Accepting He Is Divorcing Me and Has Moved On

My writing pretty much stopped because all that peppy, motiv

   I found out that my ex was serious with another woman. Now I have written about thinking that he was seeing someone and it troubled me, but I was a warrior and I was not going to let it get me down. So I thought.
    Things were going great. My ex and I were amicable for the kid’s sake and realized that because of our history we were not going to be enemies like other divorced couples. I would periodically stop off to see my pets at his house since he was the one that ended up with it and it was best for my two kitties and doggie that they stay there.
    So one day I went to my ex’s house to drop off food for my pets and “she” was sitting on the couch all dressed in a cute summer dress. “She” was his girlfriend, may I add that she was younger and pretty.

This woman stuck her hand out and I shook it, but I was not really sure who she was, what was she doing there. I walked to my son’s room and that is when he told me that this WAS his girlfriend.

  •     I can’t explain what I was thinking or feeling, I just felt like I had to leave fast. I ran out the back door and drove away. I was halfway home when I had to pull over because I my crying became uncontrollable. What was happening? I had this divorce thing down pat, so I thought. I was able to handle anything life threw at me, so I thought.
        I called my son and I wanted to know if she was still there. I was going to head back over there and…I don’t know what, but I needed to face her. My son informed me that she had left home.
    fter a good half hour, I drove home. The rest of the night was a whirlwind, my kids worrying, my ex calling saying he is doing nothing wrong we are not together…Nothing made sense. My husband of 28 years had moved on and made it clear he did not love me and it was never going to work between us anyways.
        Shortly after that my daughter moved out of our apartment to live with her boyfriend. Working two jobs to keep our place became too much because I was depressed and angry so I moved to a rental behind a family. My place used to be a garage but they fixed it up really nice but it had no kitchen and in my head I could not get past that I lived in a garage, while he was buying a house. A house I used to live in and now this other woman was there. He had someone, and I was alone, I had nobody. I threw up my arms in defeat and even declared to myself, “You see, I knew I would end up alone!” I had already written the last chapter of how my life would end and closed the book. I isolated and lay around licking my wounds.
        This was why I stopped writing my motivational blogs. This was beyond my understanding. It used to be that I met a problem and just writing it out helped me to find solutions. This was different, or so I thought.
        Have you met this feeling? Has your husband or wife moved on and it is hitting you real hard that maybe just maybe, THIS MAY BE THE REAL END OF YOUR MARRIAGE. Sure we go through the motions, I want a divorce, you move apart, stay away…blah blah blah. But are you like me, and in the back of your head you kind of, sort of still think that maybe in the future you will get back together?
    This is what we call needing to accept reality. As I had in the past, I picked myself up and started a game plan. “Operation Acceptance”.
    Situation: I felt humiliated, rejected, depressed because my husband dumped me and got a new young, woman and they were probably having sex with that hussy in the room we used to sleep in…Ugh…Ok enough of that. This was about healing not allowing resentment to grow. Maybe she is a nice hussy, I don’t know.
        I had to get control of myself again and this is only going to happen if I accept he moved on.
    Here are six steps to feeling yourself again:
        • Grieve: I know I did enough of it, but if you are going through this you have to allow yourself to feel those feelings of hurt, anger, sadness. I was really depressed and if there ever becomes a point where you feel stuck in this depression, it is ok to seek professional help. It is so important to be able to use grief to heal and to come to the other side stronger and compassionate. So if that anger and depression becomes a trap. Do yourself a favor and reach out. We all just want to be happy again.
        • Realize: This is reality, I had to grasp that I was no longer his wife and he is his own person. People move on and isn’t that what I want for myself so why was I chastising him as a horrible human being. I know it is hard, but can you wrap your mind around that maybe just maybe you two were not supposed to be together and this other “woman” (notice I didn’t say hussy..ha! growth)is actually doing for you what you could not do for yourself. For me this was, she was my green light to go ahead with my life and stop worrying about what he is doing.
        • Have Patience: I promise this hurt will not last forever. Trust the process of life, happiness, sadness, tragedy, victory. Life throws so much at us but we all have the strength to overcome.
        • Forgive: Uh-oh. You are not going to like this part because it was so hard for me, but it was do-able. You have to learn to forgive that man you used to married to and yup, that woman he is doing too. Yuck, it was hard, it is hard. It is a process but little by ever so little, I am not forgetting, I am forgiving that this was about him trying to be happy and not about trying to hurt me. Even if it feels that way, stop your thinking. We are all here on this Earth to make ourselves happy first. Saying prayers, writing letters to him that never get sent, doing affirmations. There are many ways to work on forgiveness all you have to do is research.
        • Accept: You are now in a place where you can understand what happened to you more clearly. Maybe your narcissistic husband or boyfriend did not truly love you. Acceptance is necessary, and at some point, you need not fight the past. It means seeing things clearly.

