected me and be chummy with him.
Maybe in time but maybe I don’t ever have to be his friend and I will be damned if I am going to be miserable during my family gatherings so “he” won’t be lonely without a family. My thing is he should go with his girlfriend’s family and get close to them since that is who he chooses. He cares nothing about me so why would I care about him?
My family has no regard for my feelings. So my focus is going to be on me and doing what keeps me happy obviously my ex could care less about my feelings so it is not my job to let him screw around with other women and then come play house with my family. And if my family feels it is o.k., then obviously my family cares more about his feelings than mine so this is why I am deciding to pull away from my family.
This is a miserably sad time for me, but what else can I do.
Have you ever thought you have searched in the wrong place for your Soul Mate or as my daughter said and my jaw dropped..Kindred Spirit?
It isn’t always someone who has to put his “you know what” in your “you know what” or lay down at night with or even someone to look deep into your eyes into on Valentines Days over a candlelight dinner.
As I spoke to my daughter last night I realized I had never had to play any games with my love for her with her nor my son. I could tell her how my heart feels like it could burst from the love it has for her. There are no dumb rules I have to follow with my love for my kids, don’t show my love or they are going to run for the hills. Be careful with the “L” word. Oh my God, the more you tell your children that you love them, the sweeter your relationship feels, at least mine does.
You know we have issues when the book industry on how to make a man love us is a multi-million dollar industry. Yeah there are plenty books on how to show love to your kids or how to make your kids respect you but lets compare which section waaaay over powers the other.
I am told that your children can be your kindred spirits or soul mates, I feel it is confirmed with me. It makes so much sense from the intense burst of love I feel when I think of them or when they are approaching them or when I see them.
I quit my 2nd job because I need to be there on Friday night when they play softball and I am practically flying in the air as my girl caught TWO!!! TWOOOO!!! FLY BALLS!!!
Guess what I prayed to God… I thanked him for bringing my ex into my life because he gsve me these two wonderful souls. This person that I could not even think about in the past without wanting to jump on a horse with a steel armor suit and a sword and charge him piercing straight in the…. well you get my drift. Thank you God because his love is … was a gift that gave me my soul mates.
I wouldn’t be experiencing this wisdom if I were not single…
Having an epiphany…
WITH MY DAUGHTERS HELP
As Mother’s Day approaches I would like to do a special shout out to a special little girl.
I mentioned how friends helped me through my separation, but there is a little girl… Well not so little…in fact she is a big ol’ moose. Not so, she is my moose! My daughter is my moose and I don’t mean she’s a horrendous boarish animal with horns like antlers and huge antlers and hooves; she is a beautiful lady…girl…woman…girl to me. 26 to be exact. To me she looks like a model, and if you saw her you would think so too. Why am I going on about her?
Some women are left to fend for themselves with small children to raise. Wow, these are the biggest heroes of all. Then we have the women who are left to fend for themselves, alone with grown or no children at all. To go out into the world all by their lonesome. Then there are middle of the ground women like me. Oh I was blessed. I went out into the wild blue yonder with my big grown adult woman as my roomie. It was looked upon as an adventure. Oh yeah, we were going to be like Thelma and Louise! Out to cause havoc. It was around Christmas time, we got us a pink tree with ornaments that consisted of high heels, hand bags, lipstick. Our apartment was going to be themed Chick Power!
There were days when I was scared. This was new to me. The fear of doing it on my own set in. How am I going to fend for myself financially? I got depressed and my daughter would say, “come on mom let’s go max out your card at Wal-Mart.” Kinda defeats the purpose huh? Whatever, it worked. We spent time shopping and just hanging out. This gave me time to get used to the idea of being alone. I wasn’t thrown out into the cold world by myself, I had the warmth of my loving daughter by my side. No TV, (we couldn’t afford cable) we only had each other to talk to, and a radio/CD player playing Dixie Chicks over and over.
Thank you baby girl. Thank you for becoming the training wheels I needed to go out into the big bad world. Thank you for the times we would dye your hair and you would pull out my gray hair (whoops did I say that?) or put on Christmas music and decorate our Chick Power Christmas tree with high heels, hand bags and pink and purple foo-foo things.
Ironically, Dixie Chick’s Land Slide became my song because it talks about children growing older and life going on. My child did grow older and she’s now my side kick. Long ago when my daughter was probably only 12, I went to a Tarot card reader at a swap meet. This lady looked over at my daughter and told me she felt that there was a special bond between my daughter and I, not your normal mother daughter relationship. Later on in life she would be like a kindred spirit to me. At her young age this lady saw the bond that would happen later on, and I understand it now.
They say you should always separate friendship from parenting, I disagree. My daughter is one of my best friends, and I am told I am one of hers too.
She has grown to be a beautiful strong woman and when I grow up, I hope to be just like her!!
LONELINESS AND EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
Today I wrote a poem I was so proud of I showed it to my daughter. I realize I am suffering from “Empty Nest Syndrome” put on top with my marriage collapsing, and abandonment issues…and oh yeah…I just started some weird azz medication for anxiety because I have been stuffing my emotions again going back to the end of my marriage…putting it mildly I have issues. In a nutshell I wrote a poem about how I was going to cope better with my daughter having a life as she flies the coop with her new boyfriend while I deal with learning to be alone…same old song and dance I have been yodeling and tapping to these last few days.