    Remember you are forgiving for yourself, not for him. You never have to say the words to him. You are doing it as a healing practice so you can live and be happy again.
I just came back from a trip to Cancun with the girlfriends then camping with my kids. I need to always remember that I am in control of my happiness and it is none of my business anymore what he is doing, we are no longer together.

“One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, is to forgive.”
–Maya Angelou




Yesterday I posted a blog called “Yup He Has Another Woman”. Yup I found out yesterday cause one my friends told me that her ex-boyfriend (which is his friend) told her. Confusing I know. Well my good peeps…CHECK YOUR CALENDAR!!! YESTERDAY WAS APRIL FOOLS DAY!! Oye Vay!! She got me! Now mind you April Fool’s day is “my day”. I planted empty boxes of pastries throughout the office saying Happy Secretary’s Day…Enjoy!…Taped faked messages on everyone’s computer on to report to unsuspecting coworkers desks, planted pig face pictures in everyone’s printers so when they printed a document they had a pig face on their doc. So when I was told this, then found out it was a joke…after I went through all the emotions…went through the acceptance…wrote a blog…well honey the joke was on me…she got me alright! Oh, not to mention I left a long emotional text on my ex’s phone sounding like Adele, wishing him much happiness, found out from his friend who told my friend that he had a new girlfriend, it was bound to happen, life goes on and all that hogwash. Oh I was had and made a fool of. Not to mention my ex was ready to rip his friends head off. Yup my friend got me and got me good, but hey I deserved it… I had been pulling pranks all day and thought I was indispensable!

SO! Should I be mad! It sure caused a whirlwind of a day didn’t it? Absolutely not. For one thing this is my girl and let me tell you we go way back. Nobody, but nobody can get me at my game of Aprils Fools but this chick, she can get me at anything. This is my main girl!!! We go back to our teenage years and let me tell you if there is someone that I have been through the wringer…through thick and thin…it has been with this chick. If there has been a girl that has stood by my side through my stormiest of storms it has been this girl. It actually taught me a valuable lesson yesterday.

I am more prepared than I thought I was. When the time comes when it is confirmed that my ex has a new chickee that he is claiming to be his new ol’ lady, I am going to be A-OK. I expected that I was going to be a crumbling fool. I went through those stages:

1. Sad
2. Mad
3. Acceptance

I was fine within hours. Wow. My friend showed me that I am going to be able to weather the storm in a mature responsible way. I am not going to jump in my car and go throw eggs at his house or stab an ice pick in his tires, I am not going to call in work cause I need to stay in bed and open a box of wine and drink my sorrows away. I went to work and laughed the day away pulling pranks all day as if it were another day. Wow. Thank you Sonja. I needed to know this. I am healing far beyond what I thought was possible!



Yup He Has Another Woman!

The confirmation came today. I was playing an April Fool’s joke on a friend saying, guess what me and my ex are getting back together I realize I love him and Ya! I am taking him back. Then I sat…Uh huh sat and waited for the …What the hell are you crazy after everything he has put you through….and instead I hear…what but such and such told me he is seeing someone else. My jaw dropped to the ground. JOKE WAS ON MOI!!! HOLY SHIT…Sorry I had to cuss. Say what! Yup he has been seeing someone else. Ok now mind you, I am being honest, I am dating already. But hey, it is different for me right. I have been run through the grinder here, so I am the all deserving saint here that is allowed to do as I please and nothing I do is wrong….right? He on the other hand has been cruel and not so good.

Ok so now this chitter chatter mind of mind starts going a million miles per hour, ah ha! So that is why he was so gung ho on wanting me out of the house…So that is why he was so uncooperative on trying to make our marriage work…everything makes sense now. I had that gut feeling all along and I was told by several people that he had a “friend” that had become more than a “friend” and they were waiting to see what I would do, and since I did nothing, well it was done for me…vamos muchacha…you gots to go! I was asked to leave if not peacefully…then the police would be brought in and I would be forced to leave against my own will. See we were living under his mother’s house so I had no rights.

Well honey, my anger was too much too bear. I could have fought and stayed a few months more but I had to leave and it all makes sense now.

So the boy has a chica. At first I laughed. Ha Ha ! Good. Then I picked up my phone and sent him a text, you know what, I always knew you were seeing someone for a while, that is fine… we are no longer together, life goes on, I really wish you and her much happiness. My daughter was in the other room and wasn’t 2 seconds my phone was ringing… it was my ex calling. I didn’t answer. Why.

I am not going to lie. My stomach hurt. Hey he was my life for almost 30 years. He was my life since I was 17, an innocent child, the father of my children. I would be lying to myself if I would say it didn’t hurt. But I have a good man that I am dating and I have to move forward. This is part of the process of going through a separation or divorce. The confirmation is part of it. I guess the next painful step will be actually seeing them together. Well I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I will tell you one thing. I am glad that I have done some serious work on myself, worked on my spirituality, been out and about and not isolated and vented here and with friends. I consider myself surprisingly well considering. Today I am at work playing April Fools Days jokes on everyone at the office. Wait till the secretaries get to the empty box of pastries that say, “Happy Secretary’s Day…Enjoy!” open the box and its empty! Ha Ha!

Life is going to go on whether I like it or not so my best bet is I have a choice, either I stay back and wallow and lick my wounds or I jump on the band wagon and live life to “my” fullest too! Because man he is not skipping a beat. So I could lay in my bed like I used to and cry my eyes out and be depressed and he is living his life, or I could go out and date and see the world and be happy like I have been and let him be. My heart doesn’t feel heavy anymore because I want to live my life. I don’t think I will spend the day grieving for a man that was never there for me anyways. I WAS NOT HAPPY, HE WAS NOT HAPPY, WHY AM I BROODING OVER SUCH AN UNHAPPY LIFE!!! I think I will spend my day playing jokes on my wonderful friends and laughing my day away!! Everyone hope you have a fun day…cause I will be laughing…not crying today!!!




I spoke to him this morning. There are things that still need to be communicated. I still have items of mine at his home. I still need to communicate with him because I need my stuff. It was cordial and “while” the conversation was going on I wasn’t thinking anything. When I picked up the phone to call him, I wasn’t thinking anything, I just called him. No big deal. I have went through my pain already…right?. I have healed…right?. I am happy…right?. I have my own place…right?. I pay my own bills…right?. I can pick myself up…right?. NO BIG DEAL!…RIGHT!

As I push “end call” I look at the phone and my eyes well up with tears. Why, WHY DAMN IT! He is family, he is what I know, he is my kids dad, I had loved this man for 30 years, he is the first person I loved since I was actually a child of 17. So innocent. Ironically the phone rings and it is him to tell me something unrelated to how I am feeling and I tell him, you know I have something to tell you, I don’t care how you never felt for me, I don’t care, I loved you, but I will never ever go back to you. He says uh uh we will talk later and hangs up. Ha! I think to myself, he probably doesn’t even want me back. I don’t care. This isn’t about wanting him back. This is about the fact that he never made me happy and I need to be awakened to that fact. I was in this same predicament years ago. In the divorce proceedings. In a relationship with a very very good man but I ended that relationship and went back to my husband because I thought I should make it work. The man I rejected was very heartbroken and left the state. I made a horrible decision. I will not make that decision again!

Divorce hurts, separation hurts. Sometime down the line you come to the realization that you deserve someone that wants you back, you deserve someone that feels for you the way you feel for them. I deserve that. My husband is a fool and I don’t know if he even knows how to love. I feel sorry for him and I will pray for him instead of be angry at him cause I have a wonderful life now and ahead of myself. I am wide awake now!



Say Hi To Your New Step Mother!

Holy Shit! Say What! Yeah most kids cuss in their heads. Alright maybe I was a rotten kid…whatever.

Has this happened already in your life…that is if you have kids, small kids. Every situation is different. Let’s look at it through different eyes. Either they are going to have to meet your ex’s new other half of yours…we are talking in the future…I don’t know the situation so I am making up my own..ok….anyways.

Chances are even if they are an adult this is going to be traumatic or horrible or depressing or awkward or all of the above. Now every now and then we have a situation where a well behaved…well adjusted best child in the world feels…golly gee …my parent sure does deserve to be happy and is well deserving of meeting someone…I sure hope they hurry up and meet a new love and I hope this is fast. Ha! Now I said every now and then…if you have one of those kids…go away you big show off this article is not for you.