But it’s good, no? I’m letting go of my daughter and I called her the princess in the poem and letting her be happy and move on in her life just how life is supposed to be. I don’t want to be those overbearing mothers… Yes mother dear…No mother dear…you never call you mother…no no I don’t wan’t to be like those mothers…ok so I send her the poem and she gets sad. I’m sorry mom, she tells me I will try to spend more time with you… NOOOOO!!!!
Oh God!! Subconciously am I pulling a guilt trip on her? I don’t want that! I am so sad when she walks out the door in a flash, I admit that! I do want her to sit on the couch with me and be my couch buddy and watch movies but she is a beautiful young girl and she has a new life with a young man that is wonderful and he is wonderful to her and they have a bright future.
It is so important to me that my children not get caught up in saving mommy. Mommy is going to be fine! Oh wait maybe I should say something like “mom” or maybe even “mother” instead of “mommy”. Whoops, Freudian slip eh? Ok let me say that again, Mother doesn’t need saving! I don’t want to be one of those mothers who use those guilt tactics to make her children come spend time with her.
I already know I am like one of the coolest moms to hang around with and I don’t have to bribe anyone to hang out with me. We have our annual camping trip coming up where we are cut off from society and really rough it out in the wild blue yonder and I have my adult children and their mates all to myself for almost a week and I LOVE IT!
So I need to grow up and let my “Happy Princess” carry on with her life and continue to build my new life!
MY HAPPY PRINCESS
I sit as I watch my daughter of 26 primp up and flash out the door
And she leaves and she leaves and she leaves
How I long for her to stay with me and watch movies
How I long for her to want to stay home and just talk
And do nothing but ask how my day went
How I long for her pace to slow as slow as my pace
Just to keep me company as my day slows just to me and my walls
But she has a life to live that doesn’t include me anymore
And I know it’s a happy good life with a good mate
So instead I will sit and I will watch my happy princess
As she leaves and leaves and leaves
And my heart swells with happiness
Because this is what I wished for
So long ago
ABUSIVE HOME AND CHILDREN
It is always been said that a child needs both parents to raise them as a couple to be the best adjusted adult. You hear, I stayed with him for the kids, Oh I can’t leave him, what about the kids. It’s not 1950 and Leave it to Beaver isn’t on TV so we know this is not the case, right? I hope you all know this is right. Kid’s turn out better with parents living in separate households if the marriage is not working…kids are smart, no matter how much you try to hide things from them they pick up on things.
Well for me it was worse, I knowingly put my kids through a marriage that wasn’t working, because I was afraid of leaving. What did they grow up seeing? Physical abuse, fights, disrespect, parents that lived their own separate lives. Their model of what a marriage looks like was so distorted and how to treat your spouse or allow your partner to treat you was filled with violence and unloving and callous and full of hate…ugly isn’t it? I did this to my kids. Did I sit down and think, hmm I think I want to show my children the ugliest life and traumatize them and try to screw up their psyche forever! Of course not, my kids are my life, they are my everything, but truth of the matter this is what happens when you stay in a marriage that is so ugly and there are kids involved.
I lived with the guilt, my son was growing up seeing when your wife gets out of line…you smack the shit out of her. When she acts stupid, you make sure you tell her she is acting stupid and throw in a few other words like, bitch, dumb ass, good for nothing. What about my daughter? Her destiny would be the one receiving that kind of treatment, and she would stay because she felt so low of herself and it was the norm, both of my children grew up in this environment and would find this to be the norm in a relationship when they grew up….You want to talk about guilt!!!!
When my son was 17 he started seeing his high school sweetheart, I held my breath. They would give each other the cutest most original gifts and celebrate their anniversary every month, play basketball and wrestle. The years went by 18, 19, 20, 21!, 22!, 23!, and currently 24! He is still with this sweeter and cuter than a button gorgeous girl that he met in high school and my son adores her. She told me that he is such a good boyfriend!!! I was able to let out a sigh of relief…FOR MY SON!!!
Yes, I had a beautiful daughter, gorgeous could be a model…the boys went wild for her, if we lived in a small world country I could easily get 10 cows and a few goats thrown in for good measure. She would have boyfriends, but for one reason or another they just wouldn’t last. So I really had to hold my breath on this one longer…It was ok honey is this a good candidate…nah mom, not interested…she was very finicky…but hey that’s good no? I like that she was being selective. The family started counting years, what no boyfriend? 20?, 21?, 22?, 23?, 24? come on here! 25??? NO??? 26??? WHAT!!! Eureka!!
Some guy was made the luckiest guy because my daughter decided that she really liked him…in that way! BUT my first thought, ok but what kind of person is he!! Will he be a wife beater?
NO!!!! Oh if you could all meet him, he is the sweetest boy, the kind you want to grab both of his cheeks if you could reach that high cause he is so darn tall, and say awe he is so sweet!!
What happened? Divine intervention? I don’t know! Both of my children turned out to have THE BEST RELATIONSHIPS!! They both have what I like to call fun silly relationships. The kind that goof around with each other and play like friends. Every wish I have every wished, you know when you blow out a candle, or blow out a thistle, or a shooting star, I would say, please let my kids have a happy life…I didn’t want to win the lotto, no millionaire husband, to look like Beyonce, no it was for my children to be happy because I was scared to death that I destroyed their chances…I believe God had something to do with this…and I thank him…
Divorcee Got Wings
A Bit of Me in Every Key Stroke
I'm divorcing a narcissist after 8 years of crazy. This is my story of getting out and healing from the abuse.