Now let me get back to the parent of the more normal kids who are going to have issues, and pout , and and be pissed, and let’s just say they are going to react more normal than those goody two shoe kids…ok.

Mommy or daddy being with another person is tough. It is important that we don’t shove this new person down their throat. DO NOT AND I REPEAT, DO NOT FORCE THEM TO CALL THIS NEW PERSON MOMMY OR DADDY. LET THEM DO IT ON THEIR OWN IF THEY WANT TO!!!!

Be very prepared and prepare your new person that it is very likely that your child(ren) will be unwelcoming. In fact I would sit down and talk with your child to prepare them for that visit. If you went off and got married I guess you would introduce them sooner, but still have that talk first with your child before introducing them…boy I would love to be a fly on YOUR wall…uhm honey, mommy went to Vegas….remember that movie The Hangover?…well mommy has a new husband. Anyways….

What if you are just playing the field…you know trying on different shoes if you know what I mean…DON’T BRING EVERY TOM, DICK (AND I DO MEAN DICK) AND HARRY (LIKE A GORILLA) INTO YOUR BEDROOM!!!!! NASTY!!! Come on ladies, our kids are our future…we need their respect…they are watching us and absorbing everything they learn from us like little sponge. Let’s not screw them up, which is exactly what we will be doing!!!!

So if you are dating around, which hey girl, more power to you…stay safe…if you are going to be more than just holding hands…more than just kissing lips…more than…you know where I am going please don’t make me say it..Ok I will say it…If you are going to be doing the Humpty Dump…make him wear a condom!!!! Ever get bored…look up “Blue Waffle Disease” there is some nasty stuff out there…unless you have a portable S.T.D. kit with you, tell him wrap it up please!

Why do I always get off track…that is ok, S.T.D.’s are important. If you are dating around, no need to introduce them to your kids. If it is one of 100, keep them on the low low.

If meet Mr. special and become exclusive with a special Mr. special. And man you really like him and man you really want him to come to dinner and meet your kids. Talk to your kids. Do they even want to meet him? If they don’t want to meet him, do you want to make that dinner party where you make your wonderful beef stroganoff and you are all dolled up and Mr. special comes in his best Sunday suit with daffodils and Legos for the kids and your kids are going to throw those Legos straight in his face cause they said they don’t want to meet him! Now I don’t know about you but I respect my children’s feelings. My opinion, I respect my children’s opinion very much too.

Give them some time, maybe have him stop by real quick IN THE FUTURE. Stay a little longer. Give them time to get used to this man that is probably boinging their mom…Yeah some kids think like that and that is why they don’t want to accept a new man in their mommy’s life. Eww what a pig, they think.

Let’s return to getting used to your ex’s new other half. I know what you are thinking. I bet you are doing everything you can to make her a monster to your kids…don’t lie! Course you are and that is normal. I am going to spread MY stuff out there…when my ex had a new woman. She had this huge tumor….I am talking huge on the side of her face. This tumor was so huge it pulled her whole mouth to the left part of her face and it looked like she was talking out of her left cheek…No lie…True story. Oh man did I have a field day with this. I would tell my 9 year old daughter…she is a monster. I would mock this woman to my daughter and tell my daughter that she was part monster. My daughter would tell me, “Mommy I’m afraid when she talks to me, she looks like a monster.” I loved it!! Ha Ha I would call my ex and tell him, you know your new girlfriends face is scaring the kids, you need to do something about it…LMAO!!!! OH I LOVED IT!!!! Alright this is getting out of control I am laughing out of control on my side and this is not cool, we should not be doing this. This is a new me and I do not condone it OK….but it was funny! WAS!

Let’s talk about hating on a girlfriend…yup people get the popcorn out I am spreading my stuff out there again. When my dad started dating after he and my mom split up…oh how I hated on her. I used to call her dogface behind her back. She was a very short lady and we went to the beach one time and I took her into the water and coherced her to go in deep, she didn’t realize that the waves were going to make the water way deeper and then I went in to shore leaving her at the mercy of the huge wave that almost drowned her. Don’t call me the devils spawning, I was a child, I was only 9! I really didn’t want her to die. No she didn’t die, she was able to drag herself out of there…she was fine. But see I was feeling a certain loyalty to my mom by being mean to her. I couldn’t like her, oh no that would hurt mom. I would feel guilty if I wasn’t mean to her, how terrible is that. Kid’s should not have to carry that burden. This is about the parents, not the kids.

If you feel you need to have your children on your side against your ex, then you need to work on you. That is just plain selfish. These are your children, get a friend if you want to talk trash about your ex, don’t do it to your children. It doesn’t matter what he did, it is still their dad and you need to keep your relationship separate from theirs. You want emotionally healthy kids…right?

Ok so we need preparation. What are you going to do when little Jill comes home and says, “Mommy guess what, daddy’s new girlfriend and I went to the beauty shop and we both got our nails done see how pretty my nails are.” Oh boy this is a doozy! Your baby bonded with the enemy. Now what.

A. Do you grab the nail polish remover and remove it screeching that only hussies wear
nail polish!
B. Pick up the phone calling “that woman” screaming you would appreciate that she ask you
permission before she assumes that your daughter is old enough to wear nail polish.
C. Tell her it looks nice and if bothered say you have a bad bout of diahreah and need to
run to the john and quietly weep there.

Maybe it doesn’t bother you and you can say that is nice and go along with what you are going, but if it bothers you, I would advise C. If your child is following you around at your heels and talking nonstop and we did this, and we did that, and she did this, oh and guess what. Ok the kid needs to be quieted down. That is when we need to quiet the little boogar and calmly be honest telling him/her that it hurts mommy to hear what you are saying so let’s not share these stories anymore…instead let’s read books. And distract your child with something else.
It is all about time. Oh buddy do I know about the pain of this and there is nothing you can do except remember that good ol’ phrase…and this too shall pass.



When He Has Moved On 2.28.13

Boy honey oh honey is this a toughie let me tell ya, one of the toughest emotional challenges you will come across…I don’t care how tough you say you are.

This is the pain that is different for everyone. It should be the final that shows the relationship is severed forever more. The fight is over. Obviously he has moved on to his new life and it could signal the beginning of your journey your new life or it could take you on an emotional tailspin. I don’t care how much you say you are over him, if you are alive and breathing…you will hurt during this period. Wow how dare move on with another woman…or man…come on let’s stick with the times and be open here…it happens.

As mentioned this is your cue sister. Curtain call, take the hint, it’s over, the fat lady is singing. Your relationship is finito! Done!

Yeah, yeah we hope it is with some short, fat, woman missing teeth, with one leg shorter than the other and a wart on the tip of her nose with a long hair growing out of it but I can guarantee then you are going to be pissed cause he left you for something for that! Doesn’t matter who or what he leaves you for, the pain is pain it will just be different but it will all hurt….except….

Here’s a clincher….is it someone you know. We women need to really give kudos to the women whose men are with women we know, be it our ex friends, relatives whatever but we know them. This is far worse than our pain. If you are one of these women, baby all I can say is do a lot of praying for yourself and them, especially for them cause honey I do believe in Kharma, and there is something out there called hard core Kharma and boy I would not want to be on the receiving end of that! Sit back, live your life she did you a favor, you just may not know it yet.

All this…talking about they moved on with another woman most of us will eventually go through…prepare yourself and try to take it with dignity at least to the outside world.

I had to take time away from the outside world, time for me because I didn’t want the world to see my ugliness, my friends, that was ok, but not my kids and especially I did not want to give him the satisfaction. My personal time marked the end…THE END. I was hurt, I was crushed, I was devastated, my years of devotion was for what, they meant for what? I allowed these feeling to flood me, I was human to feel these as long as feelings didn’t run away from me that led to wanting to hurt myself or anyone else and I didn’t allow these feelings stay with me for days.

At a point I knew this was enough, time for my healing to begin because I cannot wallow and fall in the depths of my self-pity. I allowed myself to start to accept these feelings that it was over and he was with someone else. It happens. People move on. I would move on. What if somebody put somebody in front of me and said, here, I force you to love him and stay with him, and I just couldn’t…that didn’t make me wrong. I had to forgive my ex for moving on whether I felt like it or not. I did my chants repeating over and over every morning and every night I forgive you (stating his name) and wish you well in your life. I woke up one morning and no I didn’t want to go double dating to the movies with my ex and his new woman, but that so so so sadness weight on my heart wasn’t there anymore.

Do I really wish happiness and joy and a prosperous life for him, I seriously doubt it, but my grief was a lighter and that is what I needed to carry on my life so I could continue my journey and find my happiness.